I should have seen it coming. I should have known after all those times of back and forth that my perfect vision of the future was a dream. I should have known because that picture was blurred around the edges, rippled by love and confusion. I couldn’t see past what my heart truly wanted from what my mind was screaming at that time. What I wanted from you was nothing but a figment of my imagination that I fought with everything I had to make it come true. Trusting in my ways and my own force was a huge mistake.
I am to blame for my own heart wrenching downfall to a pit of darkness. But, you are to blame for the agonizing signals you portrayed.
Five years of going back and forth.
Five long wasted years of letting you back in with the same lies I couldn’t see. Or, I didn’t want to see. All those times you showed me that you truly loved me and wanted me for the rest of your life to the plans and ideas of when to start a family.
How can you say that you no longer see a future with me? And yet wonder why I don’t believe if any of it was real?
How else am I supposed to see it?
It’s like you played me as a perfect brand new fiddle and then you left me broken and music-less. Feeling like I was nothing.
And your only excuse: You don’t know if your capable of love.
You say you are more clear-minded and better then you have ever been before. That you are where you have always belonged and now this path you’re on is where you should have been all along.
But this isn’t the first time you have done this.
You’ve left before. For very similar reasons. So how I see it. You feel I have held you back from where you have always wanted to be. That the support I gave was nothing but a wall for you to bulldoze through. I would have given you everything and stood by your side the either way cheering you on.
I’m done with these confusing signals you give off. I’m saving my energy for that one who will appreciate the strong woman I am. A woman that will stand behind her man and support him in the things his heart desires.
It’s time to put my love towards someone that shows the same interest in me as I do them. But for now, I am waiting for God to show me who exactly that man will be.
In Him, all things are made new.
God has me in His hands.
I am a work in progress. I fall more times than I should. But I get back up and either start over or pick up where I left off. I refuse to stay down and drown in the misery this life brings.
In God all things are possible and so He said, “My plans for you have not changed.”