One of the hardest decisions I have ever made has been letting go of someone I truly cared about.
I let them go because I realized I wasn’t happy anymore. I was once again, falling trap to my biggest fear: settling. I was settling for that person because I focused on the potential, rather than the reality. I was focusing on what we could have been, rather than what we were. I ignored all the tears that I cried and focused on the good times that we had because I thought that we would eventually get it right. I ignored the lack of progress that we made every time we got into a fight. I ignored the lack of communication we had and always blamed it on bad timing, and busy schedules. I ignored all the secrets, lies, and the broken promises. At the time, I didn’t realize what I was doing. Now I realize, I was only making excuses; I was lying to myself. I wanted it to work out, so I lied to myself and told myself I was happy. I was content with how things were, and I was content with how I was being treated.
But then one day, I woke up, and I realized that I was still with that person because I was scared. I was scared because everyone else in my past, it never worked out with, and suddenly I was so close to getting it right. I was scared to let go, because I did not think I would ever get something as great as what I had. But was it great? Because I wasn’t feeling so great about being with that person anymore. I had more doubts than reassurances. When I was with him I felt secure, but when I wasn’t, my thoughts were clouded with doubts. I didn’t know anymore if being with that person was what I wanted. Suddenly I realized there were more times that I didn’t miss him than times that I did. That was when I realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. I didn’t want to settle anymore. I wanted to confront my fear and overcome it.
Now that I look back on it, I see all the flaws, and all the bad. However, I try to focus on the good. I stayed as long as I did because the good were really great. When I was with that person, it was as if the world didn’t exist. I felt comfortable, and it felt like home. But the reasons for staying were always overcome by the reasons for leaving. Whatever feelings I felt before can’t be changed; the only feelings that can be changed are the feelings that I have today. And today, I want to feel good about what happened. I no longer want to dwell on all the unanswered questions, the what-ifs, and could-have-beens. I want to focus on how things happened for a reason, which lead me to become the person I am today.
My favorite thing about relationships not working out is learning. From each failed relationship I learn so much about myself, about what I want and don’t want in a relationship, and what makes me happy. I feel thankful that a lesson is learned from each heartbreak. I feel thankful that each heart break leads me one step closer to finding the person who is truly right for me.
Right now, I’m not sure who that person will be. I don’t know if I’ve already met that person, or if I’ll be meeting them in the future. But what I do know is that I am at peace with where I am in my life right now. I am content with everything that has happened, I am content with every decision I’ve made in the past, and I am content with all the doors that have closed, and those that have opened.
For awhile, I felt like I was stuck on the last page of a chapter in the book of my life. I kept re-reading the same lines over and over again, hoping that somehow the end of that chapter would change. It wasn’t changing. I knew how the chapter was going to end, so why was I still hoping that it would change?
Now, I am ready to turn the page and leave that chapter behind. As they say, you can’t start the new chapter if you keep re-reading the last one.
I’m done re-reading, I’m moving on to the next one.