I hate people.
I’m a misanthrope. What’s that, you say? Misanthropy is distrust or disdain for the human species or human nature. It’s a rarely discussed viewpoint held by a small percentage of the population; I am absolutely in that small percentage.
Unfortunately, the fact is I have to interact with people on a daily basis, whether I like it or not.
Activities that come naturally to most people — like socializing or getting on public transportation — is a struggle full of anxiety and despair.
Consider this a peek into the mind of misanthrope and the common problems that arise from being one. These are the nine social situations every person who hates other people comes across — and dreads.
And other people who hate people, I hope you understand.
1. When someone sits next to you on public transportation.
Picture the scene, the bus is half full but not packed to the brim. You are content and absorbed in your own little world, sitting by yourself as the sound of music (probably something along the lines of Evanescence or some other emo, dark and depressed type band) blares from your headphones.
Then — all of a sudden — a human sits next to you.
Now, I’m talking about the standard two-seater chairs most commonly found in UK double decker buses, which are inconveniently positioned together so you have no choice but to feel the nudge of elbows and just the general discomfort of a spewing stranger sat right next to you.
This kind of behavior is unfathomable. Why is your presence next to me?
2. When someone in your immediate proximity smells so, so bad.
Feeling enraged, you scout the entire bus and see there are seats with no people in them whatsoever. Out of all the seats on this bus, this human had to perch himself next to you.
I’m talking stench, body odor, talking loudly on the phone in a foreign language, sneezing and coughing and just breathing next to you.
You avoid sitting next to someone in public unless it’s absolutely necessary and, even then, you feel like you’re dying a little inside every moment you have to sit next to anyone.
3. When you’re forced to make small talk.
Sometimes that awkward moment occurs when you’re forced to vacate your seat and make the requisite pardons and say, “excuse me” through your teeth. And, worse, when you run into someone you vaguely know and have four stops to ask how they are in seven different ways.
When you hate people, talking to them can be a fate worse than death.
4. When someone tries to talk to you while you’re wearing headphones.
Like, seriously?! Do you not see these earphones plugged into my ears? Do you not hear the loud and aggressive music blaring from the earphones?
You honestly start wondering what about you seems approachable.
Does my stern and emotionless face look like it wishes to engage in social interaction? You hate having to waste your energy on humans when all you want to do is escape into your own little world.
5. When you feel a poke of a finger on your back or shoulder.
You turn around to inspect what foul creature dared to touch you only to be faced with a stern middle-aged woman pointing to your headphones.
You’re forced to inconveniently turn down your music to hear this wench speak, thinking it could potentially be somewhat interesting, only to be told to “turn down your music.”
I have headphones on for a reason, so humans would not invade my personal space; now they are dictating what volume my music should be?
I give a miffed look, plug back in my earphones and continue to listen to my music… loudly. Society will not conform me; I just wish to be left alone.
6. When you’re seated anywhere near children.
After you’ve escaped the confines of the underground, you venture to a nearby restaurant to indulge and unwind after the emotional distress of people.
When you’re shown to your table, you realize the waitress has placed you next to a table with children. What kind of sorcery is this? Children in public restaurants. They are repulsive little creatures who test your patience when all you are trying to do is enjoy your meal in peace.
You are a paying customer and do not appreciate the constant screeching and crying of babies ruining your tranquillity.
You completely advocate the idea of child-free restaurants and long for the day children are banned from these establishments.
But until that day arrives, you are forced to look on in annoyance and disgust as their doting and deluded parents smother them with compliments and affection.
7. When someone actually calls you on the phone.
After paying the bill, you suddenly feel an unfamiliar vibration from your pocket. Shocked, you reach into the depths of your pocket and are left flabbergasted that someone is actually phoning you.
The moment you see an actual human’s name appear on your phone, you sigh in utter disgust and contempt. Calling!?!!? What is this nonsense? Text me, you incompetent, idiotic human.
8. When someone doesn’t cancel plans.
After ignoring their call, you proceed to message them, “Sorry, just missed your call, you ok?” each word a bitter lie. You wait with bated breath as they respond.
Please, please, please cancel our plans. I’ve had too much anxiety for one day and want to go home. Your favorite moment in life is when people cancel plans.
There’s nothing quite like that sweet sigh of relief when you don’t have to hang out and mingle with humans. The unnecessary annoyance of having to leave the confines of your bedroom to feel socially acceptable is not acceptable at all.
Relieved you are no longer socially obliged and morally bound to interact with acquaintances, you journey back to the sanctuary that is your bedroom.
Within these four walls, you are free from the clutches of humankind.
Humans are mentally exhausting and drain the very fabric of my soul. So please leave me alone as I become engrossed in a marathon of the walking dead.
It’s moments like this that misanthropes truly cherish — away from humans, away from society, where I am allowed to just be myself. By myself.