Okay, so you haven’t had “the talk,” but you’re definitely dating. You see each other a few times a week, with emails and calls and texts between (all mostly from you, but whatever), and nobody would deny that you are one hundred percent, certifiably dating. Nobody other than Lexi, I mean, but screw her, honestly, she’s less of a friend than a frenemy, at this point, and everybody knows it.
Now there are a lot of hard things about dating, but the hardest thing to tell is just like, shit. Is he a killer robot?
Well, I hate to break it to you, ladies, but there’s a very good chance that he is. Here are the signs:
1. He hates, hates, hates public displays of affection.
The other night you tried to hold his hand while walking down Polk Street, a little drunk like, “Heyyyy, universe, look at my man,” and he pulled back.
“What’s wrong?” you asked.
“Nothing,” he said, “I just don’t like that kind of stuff.”
“Like what kind of stuff? Touching me?” you asked.
“No, it’s not that. I’m sorry, here, give me your hand.”
“I’M NOT GIVING YOU MY HAND UNLESS YOU REALLY WANT MY HAND!” you said.
He seemed uncomfortable and didn’t give you his hand after that but the truth is you were glad. Because what was that, even? What an insane response, right? And you wondered, then, could my boyfriend be a killer robot, literally?
There’s a chance. Killer robots don’t like to touch without purpose in general, like if he needed to pick you up or sex you or choke you to death with his bare hands. Those are all valid reasons, in a killer robot’s mind, to touch you. But just hands on hands in public? No way. Now, plenty of men don’t like pda. It isn’t just a killer robot thing. So there’s no reason to get really nervous just yet. But definitely keep it in mind as we move on.
2. He’s met all of your friends, but you haven’t met his.
Wait, so he’s met all of your girls (including Lexi (ugh)), but you haven’t met a single one of his boys? What about colleagues? Shit, assuming you haven’t met any brothers or sisters or like third cousins or anything either, then, huh?
Okay it’s not good but it’s not Terminator. Not yet. Like, yes, he could definitely be a killer robot. Killer robots hate introducing their significant others to their friends (all of whom are, generally, other killer robots). They usually find it difficult to conceal their true identity in groups. When together, killer robots like to drop the façade of flesh-and-blood emotional being and buzz at each other as they build out plans for global nuclear holocaust.
But also your boyfriend might just not be ready? He could be a little bit damaged from a past relationship or dating situation? Or just a little bit damaged from like being a human being with the capacity to love on planet earth? I don’t know. I’d say there’s maybe a 75% chance that he’s just a regular guy and you have nothing to worry about, at this point, and a 25% chance that your boyfriend is actually a literal killer robot planning to kill you.
3. He is the worst texter.
Oh shit. Really? Okay like how bad? Just not a lot of texting, or when he’s texting is it really not good?
If it’s ‘not a lot of texting,’ he’s probably a regular human guy who isn’t as into you as you are into him. The best thing you can do in a situation like this is completely stop texting him and start flirting with all of his friends. But since he hasn’t introduced you to any of his friends, you’ll have to start publicly flirting with people on Facebook and Twitter. In a day or two I’m sure he’ll be like ‘what happened to that girl?’ and check your feed. If he’s human, he’ll be totally jealous. If he’s a robot, though, he might also be totally jealous and then kill you. So exercise this tactic with caution.
The second option here, though, is ‘texting a decent amount but of low quality.’ If this is more what you’re going through with your boyfriend, it’s a little more likely he’s a robot. Robot’s just aren’t that funny. Humor is a pretty mystifying aspect of the human condition. There’s nothing really quantitative about it.
Why do we laugh?
It’s a question that we’ve considered for thousands of years, with no definite answer. I’m partial to Robert Heinlein’s great “because it hurts,” as forwarded in his seminal Stranger in a Strange Land, myself. But I digress.
If he is a fast-to-respond texter AND isn’t making much sense, your boyfriend just went from 25% maybe trying to kill you to a solid 30%.
Do you own a giant magnet cannon, by any chance?
Have you tried Walmart?
4. When you’re together, it’s like ONLY about sex.
This is a really bad sign. I know, I know, a lot of girls think that guys only care about sex, and that maybe, in a case like this, your man just thinks of you as a booty call or whatever.
Wait, she said… ? Oh of course Lexi said that.
Jesus, she is already the absolute worst, but now she’s giving you advice that could actually kill you. Listen, what do you think is more likely: is this guy just not that into you, or is physical love the only way that he feels comfortable navigating complex, emotional relationships because he lacks the cognitive ability to understand human feeling? Girl, this is classic killer robot shit. You’ve got to be careful here.
He’s good at sex too? Oh god. How good? Oh god, yeah, I mean the better he is the greater the chance he’s drawing on the data of all of the sex lessons that have ever been taught and providing you with like the perfect, robot orgasm. Just keep that in mind, okay?
5. He never asks how you’re feeling.
Oh no, yeah, this is a very, very robot-type thing to do. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you enough to wonder how you’re feeling, what you’re feeling, the feels you experience in the thick of all the confusing feels of others, the great, general, Human Feel. He simply doesn’t understand that human emotion is, like, a serious thing that should be acknowledged. As previously stated, killer robots don’t really ‘get’ humor, but they’re aware that it exists, and on a theoretical level they do comprehend the subject. Here, for example, they are able to direct their dry, robot ‘sense of humor’ to the idea of human emotion, at the abstract, and if they could have a LOL at its expense they would.
“I mean it has to be a joke, right?” — Robots, probably.
60% likely he’s a killer robot plotting to kill you, girl. Sorry.
6. He’s always “busy” with work.
Babe, it’s not work. Has he by any chance asked you for access to the highly-classified Colonial defense mainframe? Yeah, um, HI. He is planning on a global nuclear assault, in which he and all of his killer robot friends will destroy every major city on the planet, and then proceed to wipe humanity out of existence.
Why? It doesn’t matter why.
You think you love him? What are you talking about? He’s 75% chance a killer robot.
7. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings.
Because he doesn’t have them! HELLO. Thundershowers and 90% chance of Skynet tonight, honey. GET OUT OF THE EFFING HOUSE.