With him I was timid and ashamed of myself. I was afraid to feel, afraid to reveal any emotion. From empty conversations to unanswered texts, he broke me in a way I’d never been broken before. I couldn’t look in the mirror without crying…I couldn’t smile without tears in my eyes. He crushed my soul, and the sad thing is, he didn’t know or care.
I’ll always remember his strong embrace, big shoulders, and bouldering legs. The way his body crushed mine and his hands caressed it. I will never forget the way his brown skin looked in contrast to my white body. The overwhelming locking of our lips. His touch. Our bodies together. The images and feelings are burned in my memory.
Then there was that day I went to the doctor. The look in her eyes was frightening; it was a look of pity and disappointment. She knew something was wrong right away. But I was in denial…There was no way, I was clean, I was an honors student, I was a good girl. But all of a sudden, I wasn’t. I was gross and dirty. I was a statistic. The thought of myself at that moment made me cringe.
Calling him was supposed to make me feel better, it was supposed to make us closer. Yes, I was that lost…I thought this sickness would make him want me. It made me want him more. For him, I was an annoyance and this was his escape. His carelessness ruined my soul, ruined me in a way I can never be ruined again.
For weeks I was lost in a dark world. Endless nights of tears, thoughts, and depression. I barely got out of bed, I barely ate, I barely kept myself together I public. I avoided going anywhere he would be, for fear of interaction because I knew to him I meant nothing…And to me, he meant everything. I couldn’t explain why to anyone, it was insane that I fell for him. I still couldn’t put into words why I felt this way about him. I was lost, broken, and had a deep hatred for men.
Then, I saw you. I mean, I had known you for a while, but for the first time I actually saw you. It was on my birthday, we were all at your house to celebrate. We were sitting on the couch and you were telling me a story, and then I saw you…I saw this gentle, compassionate man. The way your deep blue eyes sparkled while talking to me; you looked at me as if I was the only one in the room.
From there, I started to see a light in my darkness. Seeing your name pop up on my phone, text after text, without fail. Yet, I was still slightly empty from him, from a longing for him to want me. So one night, I gave in. I went to his place; I went to lose the pain. I wanted to numb the pain and loss of him. The next morning, I snuck out at the crack of dawn. When I left that morning, I left my pity, shame, and depression at his house.
I allowed myself to feel for you after that. I was able to engage in conversations and have confidence that you’d answer me. Yes, you made me happy by just texting me back. It was an unfamiliar feeling. It was comfort. You made me feel special, beautiful, and worthwhile…You made me feel wanted.
You didn’t know about any of this when you pursued me. You thought I was a happy girl, without a care in the world. You had no idea my heart was breaking and my soul collapsing. You were everything I needed, exactly when I needed it. You saved me, and I love you everyday for it.