The urge to love and to be loved has gone, gone is the longing to be held by another and gone is the yearning to hear those words, “I love you.” The anxiety and dread on another painstakingly awkward first date has all but disappeared, and vanished is the feeling of loneliness and despair, all but now a distant and forgotten memory.
But am I really saying “enough is enough” when it comes to love? Or will I jump on board when the right one finally comes along? Am I just repressing the emotions of love, just to forget the hurt and pain it can cause?
Can you really truly be happy in a world that tells you it’s better to be in a partnership than a minus 1? Does the hunt for a significant other actually fade to black, or is it just afterthoughts in the back of your mind that will creep up from behind when you think you think are comfortably alone?
Looking back in hindsight at my disastrous dating life I have wasted so much time and emotion on people who did not deserve acknowledgment of their existence. Were those precious few moments of kisses and cuddles worth all the torment and pain? The countless dates and the nameless encounters all now just a blurred memory, as I escape into my subconscious of my mind and enjoy the prescience of my own company.
Romance and love do not live here anymore; they packed their bags and left this vacant little heart leaving behind an unwelcoming and uninviting place. Long gone are those moments staying up until the early hours hoping and dreaming of the happy ever after that was never meant to be. The illusion was shattered and the magic disappeared when the realization sunk in that I did not need to be rescued and could be my own prince charming.
Cupids arrow has had countless attempts, each one a failed shot at hitting the bullseye. I once was so eager to lose myself and be someone I’m not but as I peacefully lay here and watch reruns of The Walking Dead, it’s me and my nerdy imagination as I watch the world burn alone.
But who am I kidding, who am I trying to fool? If love came along I would crumble in a blink of an eye.
Are these thoughts of independence and solidarity truly my state of mind? Or am I just deluding myself when I say I will turn a blind eye to love? My mind says I am comfortably alone, yet my heart weeps and cries, when will I find someone to call my own?