Having sex is always fun, unless it’s not fun. In which case: take a couple more swigs and turn off the lights. Of course, now and then you might land a dude who thinks a couple missionary pumps constitutes a mind-blowing bang, but the biggest perk about males is their proximal affinity to canines: both species are immensely trainable. All you need is a leather whip and treats.
The following is a list I thought up (entirely on my own) of fun tricks to impart to your pooch, I mean, partner, the next time your sex sweat starts to smell a little vanilla.
- Suck on your appendages: Nipples are hot little horny buttons but sometimes a grown man suckling on your teats can be disconcerting. Is he thinking about his mother…does your father do this to your mother…while thinking about your grandmother…AHHH! The best way to halt these Oedipal thought trails: get him to nibble on your fingers or toes instead. Research has proven that the areas in your brain that process the sensations from your clit and your tootsies are right next to each other. It’s science, ya’ll. Plus it looks fucking hot.
- Suck on his appendages: When the hour of sexytime strikes, you’re unbuttoning his pants and he’s already squirming into position. But let’s say you’ve been dancing all night. Or you’ve noticed he has dandruff and are afraid the carpet matches the wallpaper (or whatever). Do not fear! You will not have to give the dreaded no-breathing-beej. Start giving descending kisses down his torso, towards his pelvis and then BYPASS THE GROIN BY CONTINUING DOWN TO HIS TOES. Guaran-fucking-teed he will be so surprised and turned on by your nastiness that he’ll blow his load before you even have to lick a cuticle.
- Spit on everything: Newsflash—spit makes everything more fun. You ever try to give someone a wet willie without lubing up first? They think you’re trying to scrape off their inner canal’s earwax and it’s major awkwardsville. Next time you’re on top and he’s giving you that dewy-eyed “Oh my god you’re so sexy” look, drop a major phooey in his face. This demonstration of your ferocious womanhood = climax for him and major LULZ for you.
- Rapid finger banging: I hate it when dudes put heir pinky up there and expect you to be like ‘Oooh I love it when worms slip into my vagina!’ No such thing as too hard or too fast.
- Having sex with my face: This one is a little tricky because of asphyxiation issues, but easy once you find a position that will allow maximum throat penetration (hit me up on Twitter for a diagram). As a bonus, you won’t even have to use your gross, oily makeup remover to wipe off your mascara at the end of the night!
- Calling him Daddy: Familiarity with Freudian psychoanalysis is just the start. Jungian archetypes and Lacan’s jouissance are also great resources for dirty talk. Id feels so good to be a freak.