I try to determine where I fit into the larger scheme of things without being caught in the undertow of the ocean’s pull. As I play in the waves, I find the strength that I need to harness in my body and in my mind. There is a balance between going with the flow, surrendering to the tidal pushing and pulling, while learning how to stand up and balance on the rocking and rolling.
I will enjoy the reflections of a clear blue sky in the glass I paddle through, full armed and carrying the weight that drips off of me as I lift one shoulder up and out, over and down again. Spending more time watching the distant horizon, waiting to see what will come and greet me where I float. And sometimes I will end up closer to the cliffs, sometimes much closer to the group that kicks and stares out across the blue. Putting in the effort to stand up and feel the rolling underneath me.
There is an equilibrium that is warranted—sometimes I get eaten by the waves and sometimes I dig in for a deep bite myself. Staying up with the balancing act, riding through the clouds as they cut up and back and shine brightly with eyes squinted into the distance. And laughter always consumes me in these moments. I wonder about the potential and which of these sets will take me in. Many days spent kicking around and exhaling into the deeper waters beyond me, I become consumed by the crashing of the waves along the cliffs in profoundness. With several sailboats bobbing here and there against the wharf and a few hungry seals swimming by, the world continues to turn in a slow motion unveiling, waiting to be taken while also taking me with it.
I save space for this back and forth loving, weathering the storms of my own mind and my own uncertainties. Being okay with not necessarily being okay. These are transitional states of being, the mind that is locked into waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the waves to catch me and come undone in the curls dripping from my head held high. These are strange times and even stranger paradigms. Instead of forcing my way up and out onto everything that rolls underneath me, I challenge myself to wait. To position myself in the right spot and to pop up when the feelings are right. In those times, I paddle with much might and sing into my heart. Welcoming the challenge, willing the undertow to push me forward, the present moment is really all that we have to channel our control.
When I can, I find respite. I do what I can to simply enjoy the distances I’ve made available to myself and see that which could be painted in darkness with a clarity of lighter vision. There is struggle, and there is also a chance to grow. Courage to stand up, courage to try again, forgiveness and humility when I end up spending more time dunked under the clear, cold water than above it. I trust that the universe will expose me to the horizon and its endless possibilities more than ever.