When it comes to a significant other, I treat them as top of the hierarchy list among all people in my life. I mean, this is someone who I spend most of my time with, if not, thinking about on a daily basis. Worrying about whether they had a good day at work, if the traffic didn’t cause them too much frustration, hoping the barista made their coffee just the way they like it.
These are little things that run through my head.
I care. I care whole heartedly. I want nothing but the best for whoever I chose to be with. And, vice versa, whoever I am with, most likely treats me as equally with enough care, love, and respect. They keep in mind of the little things I love, give me a cold towel for my head when I’m feeling stressed, and stick with me through my precarious nights.
For someone to give fully is, in and of itself, beautifully scary because, sadly, all I can think about is how this may not last. Because, for whatever reason, things die down. Feelings fade. Passions expire or overturn. People give up and give into the exhilarating thrill of someone new. You two may go “on a break” for a while, but it’s never truly how it used to be.
I simply do not know how to start again. After building so much with someone, how does one clean up the dust like the burial of Pompeii?
I don’t know how people bounce back into relationships so quick.
I have friends who treat every person they’ve been with as a stepping stone to personal development, and closer to “the one”. I can’t help but question the stars above me to exhaustion with so many what if’s. What if they were “the one”? What if it was something with me that drove them away?
For me, relationships are scary. I’ve always seen relationships as a risk, never a joy. Reasons are due to so much hurt and dishonesty. The whole process of putting so much on the line, learning about another person, growing together only for it to subsequently dissipate is absolutely terrifying.
Having to go through the whole process again is draining in all aspects. Getting that mushy, butterfly feeling in your stomach again, and debating if you should give in. Wondering how fast should you go with the person, whether the first impression is a positive one, trying to read body language. In the end, you result in mimicking how you met your old lover, and instantly start comparing them to the person you once knew.
Some people see it as a fun, little journey to exploration, but personally, I don’t.
I’m scared to fall in love again.