The Problem With Selfies

Shutterstock
Shutterstock

Look, I have an Instagram, I’m hip. 

It seems like a perfectly reasonable way to insist your life is awesome to the internet, but there’s an aspect of it that I’m having trouble wrapping my head around.

Selfies.   

To be more specific, collages of selfies.

I had Myspace during the height of its popularity and I was a scene kid during the time, so I’ve seen my share of ridiculous selfies. I’m pushing my bangs out of my eyes just thinking about it. But a selfie is one thing; a collection of them is borderline insane.

What is going through your mind when you arrange a group of pictures of yourself and post them on the internet? Can somebody walk me through it?

This is totally not crazy at all.  Totally normal behavior. What am I doing? Oh, I’m just taking several pictures of myself, arranging them in a specific way, gonna throw them on the internet, see what happens. My parents are probably really proud of me.

 

Am I losing my mind? 

Let’s talk about the time commitment that takes.

 

You’re a fool if you see someone’s arrangement of selfies and think they just went click, click, click, INTERNET.  I don’t think I’ve ever been a part of a group picture in my life where there wasn’t multiple shots, so it’s probably much worse during a selfie photo shoot.

 

So let’s say you have 3-5 pictures in your collage, you have the following things to consider.

1) You have to choose 3-5 different shots of your own stupid face.

2) You have to take multiple shots for each different pose. We can’t bad look bad out here.

3) Oh my god, the filters.  Are you gonna go separate filter for each shot or use one across the board? What if one of the pictures looks bad with a filter you like? Do you need to redo the whole shoot? Maybe you should go back to school. LIFE IS HARD.

4) What time are you going to post the picture to acquire the most likes? I NEED THESE LIKES.

 

I’m not a scientist, but I’d say this takes anywhere from 30-45 minutes.  Here are some things you could do be doing with that time instead of being a nutjob.

  • Mentor a Child
  • Plant a Tree
  • Buy a homeless person a sandwich
  • Set up an appointment with a therapist to discuss this dangerous behavior.
  • Read a fucking newspaper.  Maybe this week you’ll pull your weight in trivia and everyone will hate you less.

I don’t want to seem like I’m picking on girls here.  Guys do this too and also other ridiculous things.

 

For instance, I like football.  It has no effect on my life but it seriously affects my mood, I scream at my TV and I have on a guy’s jersey that was born in 1990 which is kind of weird.  I also play video games against children on the internet.

Even crazier are the guys who comment on these pictures like giant creeps.

Creepy guys who comment on girls’ pictures; how is that working out for you? Has that ever worked in the history of the world?

“How did you guys meet?”

“Well, he said ‘dayuuuuuuuuuuuuuum 8=========D’ on a picture I posted on IG and the rest is history.”

You guys are weird. TC mark

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