I came across the quote “We mature with the damage, not with the years,” by Mateus William, and ever since, that quote has stuck with me in every choice I’ve made and every chance I have taken. I strongly believe that as we grow older, our maturity level is based on experiences life throws at us, and how we handle them.
The first time I ever “fell in love,” I knew at that moment that whatever life was going to throw at me, I would keep all those lessons with me and eventually, they would help me grow as a person. I’ve dated other boys before, and I always thought that with those other boys, it was love. But it was so different this time; this time it was scary, exciting, beautiful, but most importantly, it was heartbreaking.
They always say that the first time cuts the deepest, and I can confirm the truthfulness of that saying. It was scary because I never expected it to happen; I never saw it coming. It started out as a simple “friends with benefits” and i always strongly believed I could prevent having feelings for my best friend, but over time that comfort that I found in him turned into love.
I found comfort in the times I could turn to him when I needed him, those days where I would feel beautiful without makeup on and not having a need to impress him, or just him being there to talk to when I was bored. That comfort I was so used to became the comfort that I wanted to hold onto and the comfort that I wanted to bury my heart in to make a home. It was exciting because before when we would kiss or hookup, I never felt anything, but suddenly kissing him and being with him got my heart racing and left me breathless. Suddenly every single time was better than before and I was always looking forward for the next time that I would be with him. It was beautiful because this love had numerous flaws, but I accepted all of them wholeheartedly. Flaws that others found problematic and erratic were what made me fall in love with him even more.
We would always argue and fight; even though we were never in a real relationship it always felt like it was because we would fight and ignore each other for days, but no matter what we would always come back to each other in the end. Unfortunately, it was heartbreaking because the moment I realized all of this, the fact that I was so in love with him, was the day that I lost him.
Another saying states that you never know what you have until it’s gone. The day I realized that I lost him was the moment I realized that this whole time I was confusing that comfort with friendship. However, that friendship turned into something more, at least for me. For him, I was just a simple outlet or a getaway, something he could turn to when he was lonely or bored. We were each other’s comfort zones, and in a comfort zone, there is no room to grow. It signifies what exactly it is, a place of comfort without any room for growth. We both became chained to this idea and ironically, this comfort led me to fall deeper and deeper into love, but this comfort for him was where loneliness led him to when it wasn’t working out with anyone else.
In order to finally understand my feelings, and to move on, I knew I had to be honest in order to let it all go. So that’s what I did, I let it all go by telling him how I felt. Although his silence was predictable, I guess there was always some part of me that was hoping he would say something that would urge me to fight for this love. But the silence confirmed it, and I felt my heart break into shattered pieces that I have never felt before.
This was also the moment I realized that you could love someone, and give so much to someone, but yet it still won’t be enough for them to give you that love back. And that was the most painful realization. That what I gave him was not enough, that I was not enough for him.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, and as I try to move on and accept the unreturned love of my first love, I know that this experience has helped me become the person I am today. I do not regret anything because all those choices I made, and chances I took with him helped me understand that we all have so much love to give, and even though some aren’t willing to accept it, this eventually will help us become selfless and fill our hearts with compassion. All I can think about is, if I could give so much love to the wrong person, I can’t wait to give all that love to the right one.