I Am Choosing To Trust My Instincts

I get lost in the day, up with the morning before the sun and watching it cross the sky, playing with the plants and the shadows. The thoughts of solitude and all of the activities that I can accomplish wrap around me. I shun the thoughts of needing another. I get to the point, writing out all of the things I can do. It feels good to cross them off each instance. And yet, I grow fond of thinking of the other. Comparison and hope for what could be. The fantasies creep into my sidelines.

The breath gives me a few chances to reel into my own heart and be honest with myself. In the quiet of the morning and as the darkness covers the spaces, I feel more comfortable in my own skin. I don’t question the unknown as much; I surrender to it. I’m not concerned with the other, with the thoughts that try to cling to the banks of my mind’s river. Instead, I am awakened to the moment that is in front of me. I feel the keys underneath my finger tips, I watch as the words form across the screen and I blink my eyes with a full stomach. It’s only in the height of the day that I get lost in the comparison and the conformity. The source of all conflict.

But I circle back to my heart and settle in. I know that I have everything that I need. The warmth of my body, a roof over my head, the sun that brightens to the blueness overhead. I am at home in my own being. The shadows are just another part of me, exploring the darkness without questioning the fears. Rather, I allow them to be.

I’m tired of trying so hard to connect with people across distances at this time. I am tired of trying to amuse the other. I value the short spurts of togetherness and then I am ready to relinquish the obligations that I put onto myself. I’m more interested in being by myself and learning about the world as it arises. Freshness in my mind, freshness in my mouth. I want more of the savoring that occurs in the changing tides. Getting rid of the judgments and just letting it be. I am glad to not be in the same space that I was in my previous town. I needed to rid myself of that home, those relationships, that mindset.

While perhaps it is fair to say that the routine will kick in here in my new city sooner rather than later, I am making concerted efforts to find sources of happiness in my actions. Gratitude, savoring, recognizing what does make me happy in terms of my priorities and living out my dreams. This includes spending time outside, making the most out of my relationships, and doing things for myself that make me happy. I want to connect with the community, learning from them and being open to what I can contribute. This means finding sources of renewable energy—giving back, opening up, being honest.

I need a break from the new normal in many ways. It might mean getting in my car and crossing some boundaries to see what’s new. Perhaps it’s also about getting on my bike and finding new distances to traverse. There is a lot still to explore in a new city, a new neighborhood, a changing lifestyle. I am reprioritizing what’s most important to me and caring less about the drama that’s building up in my head. I’m also more aware of the traits that keep me locked into negative thinking. Now is the time to drop those and be honest with my own heart. Listening to my intuition.

So easy for me to let the passerby individuals be who they are. The judgment kicks in with all of the people I know and love. As if I think that by not giving them the benefit of the doubt that I am somehow making them into better people. Now I just realize that it comes to keeping people at a distance. I find that there is some sort of inner circle of my life that I want to maintain to some degree. I would much rather find peace in acceptance. Compassion in the kindness of my heart. I see that I connect with certain individuals more than others. I am learning how to let go of the thoughts that don’t serve me, that actually block me from being the best person that I can be.

And all of this comes and goes with the flow. I start to consider what I enjoy more than anything else and how I can make it last to some degree. I know that the river swells at some moments, and the next, it can ebb in total negativity. I have to learn to love both the fullness and the emptiness that comes with being a human being. Each day has all of these comings and goings.

What matters most is that I remember our humanity in these moments. We are all going through the craziness and the uncertainties. We are each trying to function in this new normal. And it’s up to me to bridge the gaps of miscommunication that occur in my life. I have the power to make changes because I am the narrator of my own story. I care about being my honest and truest self. I want to be the fluid state of knowing that comes in the mornings as I meditate. Presence that listens to the birds sing and the crows peck at the tiles on the roof.

I am healing. I am learning how to get rid of the things that don’t serve me. While I appreciate these histories, I no longer believe that certain material items will bring me happiness. I am taking more time to just tune into myself. To find more pleasure in the experiences without holding onto things that will weigh me down. How can I take more on in the form of connection? Touching the water at low tide, feeling the orange glow of the sun as it dances on the horizon, and relaxing into a bottle of wine. Now is my time for gentleness, softness, and the embodiment of an open heart. I know that I am worthy of love and that the way that I can maintain relationships is through the effort I exert.

Trusting more of the world as it unfolds, letting the moments be what they are. In the slowness, I appreciate what comes out of these exposures. Beauty and surrender. My darkness is just as much fun to play with as the lightness in my being. And if there’s anything I can do about it, it is to be honest and speak with authenticity. We all need a kind heart and an outreached hand in these moments of solitude. Some of us are more capable of connecting than others, the world right within our four walls. Others are feeling the connection through wave lengths and pixelated computer screens.

I am choosing to relish in the good things that I accomplish each day. I am learning more about the normalities that I’ve created in my habits and in my head. Rather than allowing them to continue to manage my mind, I want to break the status quo. I want to be more aligned with my innate goodness, recognizing that some days are much more productive than others. Recognizing that I am both the gentle slow tides that lap at my feet and also the powerful crashing of the green waves that turn in the full moon’s turn on.

Going a bit slower now. Giving myself the space and time that I need to just relax. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself and the world around me to be something. To fulfill some gaping need that doesn’t actually exist. And in the end, I have horse blinders on, wondering what’s supposed to be and what could be if I had more. If I had something else. Rather, now is the time for me to just give space to the absolute being of presence. I am learning how to appreciate the sunshine and the deeper breaths. I am learning more about the pedaling of my bicycle, the dancing leaves that flutter overhead, and the sanctuary of my bed. I choose to knock down the walls of my heart because it’s not worth the heaviness.

There’s time to melt. There’s time to give to myself and not focus so much on the eccentricities of what was supposed to be. Reality is what I make of it and I choose to make the best. I don’t want to be constantly questioning what is for what could be. I would much rather be grateful for what I am doing and who I am with. This world is made up of so much goodness, and I want to contribute to that. I want to be a force of the transparency, the colors, the choices that give to wholeness. With all of us being integrated, with the individual pieces being a part of something larger, I am not looking for the single focus. I am seeing the ripple and watching the heron glide over the glassy waters. I am dipping in and opening up. With a few additional moments of just tuning in, I am giving back to my heart. What I want is the chance to dance in the dark night and open up to the creative flows within me. Giving them a chance to speak through me, I am grateful for the special settling in. Treating myself to more of the gratitude and seeing more from the perspective of the other.

We all have our own lenses and focuses to see through. What matters most is accepting each of us with what we have. No judgment. No desire to change the other. How can we work together and be respectful without putting so much pressure on the other to be something that they are not? It is time to use our concerted efforts to make lasting and sustainable change. Change for the betterment of our society and for the collective that we are. It’s too much to be focused on the divisiveness of our differences. We have the chance to do something better and to do it well. Appreciating the good that we all bring to the table and our similarities, I know that we will be able to make a difference for the long term.

Nature turns me on and connects me more deeply to others.

Keep up with Mikaela on Instagram