I Have No Apologies For The Way I Felt About You

Ian Schneider
Ian Schneider

I’ll never forget the moment I realized I was in love with you. It was over a conversation with a much wiser, close friend of mine. The person stated for me to recall something only you and I would know or shared in common. Thinking heavily, I remembered how the first night we met, we talked about cooking and how we loved asparagus; something so little and simple. My face lit up with the recollection and as I began to talk about it, my friend halted me. They said, “I don’t need you to tell me anything. Your face said it all. You need to tell him you love him”.

I guess I didn’t realize or think much about actually reaching this moment in my life, especially when I knew damn well we were not emotionally equal. We tried to stay on the page, but we were always either a page ahead, behind, or on a completely different chapter all together.

Since time has passed, we no longer speak to each other. A sad, succumbing admission. I go on with my own life and you still stick to your ways of operating in this world. Maybe later on, things can become civil again. No matter how things may have ended, I will promise you I will always be there for you, in any way, shape, or form, and I’m not ashamed to say that.

During the healing process, I’ve had numerous people in my life question my grace and patience with the entire situation, from beginning to end. How could I have let someone tear me apart for a past or deal with such a level of disrespectful immaturity?

Sometimes, I fall back on the idea of love and say, “You will go through hell and back for someone you love”. Other times, I assume it was because I never had any experience or a love life of sorts, and figured, I needed some lessons to be learned.

Lessons learned would be about myself, the person I was with, and the world around me. For me, I learned that while I can’t wait in a line for more than five minutes, I was able to muster enough patience to deal with things if I genuinely knew it would be worth it in the end.

With you, I learned how you just may have not been ready for anything serious, or were afraid of any potential enduring pain due to a past history with previous women.

As for the world around me, I became observant. I saw how love blooms in other people’s lives; either beautifully or tragically. I could never compare my love to another person’s love because each story is unique in itself, and we should all strive for our own unique love story.

To all the people who believe my feelings were invalid, I say the same for you when I question why you love someone who I do not think is appropriate for you. If I were to express my distaste for your person, you would tell me the exact same thing I am about to say; each love is different, therefore, you’re love will never be equivalent to mine. We all love differently.

Despite the brief, misunderstanding points we have reached from time to time, I’m glad to forever know someone like you. I was beginning to lose hope of appealing to someone and being able to be organically myself, but you made it easy. Your smile will stay permanently imbedded in my mind; something that always brought a sense of warmth on my gloomiest nights.

I make no apologies for how I felt about you because I loved you in the best way I knew how; I saw the best in you when no one did, and you believed in me when I didn’t see anything to believe in. TC mark

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