If ugly dudes have every right to stick their dicks in hot women, shouldn’t ugly women have every right to get skewered by hot dudes? The movie industry has the answer — and sorry, ugly girls, it’s not in your favor. There’s actually a Mila Kunis or a Megan Fox out there waiting to whisper sensual, supportive messages to every average guy. Here’s a list of seven films featuring mediocre average Joes scoring way hotter chicks.
7. Chef (2014):. Yeah, Chef Carl Casper (played by Jon Favreau) can cook, but throughout the movie, he’s still basically a rotund loser with a temper. And yet, Molly, the hot, tattooed manic pixie dream girl restaurant host played by Scarlett Johansson, lustfully tells the fat chef that he’s “the best chef she’s ever worked with.” At the same time, Inez, played by the totally meh-looking Sofia Vergara, remains inexplicably supportive, genuine, and loyal to him. But then again, Casper can cook, so maybe the movie’s not so far from reality? After all, bitches love pasta.
6. Neighbors (2014): Okay so Mac Radner (played by Seth Rogen) isn’t ugly — but he’s definitely squarely average. And Kelly Radner (played by the flawless Rose Byrne) is definitely squarely gorgeous. So why should a woman like Kelly — who probably eats exclusively kale and does Pilates while watching American Idol — settle for Mac? He probably has Cheetos fingers. Ew.
5. Get Smart (2008): Anne Hathaway (Agent 99) is a versatile angel, and Steve Carell (Maxwell Smart) is a middle-aged dude who wears suits.
4. Forrest Gump (1994): Let’s be real. Jenny was gorgeous — even if in a kinda strange, she’s-fucked-up way. Forrest was definitely a tall, white Urkel. We’ve all seen photos from the 70s. There were fat rolls tightly cocooned by flower-child crop-tops and high-waisted bell-bottoms. There were baggy eyes from nights of drug use. There was matted hair and ruddy faces from protesting the draft for weeks without showering. Jenny could’ve been uglier. Forrest could’ve been handsomer. But in the end, this movie was super beautiful and it actually hurts to hate on it. So Forrest Gump, you get a pass.
4.5. The Terminal (2004): Really didn’t want to be too hard on Tom Hanks. But come on, Catherine Zeta-Jones? To be fair, Viktor doesn’t get with Amelia in the end.
3. Paul Blart, Mall Cop (2009): Is the quirky, cute red-head lady from Glee making out with the mall cop out of gratefulness for his heroism? Out of desperation? Is she into overweight Segway scooter users?
2. Zack and Miri Make a Porno (2008): Another movie in which Seth Rogen bangs a hot girl. This time featuring the inspiring theme of friend-zoned-male wish fulfillment.
1. Superbad (2007): Whoa there! The ratio of ugly dudes to hot chicks is out of control! No hot chick should be hanging out in close proximity with so many ugly dudes. We have Jonah Hill playing Seth (2/10), Christopher Mintz-Plasse playing Fogell (2/10), and everyone’s favorite, Michael Cera, playing Evan (4/10). And then we have motherfucking Emma Stone. EMMA STONE. (9.9/10???!) reasonably flirting — even if in the most reluctant manner with Jonah Hill. WHAT???
The point is: the mainstream media tends to permeate an unfortunate double standard. It’s unequal, and it sucks for ugly girls and hot girls alike. The solution is not that guys without abs should basically kill themselves. In fact, it’s far less brutal. We need to support the development of a pop culture that tells guys it’s normal to lust after girls without impeccable figures and perfect bone structure. It’s time we start featuring some mildly ugly women getting it on with mildly ugly dudes. I want to see a straight version of Rachel Maddow making out with Zack Galifankis in the rain. Heck, let’s just go the whole mile and — god forbid — make a film about a BMI 26 lady lovingly banging Ryan Gosling. I have faith in this society, let’s put some ugly women in movies.