For quite a while, I’ve contemplated my whole life plan and meaning. I’d overthink my mind to exhaustion over my career and things I had absolute no control over, practically driving myself into sickness.
One day I was saying I would drop out of college, and move out to Los Angeles to pursue the arts. The next day I would find some ultimate gain in self-confidence, vowing to volunteer and help those in sickness. I felt as though I was back in kindergarten all over again.
Growing up in my family, we all started from nothing and had to build ourselves up from the bottom. It’s a quite gratifying experience, needless to say. With this, it was cemented in me to have a hunger for success from such an early age.
I’m not one to give up on things. Simply, because, my father instilled in me to never give up. Sounds as cliché as can be, especially in times of frustration. Yet, it has been a piece of advice that has stuck with me through and through, regardless of what the case may be.
My father has also instructed me to stick through with my decisions; if it gets me in trouble, then so be it. “You don’t know if it’s sour or sweet until you taste it” is something he would always say. He is a man of many wise words; someone a young and naive soul like me appreciates.
Though, there are times where the darkness overclouds the shine within us. Where other people’s preconceived notions about society, humanity, and everything in between fogs our goals and aspirations due to a placement of fear.
We will tend to closet up all the possibilities of positivity in this life because it is more rare than not to be down in the dumps, something we decide to accept. We, as humans, wear negativity on our clothes by default.
I felt pressured to uphold this image of “I know what I am doing” or “what I want to do in life” for people in my life. I felt as if I couldn’t be clueless or lost, otherwise I would be perceived as a failure. But something in my gut kept telling me I had to be honest with myself for once. (Or maybe, my gut was telling me to stop eating late night Chinese food.)
Regardless, the conversation with myself was difficult. But, it was a well needed one. I had to revamp my entire persona because the world shaped me into an image I was sincerely unhappy with. Trying to identify the person you were for a long time and dramatically changing into the person you want to be now is mortifying to say the least. Intuition and observance became my best friends.
You will know when you need to change something in your life. You will get tired of that grey, mundane mask you wear on a daily basis. It’s the click in your brain when you finally connect the dots.
Whether it is to remove someone you are in contact with, or dropping responsibilities you no longer found pleasurable, you will. You will and you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. You are in control of your life. It will be scary, yet rewarding because in the end, the only stamp of approval that should matters is yours.
Now, I am realizing to neglect the regurgitation of other’s opinions and beliefs, despite how strapping it can be. Now, I am no longer a doormat for everyone’s heavy-weighed limbs. Now, I am finally content with the person I am, and you can be too.