Look at you. I mean, for the love of God. You’re a total bummer and everyone is talking about it. You just look like a person who would smell really bad, that’s all I’m saying.
We all know how you’re feeling; you have your morning coffee and you’re like “I could be president!” and then it wears off and you’re like “I want some cheese.” Life is sad and now you’re also sad.
Fortunately for your pathetic soul, I’ve narrowed down the human experience to a handful of things you can start doing that will instantly improve your life and everyone will think you are so cool and want to touch your hair.
Have Infinite Time
Work really hard and have time to relax and also you should exercise and watch TV and drink on the weeknights and go to sleep early so you feel rested and cook for yourself and cultivate your own crops and have time for your significant other and have time for your friends and go outside and read books and write a book and trace your hand on a piece of paper and then make it a turkey and look everybody I made a cool hand turkey his name is Professor Delicious.
Compare Yourself to Others
A lot of people think you shouldn’t compare yourselves to others. “Don’t compare yourself to others,” they would say. Clearly, what they mean is that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others better than yourself. That’s a bummer, don’t do that; but comparing yourself to those less fortunate than yourself really pumps up that self-esteem. So maybe you haven’t had a normal bowel movement in three weeks and you keep looking at your ex’s Facebook profile and she’s all having a happy existence without you, but at least you have a face! (some people don’t have faces)
Don’t Do Things that are Hard
There’s nothing more gratifying than just not doing something. One time I was going to apply to grad school, and then I just ate a doughnut instead. The doughnut was good and also the not doing something was good.
Have Nothing Bad Happen
Sometimes bad things happen and that is bad, so just go ahead and not have anything bad happen to you. Keep your relatives alive longer by dosing them with HGH and if you get fired from your job, dress up your pets like co-workers and pretend you have a job where you just cry in your bed.
Do All the Drugs
When I was a kid, all the adults would tell you not to do drugs, but now I realize it was because they wanted all the drugs for themselves. Do some LSD and get in canoe and I dare you not to crack a smile!
Eat a Whole Ice Cream Cake Once a Week
You know what’s awesome? Ice Cream. You know what’s also awesome? Cake. Ice cream cake is easily the best mash up in the history of ever, so enjoy it. You probably shouldn’t tell your doctor, because he will be all like “this is extremely unhealthy” and “you have diabetes now,” but clearly he’s just jealous he didn’t think of this first.
Hang Out with Positive People
You need to surround yourself with people who are mindful of their goals and aren’t dragging you down. You know what type of people are always positive? People that do cocaine. I’m not saying you should do cocaine, I’m saying all of your friends should do cocaine because they’ll make you feel like anything is possible.
Bury Your Phone in a Hole for an Hour Everyday
Right, it’s your phone that’s making you unhappy, so you should just unplug from the world for an hour a day and see how bored you can make yourself. What will make you feel even better is when you unearth your phone and you don’t have any missed calls or texts, so you convince yourself that maybe all your loved ones just formed a search party to find you because they were so worried about you.
Don’t Ever Be Angry
Life is short, so you shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. I mean so what if you’re on fire? GET OVER IT. Will you be fully engulfed in flames a week from now? A year from now? Probably not.
Murder Your Enemies
Just do it. No one will miss them.