A Recipe For Heartbreak

Ingredients:

First things first, you need a girl who’s guarded and afraid to fall in love.

The second thing you need, is boy who’s a compulsive liar, a narcissist, with a sickly charming demeanor and a cute accent.

Now it takes about three years to fully complete so, make sure you have set aside the allotted amount of time to finish it. You start by taking it slow with this broken girl, you kiss her softly on her front porch and whisper something sappy in her ear because, you know anything you say to her sounds good in that accent. Then a few weeks later you sweet talk her into letting you meet her family. She will put up a fight about this because, she never lets her family meet the guys she’s dating but, ultimately she will cave. This next step is incredibly crucial! You MUST convince her to fly across the world to meet your family over Christmas. Once you have her there, you have to parade her around to every single family member possible and make sure they are incredibly welcoming because, it is key for her to fall in love with your family. Then you bring her back to the states only to tell her that you are moving back home. Now, you have her right where you want her, you’ve showed her how loved she is by you and your family and she will offer to move back with you. You’ll spend six month apart and in that time, you will develop an even deeper connection.

Steps:

1. When she finally arrives to you, you will welcome her with parties and mini vacations that will utterly sweep her off her feet. At this point, you will know that you have broken down those heavily guarded walls of hers and her heart is yours. It doesn’t really matter what you put her through, now, because you know she’s not leaving you. You have successfully created distance between her and her family and friends that will leave her feeling alone and secluded. But she has you to lean on! Only now, you will start going out without her and leaving her alone with your family, furthering her seclusion. To ensure her self-worth is where you want it to be, you will start to talk to ex girlfriends and tell this already vulnerable girl that she is fat and needs to workout more. Your primary goal here is to break her down to nothing so that she doesn’t have the balls to leave you.

2. Now, eventually she will have to move back home because her visa will expire, and let’s face it, your parents know what you’re doing and will not allow you to marry the poor girl in order for her to stay. So, you put her back on that plane after promising you will be following her back shortly and you will marry her in that states. However, instead of moving to the states as soon as possible to be with your love, you will move to a completely different country, let’s say even further east/asian? You will make this decision in a matter of a few days and will not allow her the proper amount of time to rationalize what is happening. She will then proceed to become incredibly enraged, as she was in the process of paying for a $6k visa to marry your sorry ass.

3. The next step is to spend the following three months fighting back and forth, until you move back home. You’ll rarely fight now. In fact, you will hardly speak. You will have awkwardly silent phone calls where you can feel her pushing you away. You’ll wake up a few months later to realize that you have crushed this poor girl. You promised her the world, and instead you only ripped apart her heart with your selfish choices. So, like the true man you are, you will leave her over text.

4. Three months later you will fly back to the states and when you step off that plane, you will be greeted by this broken hearted girl. She will have come to apologize for how things ended and receive closure. Instead, you’ll cause even more confusion. You will spend the next few days watching this girl who loves you more than anyone else ever has struggle to rationalize being with you. She will leave you with a kiss and some tears in the airport with the promise to try and figure this all out.

5. Now, while the two of you were apart, she rekindled an old flame. This girl, who you thought you have wrapped around your finger, was trying to get over you. So, she got herself tangled up with someone else – her best guy friend to be exact. Now she finds herself conflicted because a piece of her heart still lies with you, the giant man child. She spends months trying to sort out her feelings and your inability to get your shit together, which ultimately leads her to choose to end things.

6. Here’s where it gets sticky! You immediately go running to her old college roommate for comfort. Now, this friend’s a sucker for you and you know this. So, you work up some crocodile tears and confide in this friend about your heartbreak. This friend then decides to tell you about the poor girl’s guy friend who she had started dating after the two of you ending things. You and this “friend” then spin things into lies where she was cheating on you, and you’re worked up into a frenzy. You immediately text her freaking out about it, and allow her no time to explain and proceed to block her on every form of social media. You will then continue to shit talk her to her old friends until she reaches her breaking point.

And your masterpiece is finished! You left someone you once loved and cared about broken and hating you. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the perfect recipe for heartbreak.