6 Delicious Male Hook-Up Moves

Having sex is always fun, unless it’s not fun. In which case: take a couple more swigs and turn off the lights. Of course, now and then you might land a dude who thinks a couple missionary pumps constitutes a mind-blowing bang, but the biggest perk about males is their proximal affinity to canines: both species are immensely trainable. All you need is a leather whip and treats.

The following is a list I thought up (entirely on my own) of fun tricks to impart to your pooch, I mean, partner, the next time your sex sweat starts to smell a little vanilla.

  1. Suck on your appendages: Nipples are hot little horny buttons but sometimes a grown man suckling on your teats can be disconcerting. Is he thinking about his mother…does your father do this to your mother…while thinking about your grandmother…AHHH! The best way to halt these Oedipal thought trails: get him to nibble on your fingers or toes instead. Research has proven that the areas in your brain that process the sensations from your clit and your tootsies are right next to each other. It’s science, ya’ll. Plus it looks fucking hot.
  2. Suck on his appendages: When the hour of sexytime strikes, you’re unbuttoning his pants and he’s already squirming into position. But let’s say you’ve been dancing all night. Or you’ve noticed he has dandruff and are afraid the carpet matches the wallpaper (or whatever). Do not fear! You will not have to give the dreaded no-breathing-beej. Start giving descending kisses down his torso, towards his pelvis and then BYPASS THE GROIN BY CONTINUING DOWN TO HIS TOES. Guaran-fucking-teed he will be so surprised and turned on by your nastiness that he’ll blow his load before you even have to lick a cuticle.
  3. Spit on everything: Newsflash—spit makes everything more fun. You ever try to give someone a wet willie without lubing up first? They think you’re trying to scrape off their inner canal’s earwax and it’s major awkwardsville. Next time you’re on top and he’s giving you that dewy-eyed “Oh my god you’re so sexy” look, drop a major phooey in his face. This demonstration of your ferocious womanhood = climax for him and major LULZ for you.
  4. Rapid finger banging: I hate it when dudes put heir pinky up there and expect you to be like ‘Oooh I love it when worms slip into my vagina!’ No such thing as too hard or too fast.
  5. Having sex with my face: This one is a little tricky because of asphyxiation issues, but easy once you find a position that will allow maximum throat penetration (hit me up on Twitter for a diagram). As a bonus, you won’t even have to use your gross, oily makeup remover to wipe off your mascara at the end of the night!
  6. Calling him Daddy: Familiarity with Freudian psychoanalysis is just the start. Jungian archetypes and Lacan’s jouissance are also great resources for dirty talk. Id feels so good to be a freak. TC mark
image – Shellaine Godbold

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  • Anonymous

    Elle a chaud au cul. Pas mal.

    • http://twitter.com/NIKO93 Alex Nikolov

      I read your comment and could only think of Duchamp’s L.H.O.O.Q. School-level french ftw.

      • Oliver Miller

        She’s got a sweet ass.

  • ???

    This article is completely contradictory to Tessah Schoenrock’s article posted yesterday, now i don’t knot who to believe…trial and error, i suppose =)

    • confused.

      i feel like tessah’s is correct. and this is some sort of joke? right?

      • Tessah

        right

      • Bri

        I guess I don’t get the joke… I enjoyed Tessah’s article yesterday. It was quite on point. I don’t appreciate the plagiarism and it was time wasted the second time around in the reverse. Sorry Lhooq, that was lame.

      • Um..

        You’re aware that there’s a difference between satire and plagiarism, no? 

  • Sarah

    I like this. I like you.

  • Chase

    I was hoping for something better…

  • Queen_o_coca

    hahaha fav writer now

  • http://twitter.com/sodiumsepia Rick

    Zing. I like your style.

  • http://twitter.com/DColeArmstrong Cole

    Waiiiiit…. so him licking your nipples is too disconcerting because it is vaguely related to family, but calling him “daddy” is totally hot?

    Make up your mind!

