1. Have a great sense of humor.
Be really quick, clever and hilarious. You should also be really outgoing and have an all-around great personality. Pretty much everyone will love you… And when no ONE loves you, it’s somewhat fulfilling that EVERYone loves you.
2. Be somewhat of a party animal.
Not like at the level of Lindsay Lohan or pre-domesticated Snooki, but definitely have a well-known social presence. You have to be fun as hell… or else you’re basically useless. It is also recommended that you be open minded to pretty much anything because you need to always have a great story from the weekend. If the opportunity for some free coke presents itself, don’t completely rule it out. If you’re curious, do it. Try things… the only person who you really have to answer to is yourself… no significant other to get mad at you for doing some key bumps in the bathroom at a club. But really, know your limits… don’t make a habit out of anything too dangerous. Then you’ll just be the wild, borderline alcoholic friend who may or may not have a drug problem.*
3. Be really focused on your career.
Have a job that people are impressed with and/or falls into the category of “cool”. Have really big dreams for your career. You’ll have a lot to talk about and people tend to focus more on that than the fact that you’re single. They also will be impressed by your motivation and drive. Basically make it known that you’re “way too busy trying to advance your career” to have time to date or be in a relationship.
4. Set up your friends.
Play matchmaker. You have nothing better to do so why not live vicariously through them? Realistically it’s the best way to meet somebody. It’s totally cool — you just care way more about the happiness of those around you. When you do make a shidach (re: Yiddish term for setting people up) you can then privately mourn the loss of the aforementioned friends and cry to yourself wondering why someone hasn’t been able to play match maker for you. YOU’RE A GREAT CATCH, DAMN IT.
5. Be very comfortable hanging out with couples.
Or else you’ll never see them. Ever.
6. Become VERY good at listening to relationship problems.
Basically become the go-to person for them when they need relationship advice even if realistically you have zero experience in that specific area… You can fake it, don’t worry.
7. Become a gym rat.
This is highly recommended. Once you get over the fact that you hate working out you might actually convince yourself that you enjoy it. Improving your health and physical appearance can really be great for those of us who walk the earth alone. Just keep in mind that you’re not going to meet anyone at the gym.
8. Have really high standards.
Convince everyone that if you really wanted to be in a relationship, you would be in one. It’s just that you have ridiculously high standards that nobody can actually meet. It’s definitely not you… It’s everyone else.
9. Have a lot of different groups of friends
Rotate. Be a guest star on weekends. Your “best friend” is either in a relationship or you guys have grown apart enough that you’re really not actually best friends anymore. Since you’re so awesome everyone naturally wants to hang out with you, so you’ll have plenty of options to choose from when planning your weekend. Sometimes this gets difficult as you will then have to choose between plans. Such a hard life… I know. Chances are there will be a handful who are coupled out all over the place, and a handful of single people so you’ll have a plethora of people to work with. Just remember that there will be weekends where you will have A LOT of options and then there will be weekends where you have absolutely nothing to do. Don’t let that get to you though.
10. Don’t be bitter – love being single.
NO ONE wants to hear someone whine about being all alone, especially when they’re happily in love. When they’re happily in love they don’t give a fuck about your singledom and never really will.