I hear your name. I see you plastered on my social media, no matter how much muting or blocking I do.
Everyday, even in my sleep, you haunt me. Your voice, actions, absolutely everything flood my mind on a daily basis.
Seeing your name puts me into a fight or flight response.
Chest gets heavy, stomach churns, I get insanely cold and numb. My body senses danger faster than my heart ever will.
It’s not supposed to be like this.
I’m not sure what it is like to be madly in love, but I sure believe in being sickly in love. It’s being in denial about the pain. Adrenaline from good memories pour over all my hurt, and trick me into thinking things are coming up roses, when it’s more so dead and gone.
It doesn’t have to be like this.
I take full responsibility for the broken road I walk on. I made the cracks. It’s my mess. Not his, not hers, not the rumors; all me. I could have chosen to be strong; to stand up for myself rather than be a mouse. To address issues head-on instead of avoiding them, and affect those around me like a ripple in the water.
When people in our lives drift away, it causes an enormous amount of emotional pain. The pain is suffocating, almost unbearable at times. I knew from the very beginning what I was risking. But it’s not everyday you find someone you can connect with on so many levels, whether as a friend or as a lover.
Here’s where I’ll put my two cents. I am all for experiencing things in this world so we have our own stories to share and lessons to learn. With this, I exclaim to the stars above me for everyone to hear.
Don’t compromise your emotions for experiences.
I made the mistake of being so emotionally involved with someone that, sometimes, I believe it was just for the mere history of this type of pain. I lost myself in the whirl of it all, and got knocked down more times than I think I could have handled.
I once heard how destruction beckons creation. How we use the pain we pent up inside of us, and use it to fuel some positive outlet.
It can be in the arts, cooking, even running. I too believe in the fire; however, I’m starting to see how pain sometimes isn’t worth creation.
It didn’t have to be like this.
Only you can better yourself. You really have to change the way you think, sometimes even forget what your heart feels, in order to live a much more positive life. You have to fight your mind and thoughts just for a sense of serenity. If that means letting go of the person, the people associated with them, memories, belongings, music, social media, literally anything and everything; then so be it. It’s your well being on the line.
Don’t let exuberating moments in life pass you by because of past, present, and future hinders. Whoever hurt you, is still living their lives, and their are others out there wearing a mask just like yours; the only difference is they aren’t allowing it to hone in on the present moment.
I admire those who have the strength to leave unpromising situations. They have the guts to save themselves from deteriorating further. I just wish I could have saved myself in time, but it’s never too late to start.