  • Jessicahh

    “I hate it when dudes put heir pinky up there and expect you to be like ‘Oooh I love it when worms slip into my vagina!’”

    I think I just choked. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    word

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    There are no “Daddy”s in my bed. I’ve got enough daddy issues without him ruining sex too.

    • Sal

      thanks for sharing

    • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com/ Aja

      No Daddy issues, but I’ve just always thought this was such a creepy phrase to utter.  What guy likes to by called Daddy?  A weirdo! 

      • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

        I definitely would be creeped out by it. Also by a guy who asked me to dress like a kid (the schoolgirl thing is really pushing it into creepy territory).

  • Dddd

    ugh “michelle lhooq”

    cool you took freshman art survey, anything other pretentious crap we should know about you

    • Asdf

      Oh, it looks like Dddd is giving that “dewy-eyed ‘Oh my god, you’re so sexy’ look”. Now that I’ve read the article, I know what’s coming next!

  • holka

    their*

  • Kate

    like the antithesis of a cosmo article.
    awesome.

    • http://twitter.com/kelvin_lee Kelvin Lee

      seemed more like the thesis of a cosmo article.

  • http://twitter.com/snritchiee Sarah Ritchie

    I’m going to be really pissed off/disappointed if the next time I hook up, some guy skips my nipples and heads for my fingers… 

    • Asdf

      Literally pissed off? Because that sounds like the unspoken 7th delicious male hook-up move.

  • Smile

    Shit article. 

  • Ronald

    Find myself irresistibly attracted to the conceptual levity of this terrible lampoon. Makes me want to categorize the original article as pure humor as well. Good play.

  • dip

    literally groaned at the last line

    • anon

      as opposed to figuratively groaning?

  • Rirv

    So glad this was made. Love it hahaha.

  • http://ethecofem.com Báyron

    That was so dissapointing. Thought the title was “6 Delicious Male Hook-Up *Movies*” and that I was going to get blow-by-blow analysis of Gyllenhaal-on-Ledger action or equivalnet. I want my fucking money back.

    • Rishtopher

      Wait, you paid to read this article? 

      • Asdf

        Kind of. The device consuming the bandwidth, and/or the bandwidth itself typically cost people money. It is possible the person read it on a loaned device or a device acquired for free and is using over public wifi.

        But then you can factor in the fact that our society applies time to production, which intrinsically has a value. One way or another, either in a tangible or philosophical sense, it did cost the reader money.

        As they say, there is no free lunch — I guess death may be the only exception to that. Beyond that, though, “I want my money back” is used as slang for “I’m disappointed.”

  • http://twitter.com/aluminiyum Soraya

    baaaaaaaad article.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jamaicamalangmojica Jamaica Malang

    Hahaha brilliant! You guys, it’s a contradiction to this article: https://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/six-inappropriate-male-hook-up-moves/

    Yo welcome!

  • indi

    so, you’ve both been dancing all night and think his toes will taste better than his cock?  i dunno what world you live in but where i come from sweaty feet are probably worse.  either way, have a shower first. 

  • Rishtopher

    To be honest, sometimes I only read these articles because it’s a counter article to something else. I just find that entertaining.

  • Anonymous

    @FoxyLady:disqus ….

    • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

      WOW, THAT IS CRAZY, LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!

  • Michelle Lhooq

    I guess what I was trying to do with this is refute what i found to be a rather stuck-up, gendered attitude towards sex best found in mags like cosmo, that pretend that appropriate/inappropriate behavior in the sack can be dictated by what is in fact simply the sexual predilection of one (boring) person. no reason why you should feel ashamed or afraid to try something marginally kinky if you feel like it and your partner is willing. the bedroom is the best place for self-expression and experimentation. also i have a liberal arts degree and have no idea what the fuck to do with it except write pointless essays on TC.

    • http://twitter.com/g_kayy Glenn Kisela

      Showing the middle finger to Tessah’s article? Fair enough reason to do it, but in public? Kind of unprofessional no?

      • sefgc

        I think the better question here is… why did TC publish it?

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