Did I leave the lights on? Did I feed the dog? Did I leave the lights on? Did I lock the door? I need to attend a meeting for a class. Did I leave the lights on? Did I forget my keys? I’ll visit a friend later. Did I leave the lights on?
You see, being Obsessive Compulsive is like going through hell back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, but without you actually knowing. OCD will involve a lot of overthinking. Things that are yet to happen, but you will already imagine it happening inside your head. Inside your head. Inside your head. INSIDE. YOUR. HEAD.
Whenever I walk down a street, hangout with my friends, or basically interact with other people, I do my best to hide it. Nothing good will happen to me if they find out about my disorder. In fact, it might even scare the people around me away. And so I’ve decided: no one can know about my disorder. Hide it the best way you can. No one can know about my disorder. Hold your shit together. No one can know about my disorder. Don’t trust anyone. No one can know about my disorder. No one can know, because no one really wants someone who overthinks 99% of the time.
People come and go in my life, because I can never be truly close to anyone. No one can know about my disorder. A lot of faces have been perceived by my eyes: pretty faces, plastic faces, funny faces, sincere faces.
But there she was…. Someone dressed haggard, slouching in her chair, listening closely to the professor discussing in front. For a year, she ran marathons in my head, pounded beat after beat in my heart, and latched onto my wretched soul. She’s the one. For a year, I admired her from afar, appreciating every word she utters in class. She’s the one. She is the one.
Within that year, I decided to be constant: I talked to her every single day. I befriended her. I made sure I asked her how her day was, every single day. A year has gone by; I asked her out…… AND SHE SAID YES! She said yes! My world went spinning. She said yes! I didn’t know that my dreadful brain can still become worse.
I dressed the best way I can; shirt and slacks with leather shoes. I rushed from my room to the kitchen to see if my baby sister is eating her dinner – did I leave the lights on? I kissed her my sister’s forehead and waved my goodbye. I drove to her place; thrilled, excited, eager to know more about her. Did I leave the lights on?
As the night went by, we exchanged words that filled the longing I had inside me. She looked so pretty in her black dress, uttering all the right words, almost as if it’s said on purpose, so she could stay in my dreams longer. It was the perfect night.
Months have gone by, and we grew closer. We talk every day; telling stories and ridiculing each other. We hang out from time to time; going on secret rendezvous or having sundaes at McDonald’s.
She makes my heart flutter; she makes my head fluster so bad, I’m getting confused on how love works. This kind of feeling…. It’s wrong because you couldn’t tell if it’s you or the OCD deciding. Does my heart really want her? Or is it the disorder wanting to grasp her?
Every time I’m with her, I feel my heart pound so fast, and so strong. It’s so dangerous that it can kill a person. She’s a drug to my system. And I like it. As the song goes, “am I in love with her or am I in love with the feeling?”
She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make her feel infinite. She doesn’t know it yet, but I’ll marry her someday. She does not know, but I’ll be always at her side no matter how much she pushes me away, or how little I get in return. I’m obsessive compulsive, but now I’m obsessed with you.