When I am Your Communist Dictator, You Will Have Pinkberry And You Will Have Laser Tag


Fresh off the internet for the new year, Rolling Stone published “#FULLCOMMUNIST” Jesse Myerson’s ‘Five Economic Reforms Millennials Should Be Fighting For.’ And it was really good, you guys! It didn’t make a mockery of our entire generation at all. Jesse said that we should have guaranteed work for everybody, for example, which totally makes sense and is true because duh, think about it. If everyone had a job, then there would be no unemployment! And that is like, a really good thing I think. But also never mind no jobs at all, jobs are stupid; we don’t even like jobs, so actually nobody should have to have a job (3D printers solve this entire problem, apparently, which is a scientific fact because a friend of mine told me that he read it on WIRED). No landlords while we’re at it because ew, paying rent is annoying, and landlords are evil automatically because I don’t like paying rent, and also, henceforth while we’re at it: everything is now owned by everybody.

And I mean, Jesse is RIGHT. Okay? The economy is pretty shitty, and I definitely, definitely think we need a communist revolution as well. Since you need a dictator to facilitate the transition of an entire nation from capitalism to communism, and since I don’t feel comfortable with the concept of dictatorship unless I am the dictator, I will be the dictator. But don’t worry, I’m very responsible and I definitely will not mass murder entire classes of people (though, come on, rich people, you know you deserve it lol). My first order of business is enacting all of Jesse’s suggestions. But then after that? Oh boy! Here’s what I’m thinking:

You are all sexy now

Congratulations, bitches, you don’t have to go the gym, and you can eat chicken nuggets every day. Or, you can eat chicken nuggets every day until our farming industry collapses because we just told 300 million people that they don’t have to work if they don’t want to and, surprise, a lot of people really don’t want to (does anybody know if you can 3D print a chicken?). You now have the perfect body, no matter what you do to it. I’ve been dictator for thirty-six seconds and you’re already smoking hot. What’s Obama done for you lately?

You might be wondering how you’re smoking hot, now, no matter what. Is this a magic science-type thing? Is this a magic God-type thing? Well, it’s definitely not God, lol, this is Communist America and he’s illegal now. But it’s not a magic science-type thing either! The solution was more simple than we ever imagined. All we had to do was change the definition of what hot was to include literally everybody. I hope you’re ready to see Bill O’Reilly in a speedo on the cover of Vogue, because he’s pretty now, too, by definition — my definition, which is the only legal definition. And so it therefore must be true.

I recognize that dating in our post-average world may still be a little tricky while people adjust to the new standards of hotness, so, from now on, if someone asks you out on a date you have to say yes. Whoa! Chilllll! Lol, you don’t have to marry that person.

(But you do have to fool around with him if he very nicely asks you (that’s just the fair thing to do)).

Pinkberry on every corner (before dinner, if we want it)

When the original piece on #FULLCOMMUNISM went up, there was a lot of harsh criticism along the lines of “give me a pony, wahhh” that I guess implied that communism is childish? The thinking seemed roughly: grown or manufactured resources don’t spring from the earth fully formed, but are, you know, grown or manufactured by a great many people operating within logical economic frameworks that encourage production with capitalist incentive, in which goods and services are traded through an exchange rooted in mutual consent (in other words, we all get something we want in exchange for something we want a little less). But nobody is asking for a pony, idiots. GOD. It’s like you didn’t even attend a small, expensive liberal arts college in the middle of nowhere and talk about Karl Marx from the safety of your rich person fortress of white people. But we DO need to eat, which brings me to frozen yogurt.

Pinkberry is very good. I would eat Pinkberry every day if given the opportunity. But there aren’t enough Pinkberries to make this sort of thing realistic. In San Francisco, for example, there’s one Pinkberry in the airport and one Pinkberry downtown, which is just completely insane. This is why we’re going to build 1,000,000 new Pinkberries this year (roughly 1 for every 300 Americans), which will provide us with 1) a lot of jobs (that you don’t have to take if you don’t want to (but actually you do, sorry not sorry)) and 2) nutrition (sort of). Where is the money coming from to build these Pinkberries? Where is the dairy coming from? And are people really expected to subsist on a diet primarily of frozen yogurt? The answers to your questions are: everyone owns everything, now, so money is irrelevant!, the farmers will give us the dairy for the good of the people!, and yes, you are expected to subsist on a diet primarily of frozen yogurt. But think about how edge that is! You can eat it whenever you want, and Pinkberry is great. People love Pinkberry. You love Pinkberry, too. It’s the law, after all.

You may be wondering how we can take land from farmers and claim it as our own (not mine, but yours — all of ours!), which is not to say morally (is it right to do this?), but practically. How do we intend to do this peacefully? Well, first we’ll just ask, and I honestly can’t imagine a world in which someone WOULDN’T, given the opportunity, give up everything he owns in the name of fairness. But then yeah, we’ll take your shit if you don’t give it to us, and we’ll be as violent as we have to. Because greater good!

Oh, but this is where it gets complicated. See, assembling a mob to hijack a person’s entire life is the same thing, really, as defending yourself from the mob. Morally, these things — insane acts of aggression and self-defense — are totally equivalent. Are you telling me that you’d try and stop me from stealing your house? I’m trying to help poor people, dude. Don’t be such a fucking asshole.
Anyways, yogurt! Weeeeeee!

You will be happy

We’ve covered ‘being sexy’ and ‘dessert,’ which are the most important things, and now a lot of you are probably wondering about education, healthcare, housing, and, I don’t know, transportation maybe? I mean, all of that stuff is just free now. Why are we still talking about it? People will continue to produce goods for other people because people own everything and everyone belongs to everyone and obviously this will all just work. Everyone will receive perfect scores in class; everyone will have access to the best medical care on the planet, which we will have an abundance of because all of our medical students will be getting the highest marks in the world, which proves that they’re smart and capable; everyone will reside in ocean front property, in mansions or giant tree fort mansions or on beautiful Hawaiin islands or floating cloud castles; and we will all drive hovercrafts that ‘technology’ will just, like, spit out into the world as if Botticelli’s Venus from a giant clam. The most important thing, more important than dessert even, is happiness (which, I know, dessert is sort of the physical incarnation of, but there’s the intangible piece too so hear me out).

What good is a world where everyone has access to everything, including other people, if we aren’t happy? Imagine yourself sitting in the living room of your floating cloud castle with your model girlfriend or boyfriend (not wife or husband, you guys, chillllll, lol), with your Pinkberry, with your Tesla hovercraft parked outside, and you’re just kind of, like, “blah” or whatever.

This is why laser tag is so important. Growing up, I really liked laser tag. I secured student class presidency in seventh grade by promising my constituents a laser tag club, even, and I delivered. They had to pay $40 a piece for 10 weeks because UGH, capitalism, but now they won’t have to pay for anything. And by they I mean you — every single person in the Peoples States of America — who will be forced to play laser tag once daily at 4PM. Happiness is too important to leave to the randomness of personal choice. This is why my government intends to choose happiness for you, and nothing is so happy as laser tag. Think of the incredible games we’ll have once EVERYONE is on the platform. It’s like Obamacare in that way; it really doesn’t work unless we all participate, and so you have to participate because I know what’s good for you.

Why? I don’t know, dude, I’m smart. What, you want like a resume for my dictatorship? Lol, no. This is communism.

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