You’re both stuck in a rut, aren’t you? You come home, eat something vaguely nutritious, plop down on the couch in old, not-quite-clean sweats, and binge on Netflix before passing out on the couch. Where’s he? Right next to you, of course.
You’re more like roommates these days. Okay, so maybe there’s some sex but it’s the same old thing you’ve been doing for years. Same time, same position, same few “oh yeah, that’s it” and “did you get off, too?” Bor-RING!
I get it. Really, I do. Back in the day, one husband ago, we only had sex on Saturday nights, around 9 o’clock. I put down my book, he pulled down the covers, and bam, there you go.
No, we’re not married anymore – not just because of the sex, but that was a big part of it. You don’t have to become symbolic roommates randomly bumping up against each other at night. There are plenty of things you can do to get that spark back, to feel as lusty and ready to go as you did in the beginning – you know, when you tried harder and actually cared if you had wine stains on your yoga pants.
Sounds pretty basic, doesn’t it? Intimacy isn’t just about the bump and grind between the sheets. It happens when you share the smallest details about your day. It builds when you share the biggest ideas in your mind.
The more you talk about the mundane things in your life, the easier it becomes to talk about everything else – including your needs and desires.
Start small with a chat about your day over dinner. Do it every day. Make it a priority. Once you start communicating, you’ll find it’s easier to keep going.
2. Small things matter
Remember when you looked for reasons to touch each other? Think back to the days when you couldn’t keep your eyes off of him. You need to get back to that place.
Hold his hand in a store. Lean against him while you watch a movie. Find reasons to touch each other – and no, I don’t mean just sexually, but don’t be surprised if that doesn’t follow.
The easiest way to let someone know you want them is to get close to them. Okay, so you might fall asleep snuggling on the couch, but at least you’re doing it together.
3. Say nice things to one another.
Show you’re paying attention to each other. The longer you’re with someone, the easier it is to take them for granted. There’s nothing wrong with thanking each other for the small day-to-day things.
Yes, it’s his job to clean the kitchen when you cook, but commenting on it shows your appreciation. When he tells you he likes your dress or your hair, don’t demure. First of all, high-five that he noticed. Second, take the compliment gracefully. Those nice, warm fuzzy feelings you’re building now make for some nice, warm feelings when you’re naked, too.
4. Schedule your time together.
I’m not talking about the kind of schedule that helped kill my marriage – I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. This is about picking a time when you’re both available and doing something with that time. It sounds boring but it works. We make time for the things we value.
Make a date night. Schedule sex if it’s been a while – no, not in the boring, rote way of knowing exactly what time and in exactly what position. Make your time together a priority. It’s simply another way to show each other that you matter.
Keep your time together sacred – even if that time is binge-watching The Walking Dead together. Know that this moment is for the two of you. Sure, it would be nice if you wound up in a hot, sweaty mess on the bed. The point is to create intimacy together so there’s room for more romance and lust in your life.
5. Foreplay begins hours before sex.
Anyone who believes foreplay has to start once your clothes come off hasn’t been having the right kind of foreplay. The build up should start much earlier in day. Hell, it should be an ongoing thing, but let’s start small and simple.
A soft kiss on the neck while he’s getting ready for work, a hand on your waist while you’re brushing your hair, a simple caress on your hand, thigh, or arm as you walk by – none of it is overtly sexual, but when it happens at the right moment, it’s electrifying. Find excuses to touch or kiss one another before you head off to the bedroom, and you might be in danger of melting the sheets once you get there.
Best of all, the more foreplay you have, the longer sex lasts and the bigger the orgasms. If that’s not a reason for longer, better foreplay, I don’t know what is.
6. Meet again for the first time.
It sounds crazy, I know, but try it. Pick each other up at a bar, go on a “blind” date – yes, it’s a form of role play but one that doesn’t require sexy costumes (unless you’re into that sort of thing).
Introduce yourself to him. Let him buy you a drink. Just the anticipation alone, knowing you’re playing a game and everyone else is clueless might amp up your desire and help you move along to the next step.
