I Am Not Your ‘Fat Friend’

I am not your fat friend. I am not the friend that you choose to go out with to boost your self-esteem. I am not the friend you compare yourself to when you are having a shit day. I am not the friend that you love walking into a room with because all eyes fall on you. I do not wear an invisibility cloak that deems me unworthy of love, that deems me ugly, that deems me not beautiful.

You told me it was inspirational that I believed in my body. Cute, almost quaint that despite my flaws, I still believed I was beautiful. That I was still confident. That somehow my confidence was miraculous, given my disastrous body. You said it was inspirational – at first. Then it got boring. Boring that I still talked about it, boring that I made it my life goal to make other women feel the same way, boring that I didn’t go back to shirking in the corner, boring that you could no longer be that friend to pick me off the floor when I cried about how much I hated my reflection.

I am a person, with feelings, and I was supposed to be your friend. Your best friend. Best friends don’t look down on their best friends. Best friends don’t speak about each other as if they are unworthy of love. They don’t explain away someone flirting with you as them having low standards. They don’t explain away someone’s interest in you because everyone else in the room was married.

I wish I could be a good friend to you, I wish I could tell you that I understand that all these malicious words were bred out of your insecurity. But I can’t. I can’t use your insecurity as an excuse any longer. I can’t ignore my self-esteem to build yours. I’m sorry that I can’t be that friend for you any longer, because we had some good times. Good times that are now tainted by cruel, vindictive, malicious words. I have enough. I choose me. I choose me like you chose you every time we walked into a room. I choose me like you chose you every time you stood alongside me and felt proud that you were the person who could overlook my appearance in order to be friends with me.

I now know the definition of true friendship and I wish I could say that I will keep our memories of being best friends. But I can’t. I have realized that people like you were never my friend. Better late than never.