Good Evening, Internet, We’re About To Bomb Another Country

usa

Hey, guys! How was your Labor Day? Was it so good? I had such a good time at a barbecue at my friend’s house! Labor Day is the best, except it’s kind of sad I guess because summer’s over now. Oh well, it will be summer again next summer, which is pretty cool when you think about it. The way you can always count on some things, like summer. Unless global warming I guess, lol. Fall’s pretty cool too though.

Anywho, I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention at all, but we’re about to bomb another country! This one’s called Syria, and is also in the Middle East.

You probably haven’t heard much about it, because Miley Cyrus twerked at an awards show last week, but it’s pretty important for a few reasons:

  • Lots of people are dying, and some of them possibly (but probably) from chemical attacks, which is why the U.S. may now involve itself
  • It’s further destabilizing the Middle East, where lots of people are dying in general, always, and what is also of major importance for things like energy, which is used to produce things like food, which amounts to things like ‘not having a global famine’
  • The actions of the United States here will either redefine our foreign policy of belligerence or punctuate, highlight, circle, and draw tiny little stars around the fact of our believing that we have a right to blow shit up in countries that have not attacked us and that we are not at war with. Barack Obama is asking the United States Congress to authorize the attack, though he has implied (via Secretary of State John Kerry) that he really doesn’t care what those n00bs think, and will likely bomb Syria regardless of their decision. Because whatever, Syria totally deserves it!

Check out this PBS ‘cheat sheet,’ which, while embarrassing that we need it, is a great place to pick up the basic details of what’s happening.

Now, you’re probably thinking, ‘oh, damn, I haven’t even been paying attention though! Who are the major decision-making players involved in this question of whether or not we will bomb Syria?’

But duh you guys, I’ve got you! Here’s a quick, non-comprehensive guide to the major decision-making players involved in this question of whether or not we will bomb Syria, and definitely feel free to troll me in the comments section or tweet insane, hateful things at me all day (@micsolana). It makes me feel important!

Barack Obama

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: Barack Obama is now in power

Likes: His daughters, his wife, Hawaii

Does not like: Bad press

Last spotted: Defending the Syria air strike

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation.” 2007

“[No I totally didn’t mean it like that srry].” 2013, paraphrased

John McCain

Derek Bridges
Derek Bridges

On Syria: Really wants to bomb it (and maybe invade it)

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Bombing things (a lot — more than he likes losing presidential elections, even), invading things, war

Does not like: Torture

Last spotted: PLAYING A GAME ON HIS MOTHER EFFING IPHONE DURING THE MOTHER EFFING SYRIA HEARING, JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME, OMFG

Notable quotation on bombing stuff:

“War is a miserable business. Let’s get on with it.” 2001

“Scandal! Caught playing iPhone game at 3+ hour Senate hearing – worst of all I lost!” 2013, Syria hearing

Nancy Pelosi

pelosi

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: Barack Obama is now in power

Likes: Gay people, drug legalization, botox

Does not like: Texas, probably (unconfirmed, but come on)

Last spotted: Naked, riding a winged, rainbow-colored unicorn above the capital, raining glitter down upon her people like some kind of reverse Book of Revelations shit (or some legitimate Book of Revelations shit, I suppose, depending on your politics)

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“[The issue of whether or not we should bomb Iraq] is about the Constitution. It is about this Congress asserting its right to declare war when we are fully aware what the challenges are to us. It is about respecting the United Nations and a multilateral approach, which is safer for our troops.” 2002

“[No I totally didn’t mean it like that srry].” 2013, paraphrased

John Kerry

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Being taken seriously, rich person things (wind surfing, ‘the Cape,’ brie), other rich people, botox

Does not like: Difficult questions

Last spotted: Just, like, SO OVER all of this nonsense at the Syria hearing about whether or not the president needs congressional approval to randomly bomb other parts of the world, you guys! He’s the president! Just do what he says! WTF!

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“I will be voting to give the President of the United States the authority to use force, if necessary, to disarm Saddam Hussein because I believe that a deadly arsenal of weapons of mass destruction in his hands is a real and grave threat to our security.” 2001

“In America, you have a right to be stupid if you want to be. And you have a right to be disconnected to somebody else if you want to be. And we tolerate that — we somehow make it through that.” 2013, not about bombing stuff, but true (I hope)

Rand Paul

Mark Taylor
Mark Taylor

On Syria: Does not want to bomb it

On Iraq: Did not want to bomb it

Major difference: People are kind of listening to him now!

Likes: The constitution, weed, ‘Aqua Buddha’

Does not like: War, ‘Big Government’ (but just the government in general, really)

Last spotted: Invoking Madisonian political thought and the U.S. Constitution during yesterday’s Syria hearing while John McCain straight up ROLLED HIS EYES like ‘omg, look at this LOSER talking about the FOUNDING FATHERS. LOL they’re DEAD, Rand. get over it.’

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

“While the President is the commander of our armed forces, he is not a king. He may involve those forces in military conflict only when authorized by Congress or in response to an imminent threat. Neither was the case here.” 2011, when Barack Obama was bombing the shit out of Libya

“The war in Syria has no clear national security connection to the United States and victory by either side will not necessarily bring in to power people friendly to the United States.” 2013

John Boehner

On Syria: Wants to bomb it

On Iraq: Wanted to bomb it

Major difference: No major difference

Likes: Crying (see above)

Does not like: I don’t know but look at all of these pictures of him crying, haha

Last spotted: Not actually sure, people keep quoting him but no one really seems to care what he has to say, or where he is, which is maybe why he’s so sad

Notable quotes on bombing stuff:

*The sound of John Boehner sobbing uncontrollably* TC mark

Related

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://leatherpenguin.com/wordpress/fall-unicorn-king/ Feckless Mendacity Marks the Fall of the Unicorn King

    […] Good Afternoon, Internet, We’re About To Bomb Another Country (thoughtcatalog.com) […]

  • http://thoughtcatalog.com/zoe-liu/2014/03/thank-you-thought-catalog-for-publishing-racist-satire/ Thank You, Thought Catalog, For Publishing Racist Satire | Thought Catalog

    […] Catalog at its best possesses the ability to lurch between the intellectual and the entertaining — at its utter, utter bestest, it eradicates the distinction between the two. With this in […]

blog comments powered by Disqus