Abandon all hope, ye introverts who enter here… – Dante, kind of
Circle 1: Networking
In this circle the introvert souls writhe and groan as they are forced to shake hands, drink coffee out of urns, and listen to people talk about being disruptors.
They howl in wretchedness and engage in small talk while dressed in smart casual attire.
Circle 2: Garrulous People
Here the introvert souls are trapped in an everlasting fire with a taxi driver, dentist, or massage therapist who talks non-stop.
Unable to escape the scorching verbal flames, the introvert souls are ceaselessly required to answer questions about where they live or what they do or what they think about random bland topics.
Circle 3: Organised Activities
Circle 3 is where the introvert souls are tortured in a seething underworld of group activities.
Their strength is pushed to the very limits of endurance as they engage en masse in games, ice breakers, trust exercises, and other ordeals of group damnation.
Circle 4: Group Projects
Here the tormented introvert souls are condemned to complete tasks with other people, despite being willing to do all the work themselves in exchange for being allowed to work alone.
Fallen angels, heretics, and bossy loudmouths dominate every discussion while contributing no actual work. The sullen ones gurgle beneath the waters. And also contribute no actual work.
Circle 5: People Who Can’t Or Won’t Read Cues
In circle 5 the introvert souls are trapped in a nightmare world where people refuse to acknowledge the universal signals of Please leave me alone.
These wicked torturers ignore obvious earbuds, open books, dark sunglasses, closed body language, avoided eye contact. Instead, they firmly tap shoulders, smile and wave jovially in faces, and obliviously talk and talk and talk at the squirming and twisting introvert souls. The introvert souls are hurled about in this violent storm with no hope of rest.
Circle 6: Crowded Shopping Centres
In this foul swamp introvert souls must wander from level to level of the abyss, jostled endlessly by people with no sense of personal space.
Here is found a bottomless pit of sales and seasonal clearances, where things lacking appeal at full price are hurled at the avaricious and the prodigal, who screech and grasp and surrender all dignity in exchange for discounted items they do not need and have no room for. Also called limbo.
Circle 7: Having To Answer The Phone
In this nether world the miserable introvert souls are encased in flaming tombs, also known as automatically-answered telephone headsets.
Without hope of peace, the accursed introverts wander amid the thieves, liars, cheats, sorcerers, false prophets, and those who post too many selfies, forever blown about by vile winds and unavoidable telephone calls.
Circle 8: Unnecessary Space Invaders
The introvert souls in circle 8 are condemned for all eternity to be in uncrowded places yet have noisy, vexatious persons disregard the many available seats and sit very close by.
In this pit of perdition the noisy ones talk loudly, ignorantly, and incessantly. Their ignored children thrash about and scream in hellish agony, for absolutely no reason at all.
Circle 9: Satan’s Personal Pad
Here is the lowest and most terrifying level, the grim depths of hell, dominated by the salivating, ever-devouring mouths of Satan.
Also known as Ikea.