So, you’ve found yourself in the tangled web that is the modern dating world? Hello, text messages with no reply, late night phone calls or the agonizing never-ending game of cat and mouse. In an effort to reduce your desire to play in oncoming traffic, allow me to help you realize if you are in fact infatuated with yet another unavailable man. If you find that you relate to more than five of the following scenarios, it might be time to throw in the towel with the person putting you through this slow hell. I write this with love, because I have had no choice but to face the music in my own dating life. What you are about to read may seem harsh, but you know what they say: the truth hurts.
1. He has no real intent with you. When someone has no real intent of dating you, it will seem as though your questions are never really answered. If you dare to ask where things are going, chances are you will find yourself in a cloud of confusion fit for a modern dater. Keep in mind that an unavailable man will typically avoid coming out and saying he’s just not that into you. He’ll dodge the question, or tell you he isn’t sure what he wants. Maybe he doesn’t want to break your heart or maybe he isn’t ready to lose you all together, but either way you are left with the mind-numbing task of deciding if things could turn into something between the two of you. Good luck with that!
2. Communication only happens on the weekends. You only talk when it’s time to make plans for the weekend… unless he throws you a “like” on social media. We’ve all been there, using social media as a gauge to measure just how interested someone actually is. An Instagram “like” is nothing more than a weak attempt at flirting. It’s a click of a mouse, people. If social media activity is the only glimmer of hope you have with a person- snap out of it! I don’t care if he likes every photo you post or watches your Snapchat story the second it hits his feed, these things are just false hope of a relationship to come. When someone cares, they will do whatever it takes to make sure you know that. If a guy doesn’t care how your day went, chances are he has no plans of becoming your boyfriend.
3. He flat out tells you he’s not ready for anything serious. Why do we always think we can change someone’s mind? A guy is coming right out and saying he isn’t ready to commit, yet we think we can somehow change his mind. Ask yourself this question: even if you could change his mind, do you really want to have to convince someone to care about you? It sounds harsh, and that’s because it is harsh. The bottom line is you should never have to tell someone how great you are, the right person would have figured that out on their own. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times, when someone shows you who they are (or in this case, how they feel) LISTEN!
4. He puts zero effort into seeing you. Do you find yourself only meeting up when it’s convenient for him? A selfish person is often an unavailable person. If you launch like a crazy person every time you get a half ass invite to see this guy, you have no one to blame but yourself. Stop being so available! Like it or not, we are the ones setting the tone for what types of behavior is acceptable from others. If you allow someone to treat you like you’re second fiddle, you will always be the back burner girl. The back burner girl is the girl left on hold, only to be contacted when better options fall through. You know you’re his second option if you only get late night weekend texts. Don’t kid yourself- there is absolutely nothing sweet about a late night text from the man of your dreams. It just means he wants something- and it’s not your heart.
5. He teases you about your flaws. This one took me a little longer to learn: a polite bully is still a bully. You might think teasing is just playful flirting, but you could be wrong. There is a slim chance that the person cutting you down is somehow going to morph into your biggest fan. Sometimes when a guy points out your flaws (i.e. you’re so high maintenance or you’re bossy) he could be trying to tell you in a subtle way that he’s just not that into you. Before you go changing who you are, remember that your flaws aren’t always bad, they just don’t appeal to everyone. I mean, Beyonce is high maintenance and bossy, but we still think she’s a queen.
6. He only says what you want to hear when he’s drunk. We all have high hopes of getting sweet nothings from our crush, but dating in this age often leaves us with drunk nothings. If alcohol is your only friend in the relationship, you’ve got problems. Attention and affection are things that should be present at all times, not just after six shots of tequila. They say the truth comes out when you’re drunk. This may be true, but drunk affection doesn’t make up for bad behavior. When a guy is truly interested, you will know it. Even the types of guys that never commit will make every last effort to show interest when they meet the girl that really attracts them. You may not be the girl of his dreams, and that’s ok. That doesn’t mean you aren’t someone else’s dream girl.
7. You always send the first text. Is it acceptable to send the first text? Yes. Is it acceptable to always text first? NO! Have you ever sat around with friends looking for their reassurance about an unavailable guy? I have more times than I’d like to admit. Girls have a way of rationalizing the most telling signs of an uninterested man. We can always come up with a reasonable explanation of why he isn’t texting. Believe me, I’ve made excuses with the best of them. I hate to break it to you, pretty girl, but if you have to ask yourself if he’s thinking about you- chances are he’s not thinking about you.
8. He’s never taken you on an actual date. Buying you drinks at a bar is not a date. Real dates require effort, picking up a tab at a bar does not. A simple way to ask yourself where you stand with someone is to question their intent. If a guy intends to get to know you, he will put forth the effort to plan a real date. If he is hoping to take you home, his intent will most likely be to impress you by buying your drinks at a scrubby bar. Actions and effort speak louder than words, my friends.
9. You feel like you’re trying too hard. The single best piece of advice a friend has ever given me is that it should be easy. It seems so simple, and that’s because it should be simple. The beginning phases of the relationship should be the easiest. Deciding if someone is worth committing to comes naturally without question when you’re with the right one. As you progress and date long term, real issues will come about. So, if you are struggling in the beginning stages of a relationship, how can you expect things to go when your hit with a real problem? Deep down we all know the answers to our own questions, we just might not be ready to listen to our gut. The fact is, if someone is interested, you will know it. If someone is half-interested, you will also know it. The question is: will you take your blinders off and admit it?