Hopefully, you won’t have a Claire and Phil moment but even then, you’ve made a memory.
7. Sext each other.
This one could be classified as early foreplay but sexting doesn’t have to lead to sex, either. It’s a good way to share your desire, even when you’re doing mundane things during the day. Before you freak out that I’m suggesting you send naked pictures of yourself, start small with little things like “I want you” or “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
If you’re feeling brave, put into words exactly what you want to do him or what you want done to you. When you want to get really bold, send a dirty picture or two.
Pro tip: warn each other first so you don’t show off London and France in a department meeting. No one you work with needs to see that much of either of you.
8. Create a sexual bucket list.
This is the time to go a little wild and crazy. List the things that you’ve secretly thought about but were too afraid to try. What can be on the list? Anything.
Pick a sexual position you’ve heard about. List a few toys – vibrators, dildos, handcuffs – you’ve heard about. Add a destination to the list – nudist colony, sex club, you name it. Get creative and ignore your normal inhibitions.
It’s just a list. You don’t have to show to anyone else, and there’s no rule you have to do everything on the list. Start small and add to your list as you get more comfortable with your wild side.
9. Watch porn together.
Porn gets a bad rap. Yes, people become addicted to porn. Yes, it can tear couples apart when that addiction becomes more important your relationship. Yes, there’s some porn that’s just uncomfortable to watch and so unrealistic it’s almost scary.
There’s more than hardcore porn to choose from in the world.
More women are making porn, putting a decidedly different spin on things. Hell, it’s okay to admit you like the hardcore stuff, too.
The point of watching it together isn’t to make anyone feel bad or use it as a template for what you expect to do together. It’s simply a way of sharing intimacy in another way. Watch what turns you on and then get down and dirty in your own way.
10. Watch each other masturbate.
Masturbation isn’t just for lonely men living in their mother’s basements, or newly single women who name their vibrators (although, there’s nothing wrong with naming your toy. Just sayin’.) It’s hot and you learn something about your partner when you do it together.
You’re teaching each other what works for you. You’re sharing an extremely intimate and private moment. And you’re learning new skills.
See how he holds himself? Try that next time and get him to make that little groan you like so much. Show him exactly how to get you off and you’ll find there’s no need to fake another orgasm.
Masturbation doesn’t just benefit your sex life, it’s good for your health, too.
11. Try a toy together.
Just like masturbation, there’s no rule that says you can only use sex toys when you’re alone. And no, sex toys aren’t replacements for your partner. If that’s what you’re using it for, you have bigger issues to deal with.
Pull out your old stash or make a date to shop online (opens in a new window) or in a store together to buy something new. Choose a toy that intrigues you both, and play together, making it a very adult playdate.
Toys create different sensations than your hands, mouth, or other parts ever will. When used as an accessory to your sexual moments, you enhance the experience.
Before you start admitting your deepest, darkest desires, let’s assume you’ve built up some basic trust and intimacy. You’ve had a bit of good sex, and now you want to take it to a new level. Now it’s time to experiment with something new.
A word of warning and a rule: keep an open mind. You don’t have to like an idea or be interested in what’s being proposed to respect your partner’s desire for it. Make your bedroom a judgment free zone. Now that we’ve cleared that up, the rest is easy.
Name a kink, a game, role play, something you saw in the porn you watched together, or in one of your steamy books hidden on your Kindle. If he’s game, try it!
The worst that might happen is you decide it’s not your thing at all. The best is that you might have your eyes opened to a whole new world of sexual fun together.
Depending on where you’re at in your relationship and just how bad the routine has become, you’ll either need to start small and rebuild your intimacy or you can jump right in and tell him you want to tie him up and smack his ass. But the first thing you have to do is be honest about what’s going on, what you really want, and what you need to do in order to bring back the spice and sizzle to your relationship.
The first step is always communication. It might be difficult at first, but keep your eyes on the prize and stay focused. The end result is a stronger relationship, warm and fuzzy intimacy, and hopefully, steamy hot sex that makes people wonder if they should call the cops.