Too many times have I walked along this cracked road, chalked up in the writing of names of old flames. No matter how much it rains down my face, dripping onto the concrete, the names won’t dissipate.
I’m that odd fish in the sea who stands out among the waters, all brightly scaled in red, and goes up to the fish she sees potential in. Basically, in human terms, I normally make the first move when it comes to guys. I have no fear or shame in telling a guy I see that they are attractive.
What is there to hide? If I know what I want, why am I going to wait? I’m not a mind reader, though at times I wish I were (it would save me a lot of time). Plus, guys do the exact same thing. However, I feel as though it is more terrifying because woman are obnoxiously observant. Any little thing sets them off, checking off a big, fat “NO” mark in their mind.
Guys used to come up to me, but I think my resting mean face has become too solidified, and deems me unapproachable. Regardless, the guys who I have gone up to simply deny me. Everyone then questions me as to what I did wrong, as if making the first move was a bad choice.
Over time, I started to realize how I was just forcing conversation with these men. How I pretended to know anything remotely related to the expressionism art movement or that I knew how to play Call of Duty, when in actuality I enjoy novels with immense character development and vegetarian food.
I thought, “Well, maybe I just have to expose myself to different people. Maybe opposites do attract.” After many failed attempts of adhesion, I decided to rest my heart, pulling my tongue and teeth over things I genuinely had no interest in. I don’t mind knowing everything there is that makes the world as unique as it is. However, we all had cases where things just put us to sleep faster than a glass of warm milk.
Deep down, I believe in fate. I believe if things are meant to work out, they will in some way, shape, or form. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe in true love, molded by choice and emotion.
I have seen people try and try to make things work out, and at times, it won’t. They will become utterly frustrated, but I urge those people to lay low. Lose yourself into your work, become distracted, because whatever is meant to happen will happen whether you are prepared or not. At that point, you have the choice to either accept it or not.
For example, I stated to myself how I “knew everyone in the town” and “didn’t appeal to anyone.” Low and behold, a week later, while I was working, someone stumbled into my life. He was the only guy in my life who actually tried to get to know me for me, and came up to me first. I could have chosen to avoid it, to prevent a heartache. Yet, in instead, he became the love of my life, something I didn’t expect.
And now, every person after him didn’t stick. Mainly, it is my fault because my heart will belong to him, but also because I was forcing it. I was forcing myself to have fake feelings for these guys, playing coy when I should be genuine.
I’m not telling you to believe in my thoughts and ideas because I watched too many rom-coms to even justify these beliefs. However, giving my heart a break never let me down. It saves not only yourself, but someone else.
After all, if you have a soul, you wouldn’t want to put another through the facade you have gone through yourself.