It Took Completely Losing Myself To Be Able To Really Find Myself

The past year or so has been a very strange one for me. It was the best and worst of my life, and I think that’s something everyone should get to experience. I’m no good at lukewarm, never have been. I’m a terrifyingly passionate person, I go through a ton of emotional extremes, but that’s what makes me who I am.

This is the year I lost myself by trying so hard to find myself in other people. To fit and shape myself into people’s lives I realize now that I don’t belong in. I fell for the boy I wasn’t allowed to- really, really hard. I fell for the boy who fell for me first, then took it back. I’ve had people virtually say to my face, “hey, I’m going to treat you like shit, alright?” And been like, “yeah, that’s fine.” What the fuck was that? I’ve been broken by boys and I’ve broken boys.

When I realized maybe they weren’t who I thought, and I saw who they really were, I sort of tried to become who I thought they wanted once I felt them pulling back.

When I did this, the more I tried to be what they wanted, the less they liked me (Basically, you can’t do or say things for anyone but yourself, because it doesn’t help anyway). After that, I found myself in a constant state of trying to mold myself into whatever new guy’s life, because I wanted so badly to be right for someone. You do pretty stupid things when you’re sad (another huge thing I learned this year). And by trying to be so many different things at once, I kind of lost who I actually was and lost sight of the things I hold important.

By doing this, I’ve had other new relationships deteriorate. I started to become someone I wasn’t, and by default, when the right people came along, they didn’t really stick around. I probably wouldn’t have either if I was them. People who would have really liked the real me, the person I’m getting back to now, but all they saw was the mask of who I was trying to fool myself that I am. There’s a Shel Silverstein poem that I really like, and it goes like this…

“She had blue skin, and so did he. He kept it hid, and so did she. They searched for blue their whole life through, then passed right by and never knew.”

That’s become my biggest fear lately. Going through life trying to be what you think someone will want, and along the way the person who would have been totally right for you completely misses that. I keep doing this and wonder why I keep attracting all the wrong people, and why nothing works.

I’m over games. I’m not going to fluff up my job to make myself seem cooler, I’m not text anyone saying I’m out with friends when in reality I’m at home watching Netflix (we’ve all been there), If I’m free tomorrow I won’t pretend to be busy to get your attention. I don’t want to go out and party every night and I don’t want to really even want to get drunk ever to begin with. I want to stay at home and sit on the kitchen floor listening to vinyl with shitty coffee and dance around in my underwear, I want to watch documentaries and read books until my eyes feel like falling out, I want to spontaneously drive to the desert at 2AM, listening to and writing music all night long.

In losing myself I discovered parts of myself that I love so much, though. I was watching AMY the movie last night and she said something I relate to on a really personal level. “I write songs because I’m fucked up in the head, and need to get something good out of the bad.” I found my voice in darkness this year. I found exactly who I want to be, and who I am at the root of my core. I said a lot of words that in the long run needed to be said, and I had to go through a lot of shit to get them out. I honestly do believe that. I’m a big believer in fate, and not that I enjoy getting my heartbroken, but damn, do I write the hell out of it when it happens. I wouldn’t have written half of the songs I wrote in the last year. Most of the songs, actually. My extreme highs and lows serve a total purpose in my life, as fucked up as it sounds.

BUT… and I know this sounds hypocritical, but at the same time I have always been the person I am through all of this. I read this back and I think, well that’s not being fair to myself. I have and always will be the sarcastic, blunt, unapologetic, spontaneous, loving, hopeless romantic, biggest walking contradiction possible. Though I may have lost myself to some people at moments of my year and life, I have always been a strong woman who sticks to her guns. You are allowed to change, you are allowed to grow, to admit you were wrong at times. You owe no one an explanation for it. If you didn’t change, it would be alarming. I don’t think I was necessarily lost, I just ran into some fog along the path, took some tiny detours. However, these detours make our ending a better one, I wholeheartedly believe that.

I think I’m finally getting out of a really weird phase in my life, but also entering a new, unfamiliar one. One where I don’t take shit from anybody (even though I still didn’t before- I might as well continue to not make sense). By no means do I regret anything I did, or was it even a bad year.

It was probably the best year of my life yet. Not bad, just strange. Life is one big ever changing creative process, and we have to learn to roll with the punches and take the good out of the bad. I may not be proud of everything I’ve done and who I’ve been at moments, but I am always proud that I have the courage to pull myself our of those times, and that I am always growing. We are all hypocrites sometimes, and we all need to learn that that’s perfectly fine.