As every TV show, movie, and magazine article has told us repeatedly, dating is very hard. Thankfully there are things such as Tinder that make the process a bit easier. But as with that McDonald’s cashier who is flummoxed by being handed $11 for a $6 meal, there are many obstacles in the way that make a simple process much more difficult. Ladies, please stop with:
1. Bridal photos
Women think they look great in their bridesmaid dresses, despite the fact that the entire bridal industry revolves around having bridesmaids wear the least flattering colors on Earth to make the bride look better by comparison. Yes, you spent a lot of time getting your hair done that day. But any guy will run away screaming if you show up to a date with ringlets.
2. Group photos
Is your name Waldo or a variant thereof? Are you conjoined? Are you pathologically incapable of being alone? If you answer to any of these questions is “yes,” “no,” or anything else, it doesn’t matter because we’ve swiped left already. I’ve even seen situations where every profile photo has the girl with someone else. Technically, if you’re never alone, you’re not really single.
Loyalty is one of the most attractive qualities for a woman to have. Every guy should consider himself fortunate if he has a woman who will stick by him (and vice versa). It’s absolutely wonderful when a girl stands by her friends. But “you mess with my friends, you mess with me” shouldn’t be one of the first three sentences you type in your bio. That’s not just a red flag—it’s a mushroom cloud.
4. Discussions of dead family members
I am very sorry to hear that your mom died when you were a kid. And while I am curious if you meant “when she left, she took part of me with her” literally, I’m not curious enough to ask about it. That’s because sane human beings try to avoid mentioning personal tragedies for at least five minutes after meeting a person. It doesn’t matter if her will stipulated “mention me in your online dating profiles.” Don’t do it.
5. Pixelated photos
No one is saying your photos need to be professional headshots. But in the same way that you wouldn’t hand in a resume covered in coffee stains, having a picture that looks like an 8-bit caricature tells us that you DGAF. Which is only cool if you’re one of those women who actually DGAF, as opposed to someone who can’t even be bothered to give their profile a once-over. Women don’t care for the slob who doesn’t even own a bed. This is the female photographic equivalent.
6. Photos with someone else’s kids
If I’m a guy who wants kids, I don’t need to see you pictured with children to visualize you as a mother. And if I’m a guy who doesn’t want kids, seeing you photographed with children is not exactly a turn-on. Your profile isn’t some arcane tome of great wisdom, full of subtext. If you have to include annotations in your bio about how that boy is your nephew, maybe lose the pic altogether.
Which mob member did you rat on? None of them? Then take off the goddamn sunglasses. You’re not a celebrity and it’s not even that bright out. A woman’s eyes are the most enchanting part of her face, so do be so kind as to let us see them. (Guys: If you match with an eyeless woman, open with “How many pairs of sunglasses do you own?”)
8. The marriage equality symbol
That’s great that you believe in marriage equality. So does everyone else. This is not a complicated issue; every cuckoo Republican has already shut up about it. Having a marriage-equality picture on your profile just tells us that you are a lemming who needs to publicly proclaim your adherence to the most mainstream thinking imaginable. #RaceTogether
9. Happy New Year!
Oh, memories. It was December 31st, and we were all waiting for the year to end and an exciting new year to begin. We were so much younger then, almost three months ago. We sure acted like we knew it all—but didn’t realize how much we had to learn. If you could go back in time to eleven weeks ago, what would you tell yourself? I know: “Lose the photo with the Happy New Year hat.”
10. “Good luck, guys!”
Hey, I get that you love The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and in your mind Tinder is like an IRL version of the shows. So many men to choose from, it’s competition for your heart! Here’s the thing: most men aren’t anything special. Neither are most women. And if you take your dating cues from network reality shows—well, “good luck!”