"OPEN THE DOOR IT'S THE POLICE" who is it? "POLICE" what is a police *cops start whispering* "how does he not know what a police is"
— oh whale (@midnightwhale) July 12, 2014
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 15, 2011
*Oprah gets up to do Harvard's commencement speech* and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma and you get a diploma
— Spooky V Cardholder (@lil_aracuan) May 20, 2013
sometimes, one tweet is all you need pic.twitter.com/jE2KgSXbs8
— McSweatervest (@McSwtrvst) May 14, 2013
gorls r soft, nice and like kniitting, giggling, playing dress up, boys: like fotball, skulls, playing kick the old granma
— 1 cute gril (@a_cute_bug) October 1, 2014
Zooey Deschannel stabs you. "why?" She stares at you with her blue eyes, "Idk I'm just so wacky and random!" And she starts playing ukulele.
— Joke Sayer Guy (@PajamaBen_) April 1, 2013
2045: No more fish in the sea. No one knows how to comfort broken up singles anymore. "There are plenty of elephan- no they're extinct too."
— crappy face pic (@Crappy_Face_Pic) November 18, 2013
you better not shout, you better not cry, you better ingredients, better pizza, papa john's
— メリ (⁎˃ᆺ˂) (@melip0ne) June 9, 2013
all these calculators and ur bullshit still doesn't add up pic.twitter.com/TekaBvOTl9
— YA BOY BILL NYE (@yaboybillnye) March 18, 2014
"ok class whats 3 x 100" is it 3hunna? *chest bumps teacher* *classroom begins twerking*
— Gone (@goodbyeevery1) August 28, 2013
[drug dealers house] got any coke? "is pepsi ok?" *we laugh super hard then get killed by a drive-by b/c we're in a high crime rate area*
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) August 6, 2013
eat shit, dude who cut in line at wendy's, now i'm gonna imagine you being nude and make fun of you in my mind ok wow nice balls actually
— chuuch (@ch000ch) September 10, 2013
"Do you have Coke" No, is Pepsi okay "Do you have updog" What's updog "Haha not much and no Pepsi is absolutely not okay"
— b£^r|) $pįć€ (@BeardSpice) September 30, 2014
Taken 4: Granted
— Kyle Lippert (@Kyle_Lippert) September 30, 2014
♫ Hush little baby / don't say a word / You're a stupid baby / you don't know words ♫
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) June 24, 2014
"problem, officer?" I followed you for 3 miles and you stared at your beard in the rearview mirror the entire time…but now I can see why
— Brent (@murrman5) October 1, 2014
My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014
[Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) November 21, 2013
Sprayed a spider with Axe body spray to kill it but now his name is Chad and he is banging all the girl spiders. My house is infested.
— luke (@internetluke) March 3, 2014
my sweatpants say "unlimited breadsticks" across the butt
— victoria (@radtoria) March 19, 2014
*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*
— no boys allowed (@AlexIsCool69) October 20, 2013
If you took out somebody's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.
— Tyler Schmall (@tylerschmall) September 25, 2014