Just like many other people, I see things in various perspectives. The ins and outs of certain situations, how things are viewed in one eye versus the other. Balance is what I like to call it; helps ease the chaos of a positive or negative side. The positive side of this balance bar is the level-headedness I achieve as a result by producing pros and cons. The negative side, on the other hand, is the in denial factor and indecisiveness that comes along with this. And so, in an effort to change and get better, this is a letter to myself; the very indecisive and in denial person I am.
For starters, stop texting that boy. Stop thinking he’s going to change. He’s not going to have some miraculous thought, and think, “Man I really love her and I’m gonna go after her” just like your imagination keeps telling you is going to happen.
I know you love him, forever and always. Because let’s be honest; you spent a good nine months with someone on an intimate level and in some way, genuinely connected here and there. You’re allowed to sulk, but not forever. So stop eating tubs of ice cream and crying yourself to sad music. He’s not going to get in his car and drive to you. He’s not gonna get on the plane and come see you. He’s not gonna bring you peonies and a box of chocolates. Hell, he’s not even gonna text you or call you or Snapchat you back like you keep telling yourself he will one day. His ignorance is giving you a message.
Accept it already, for as much as you do not want to, and move on, for both sakes. I know every romantic movie gives you hope, because you truly never know what can happen in a few years down the road; however, movies are movies for a reason; to let you escape for a little but not live in the small percent of a possibility. Do not keep waiting by your phone for something to happen when the likelihood is increasingly low.
To the friends who do not keep in touch with you back home, know that you will find people who will keep in touch with you in the near future without asking for something in return. You do not need a tons of friends, especially when everyone back home grew up together since they were babies and you were essentially the new kid. Do not let them use the busy excuse because you are the one miles away from everyone you love and care for, yet you still find time for a simple text.
Keep in mind, we have social media to portray the happy life we strive to have. That Instagram picture of where a group of your friends met up for dinner and are happy and smiling? Yes, it very much so can be just for show. You know very well because one of them called from the dinner complaining about the person sitting next to them.
You have your friends who stay for you and have dinners with you and celebrate your birthday because they want you in their life for YOU, not for a Snapchat story. If you ever feel as though you are completely alone, you are not because you have yourself, which brings me to my last truth.
You were raised by a tough love mother. Since you were eight, you learned to go about for yourself for anything and everything. People picked on you and gave you snide comments for it only for their inability of doing just what you were perfecting. Stick to your independent self because it is what you know best.
You are completely fine being alone with your music, your writing, your photography, whatever it may be because there was no buzzing noise of nonsense drama lingering in your ear.
On top of it, you are a twenty eight year old trapped in a nineteen year old body, and with that, comes responsibilities and opportunities people would dream of. Yes, you are gonna have days where you break down and feel like the world is a mess you have no control over. We all lose our footing; what is important is getting back on the path. Fall seven times, get back up eight.
Lastly, do not let your anxiety get the best of you. It is all in your head, truly, and control is something you will learn. Getting help is nothing to be ashamed of. We all fall off.
You are beautiful in your own way, just as everyone else is. Be happy for others. Be happy for yourself. Who cares if you wear black and navy together? Who cares if you wanted to try the new drink at Starbucks? If it makes you happy, why would you care about what other people around you think? Everyone else is doing their own thing and so should you. Embrace it.
So start smiling more; you did not wear braces for four years for nothing.