It began as a regular Friday night at the small, liberal arts college that I attended at the time. With a student enrollment of just over 2,700, essentially all undergraduates, everyone knew your history, your business, and of course, who you went home with last Saturday night.
A few of the guys that I played club hockey with are members of the most popular partying fraternity on campus, and are having a party at their frat house this particular night. Naturally, about 15 of us pre-game at my on-campus house located just down the street from our final destination, and eventually stumble down the road through the cold February tundra that is all but ideal for this situation.
It’s about midnight, and as always, the house and basement is filled with the type of people you’d expect from a small private institution. This girl whom I dated on and off for the past two years, whom I expressed half “I hate you” and half “I still want to sleep with you” feelings, is there with some of her friends. We haven’t really spoken in a while, and it’s becoming evident that, at least on my end, it’s finally over. Attempting to be civil, we eventually bump into each other in the basement and begin talking. I don’t really like this, but my drunken-self obviously obliges. The first event that leads to this eventual sex tape experience happens now; Campus Security breaks up the party. Everyone leaves, for fear of getting written up (whoop-dee fucking doo), and I find myself walking out of the house with my ex, almost reminiscent of a year ago, when we would have never gone back to my house and fucked on camera.
Everyone is heading back, looking for something to do on this barren, small town campus. We get back to my house, which is another party house on campus and hasn’t been broken up yet, and eventually make my way back to my room to get a drink, where my ex follows. We start hooking up, and then we’re in my bed and obviously about to do something we’ll both regret. We’re talking a bit, and then she says “have you ever made a sex tape?” If I wasn’t drunk, I would have been taken aback by this question, but due to my current state I instantly become 1000x more turned on. I respond in the most blunt manner I can with “No, but I know where a video camera is”. All she says is “Get it”.
By now, there’s a raging party going on upstairs (my room is in the basement), and I know that the video camera, which belongs to my friend who lives in the room next to me, is somewhere up there. I immediately spot it on the shelf next to the bar. Some of my buddies are yelling my name in their drunken state and motioning me to come over, but needless to say I literally grab the camera and return directly to my room. I realize I have no idea how to set the camera up. I set it across from my bed on top of my mini refrigerator, using a Pop Tart box to hold it facing an appealing view of my bed. Then it begins. Basically your normal homemade amateur porn stuff; oral, doggie, drunkenly attempting to fuck her into the next universe. Then it gets close to the end. I think she knows, because she gets down on her knees. I say “where do you want it”, just like I would if there was no camera and it wasn’t my mortal enemy of an ex-girlfriend who was down there. She knows what’s coming, but says “I don’t care”, to which I respond, “your face?” (It was only a question because I had never done it to her before, but she watches porn, so she obviously knew what this scenario entailed). “Sure” she goes, trying to act innocent I presume. In my head I’m just like, game on mother fuckers. So I’m pretty close, holding the camera downwards to get a POV shot of this scene at hand, or, at mouth. Then quite possibly the worst thing happens, and I still cannot believe it to this day.
The camera battery DIES. Literally just goes blank. I’m like 10 seconds away and I immediately am like what the fuck is going on. I am baffled, still drunk, and simply cannot fathom what had just happened. I tell her the camera has just died, and probably not understanding the ramifications of not getting this on tape, she keeps going, and I finish, on her face, in what turns out to be the most anti-climactic climax of my life. There’s a slight pause, and then her non-drunk-self washes her face with the towel (that I shower with) and says “how are we going to watch it now?”
You literally don’t need to know the rest of the story, except for the fact that I had to go upstairs and get my housemate, and ask him for his video camera charger, all at around 3 in the morning. He obviously asks what for, and me, no longer giving any fucks, responds with “I just made a sex tape with your camera and it died”. This is overheard by a few people in the area, but at this point I do not care. He laughs, and proceeds to get me the charger out of his room. I plug the camera in while we watch the sex tape. Except not the end, probably the only part worth repeating. Fuck you technology, fuck you.