I could never thank you for the time you’ve given me. It just doesn’t seem right when everything feels like a lie from the very beginning.
I’ve spent so much time trying to figure out why things went the way they did. Why I allowed myself to step into a life of endless possibilities. I knew it was no good from that tragic turning point. It just added more fuel to the already blazing fire.
I lost myself somewhere between the thought of you, me, and the fantasy movie I had rolling through my head of us together.
Worse than that, I lost the most important thing in life. I lost who I was. Everything I built myself to be before you. Everything good that others have taught me just by being apart of my life. I use to be someone who knew how to have fun and not be afraid of what others thought about me. I was always so kind and caring. I would put aside everything just to be there when someone needed comfort. I was this goofy loving girl that could make people laugh and cry at the same time. I’ve had people tell me that I was a light in a bit of darkness and I brighten their mood just by walking through the door.
There was once this mental book between me and my closest of friends that had everything from random accidental words to phrases and inside jokes I can no longer recall. I only remember that we laughed about it years later like it was the first time it happened. Even though it was the actually about the 100th.
After you, I had to start from the very beginning. I had to rebuild who I was.
Do you know how hard it is when you no longer have the same essentials to go off of? That the same conscience you once had was no longer there? Pretty damn hard let me tell you. One thing’s for sure. I have gotten most of my old self back but with a few tweaks of a cold shoulder, trust issues, and a pretty heavy mean streak.
I can say I learned how to protect my heart. Maybe even a little too well. Retaliation and manipulation come second nature now. At least I know when I find someone that breaks down that wall effortlessly, they are the real deal. They are here to stay and not break me.
I wonder sometimes what people see when they look at me. Am I someone that comes off as a tough young woman that can carry herself? Or do my features show someone that’s been broken beyond the possibility of being fixed? I would like to think it’s the first. At least then I wouldn’t be damned as someone to steer clear from due to all of the baggage I carry. All of this. Its an everyday battle. Sun up to sun down I am fighting with myself. I win some days and then I lose. Nothing more than mere bruises along the way. I even shut down my feelings and emotions on occasion.
So no. If I wanted to thank you for being in my life. I wouldn’t dream of it. Even if it was just to show that I can live after being broken, I can’t. This is a life I wouldn’t want bestowed on my worst enemy. Which in this case may just be you.
I don’t want it to be but at times I just can’t control it. Its almost as if I have created this alter-ego of myself that belongs in a different dimension. And some days, she just wants to come out and play.