1. “I love you” on the first bite
Let’s face it, we’ve all been here. Embracing a fresh croissant from the oven for the first time in what feels like ages, its flaky texture and delectable smell all at once awakening dormant emotions you swore you’d never feel again. In the moment, it can be oh so tempting to just tell a hot croissant that you’re in love with its alluring flavor on the very first bite. But Justin Bieber should think twice before doing this, because what is even left to say for the remainder of the brief meal after such a crazy, premature explosion of emotion? Not to mention it would make everyone involved cripplingly self-conscious. Boy did I learn that the hard way during this one extremely embarrassing breakfast back in college.
2. “You remind me of my ex-croissant…”
This statement could mean just about anything; he could be comparing the croissant to a fling or an exclusive long-term relationship previously had with another croissant some other morning. Believe me, a nice pastry does NOT want to hear Justin Bieber talk about memories of other airy French delicacies in the heat of the moment. I’m sure we can all agree how much of a turn off this sort of tactless commentary is. And it definitely does not belong in the café.
3. “I’ll text you later…”
…but then he doesn’t. Justin Bieber should never lie to his yeasty boo and say that he’ll follow up when he most likely won’t. Even if totally unintentional — he may not even be able to get a signal, since there is probably little to no cell service inside the stomach of Justin Bieber. Please spare the croissant the immense pain of staring at a cell phone, enduring the relatively slow digestion process… endlessly waiting for that magic moment of digital bliss only to finally see the screen light up and disappointedly discover that it’s just the baker from the patisserie wondering if the croissant’s been sold to a hungry commuter or tourist yet. Talk about one major letdown after another occurring while various enzymes break down and convert the molecules of the croissant into useful Bieber energy.
4. “I’ll write a song about you!”
One of the simultaneously greatest and downright awful parts about being an alternative croissant is that there will come a time when it inevitably falls for a cute, thoughtful and talented musician like Bieber. And he, knowing full well how to use his creative charm to hook any food in the pyramid he wants, will probably want to make a croissant feel special by saying something like, “Sure thing, on-the-go meal, I’ll write a lil’ song about ya.” The thing is, we’ve heard this pathetic line time and time again. In truth, these promises are usually empty and will likely never happen since ‘croissant’ is difficult to rhyme with and his record company would NEVER try to develop a song about a francophone bread roll past a very early demo phase.
So Bieber, save the cheese for another croissant… and can you make it cream cheese slathered all over a warm, freshly baked croissant? Unbelievably tasty.