I came across an old post today. It had two different pictures of us. The first was the most recent taken and the second was one from four or five years before. It was posted loud and proud to your Instagram page showing the perfect friendship and the silliness of who we were together.
You knew how to read me as much as I did you. Even with just one glance, no words needed. Somehow from the very beginning you were able to squeeze your way between the cracks of my walls and gain my trust. As if it was nothing.
Up until that point no one was ever able to do something that left such a huge impression in my life. To break me down so easily like it was a natural part of your existence. I never let anyone in my own little world. Except for you; I couldn’t help it. You just waltzed right in, got under my skin and made yourself a nice new little home.
What surprised me most is that I let you. I didn’t fight it. I didn’t feel the need to run away. There was no fear present to threaten my mind that you would be just another person to walk away like everyone else did. Our friendship was a natural born blessing that brought many, many new views to my life. You opened me up to a whole new world of endless possibilities. Your reassurance made me feel like I didn’t have to hide in the shadows anymore. Your kindness gave me hope that there were others out there just like you.
Sure enough, your friendship helped me step out of my fear and brought the courage to allow those few others into my little circle. Those I loved and cared for and accepted as they did me. We all were our own little circle. No bond greater than the other. We made each other stronger. No jealousy but equal love and equal friendship.
I owe all my gratitude to the blessing God gave me in the form of you.
So in a way I owe you the same thanks for allowing yourself to be a blessing to me. But this post, it gave me a bittersweet feeling; all because of the caption that was underneath. Talking about how times have changed but our friendship never will. How I have been a blessing to you and being grateful for the wonderful friendship I offered. That I was the first real best friend you ever had. You even went as far as stating you look forward to the many more years to come.
Looking at where we are now makes me question so many things. From when, to why, to how we are, where we are right now; going from being best friends to more or less, acquaintances. It’s bittersweet. I know exactly how we got here. I also know that the majority of it is my fault. A small portion belongs to you.
You let me push you away because you couldn’t handle my decision of letting my heart get broken once again. I understand you couldn’t stand and watch me go through that again because I didn’t listen to your warnings.
So you walked away.
I blame myself for letting you. I want you to know that your warnings did not fall on deaf ears. I heard them and took them to heart. I did not purposely ignore what you said. I just didn’t know how to explain to you why I was letting myself back into to a relationship that left me broken back then. Now I do.
I let it happen because I couldn’t survive not having closure. I couldn’t live with myself knowing I hadn’t done or tired everything to save something that meant so much to me at the time.
I had to exhaust myself and my options before I completely gave up. I can assure you that both times I got back into that relationship that failed; I came out stronger than ever. Why? Because I listened to you and the others by guarding my heart and not letting myself get consumed once again.
If it wasn’t for your warnings, I never would have made it to the point of it getting easier each time. It gave me the room in my mind to actually see it for myself that he was no good for me. I found that closure I was looking for because you did help me.
I want you to know that I am not angry with you for stepping away from our friendship.
I was angry with you for a while but once understanding hit me, I forgave you. You did so to protect yourself. I and I can’t blame you for that. I know you have forgiven me and I am beyond grateful for your compassionate heart.
I do however regret us not being as close as we use to be. I miss it so much that I lie awake at night remembering all those times we use to have. I know it will never be the same. Our lives have separated us from random meetings and no time to do anything. I miss our crazy random conversations just for the heck of it through messages. And most of all I hate that it is awkward when we do have a conversation.
I want you to know, above all, you still have a special place in my heart and you always will.
I still consider you my best friend and will always love you. Maybe one day when life settles for us both we can restart to build that bond we had once before. Until then know I will always, always be here for you. Never forget that.