The difficulties we face in governing the United States of America are multi-faceted, and no ‘one size fits all’ solution will — who am I kidding? The answer to every single one of our problems is Daenerys Targaryen, the Stormborn, Child of Three, Daughter of Death, Beyoncé of Fire. Our Khaleesi, THE DRAGON QUEEN.
Darkhorse of 2016, she’ll sweep the election.
This is her platform:
Guns will be banned, but swords will be mandatory
This country will probably never agree on what to do with guns. Do we ban them, thus directly and permanently exacerbating a power imbalance between the unwashed masses and the government hacks who will then be, theoretically, in control of the entire nation’s arms? (No, we do not do this). But are we okay with selling paranoid schizophrenics AK-47s from Walmart? (No, we are not okay with this).
Fortunately, Daenerys operates of a style divorced from the prejudices of the average American mind, which is to say that this is, to her, less a question of what is right, and what is wrong, than it is a question of logic. “Arms or no arms” is a false choice. There is a third way.
In President Targaryen’s America, we will simply change the arms you have the right to bear.
You may think that President Targaryen does not have this power. Lol, okay. Go tell her that. I’ll wait over here.
Will people continue to die in a world with mandatory swords? I think so, yes. You may have noticed that people are, in general, quite dumb. But now imagine a world in which businessmen on the subway, soccer moms in SoCal, and grandmothers in Boca walk around with giant blades strapped to their backs. Imagine gang fights with katanas. Imagine bar fights with broadswords. And ask yourself this: if men in the world of President Targaryen should die, will they die in style?
‘Absolutely yes, yes, omg yes,’ is the answer you were looking for.
Corruption no longer exists because “DRACARYS”
Are you tired of wire fraud, conspiracy, extortion, racketeering, and money laundering from your elected officials? What about the use of political power to punish political opponents (wtf, New Jersey bridge scandal)? What about the use of political power to intimidate political opponents (wtf, IRS admission to inappropriately targeting conservatives)? Were you aware that senators can’t be convicted of insider trading? The laws, that they wrote, exempt them. I’m not sure if this is technically corruption, but it’s certainly bullshit, and if there’s one thing that Daenerys Targaryen does not appreciate, it’s bullshit. We’ll keep this one short.
In President Targaryen’s America, the punishment for ‘politics as usual’ is:
Actually, scratch that, we’re dissolving the entire government instead
As with the laws of physics, man has found certain social truths to be objective. For example, we can now be certain that politicians, a breed of people principally rewarded for their ability to manipulate large groups of other people, will be manipulative (surprise!) and sociopathic.
In President Targaryen’s America, there is no president.
Call her Queen, now, bow before her, and cuddle with her when she’s in a brooding, overly-pensive mood. The government will be dissolved. We no longer need senators. Congressmen can stay as emissaries to their districts but this ‘politician’ ridiculosity is OVER. Queen D commands it. And she will take what is hers with fire and blood. (It will be so, so good though just trust me okay.)
The truly in need will be assisted, the lazy will be destroyed
As Khaleesi, Daenerys learned that many people are simply not in a position to help themselves from the powerful. That is a horrible injustice, and Daenerys has a rich history of battling such injustice. I urge you to recall Mirri Maz Duur, the old, weak woman who could never have fended off her rapist were it not for the intervention of Daenerys (Mirri later turned Daenerys’ husband into a vegetable and killed her unborn child, crimes for which she was burned alive, but we digress). Later, in the city of Astapor on the coast of Slaver’s Bay, Daenerys freed an entire city in the most FIERCE way possible, you may recall: “Unsullied! Slay the masters, slay the soldiers, slay every man who holds a whip, but harm no child. Strike the chains off every slave you see!”
In Queen Targaryen’s America, the United States of Daenerys, those who need help will receive it.
But there ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, and if you can work, you will work. Do you know how much raw meat it takes to sate a growing dragon?
Grab a plow. We have shit to do.
People can just come here, now, as long as they’re cool
Do you love this country? Forget that I just asked you that question. Do you love Daenerys Targaryen? Yes, good. Will you work hard to make the United States of Daenerys a better place to live? Yes, great. Are you planning on blowing anything up while you’re here? No, excellent. You passed the test.
In Queen Targaryen’s America, you can come if you are a good person who plans on working hard and not being a mass murder.
That’s actually it on this one! Queen D loves newbies.
Foreign policy-wise, no one is ever fucking with us again
You may have been paying attention recently when Vladamir Putin invaded a sovereign nation, sawed a chunk of it off, and turned it into Russia. Then, you may have been preoccupied with a shiny object of some kind. I don’t know, this is America, after all (I love you babes, but let’s be real about our attention span concerning legitimately important geopolitical happenings). The abridged version was basically:
Barack Obama: Don’t do it, Vladamir!
Then, Vladamir did it.
Barack Obama: That was so mean of you, Vladamir!
What has kept massive, civil rights-uncaring, scary monster countries with nuclear weapons like Russia and China in check, historically, has been either an incredibly strong, American president, who has been respected, or an incredibly stupid, American president, who has been feared. George W. Bush, for example, loved blowing shit up. Were any aggressive, massive power to threaten a sovereign nation’s sovereignty on his watch, or us, heaven forbid, they would have to have asked themselves a question:
“Is this man dumb enough to use nuclear weapons, though?”
And he was.
In Queen Targaryen’s America, we will be feared once more.
But Daenerys is not frightening for her stupidity. No, Queen Targaryen will strike fear into the hearts of what are basically dictators posing as democratically elected warmongers around the world for her cunning, her ruthlessness, and, well, let’s just get into it: she has three giant, seemingly-invincible dragons and oh by the way, SHE IS IMPERVIOUS TO FIRE.
Hello, you guys, she is a hot goddess. How are you still undecided?
She will sit on the Iron Throne… er… in the Oval Office, one way or another. So I urge you to consider your choices carefully this next election cycle, to listen to your conscience of course! And then to choose Daenerys Targaryen for President / Queen of the United States of America.
Or else. :)