[tough voice] i am here to make friends
— deg (@degg) September 8, 2014
boyfrend on our anniversary: u smart, loyual, …u grateful.. me: I appreciate that…thanks fam
— 1 spoky gril (@a_cute_bug) October 27, 2014
*she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*
— hippieswordfish (@hippieswordfish) October 23, 2014
[séance] "Everyone hold hands and close your eyes." [knocking sound] "Speak, spirit, speak!" "Hi. It's the pizza guy. You ordered a medium."
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) October 24, 2014
[Shark Tank] Ok hear me out. -Alright. It's an airplane made out of cats. -But why? It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet. -Please leave.
— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) October 23, 2014
Cop: your under arrest Me: you're* under arrest 2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he's right
— adam (@AdamTheLobster) October 24, 2014
[Couples Therapy] Her, to therapist: Ive found several of his online posts insulting me Me: thats not true Stupid idiot Dianne: yes it is
— Orenthal J Simpkinsn (@jsaffle1) October 18, 2014
*year end pizza party* Coach:Im really proud of all of u, except Billy *points at kid* Billy struck out and he's why we're not in the finals
— Rad Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 20, 2014
skin [ √ ] eyes [ √ ] under ground [ √ ] marketable [ √ ] cut into pieces [ √ ] research concludes, Papa Roach are potatoes
— CoolBabyRat (@CoolBabyRat) April 24, 2012
that three stooge thing where you run around in circles on the floor horizontally is actually a vital component of my yakuza training
— wint (@dril) October 21, 2014
I got a new trash can at work so I'm getting rid of the old one. pic.twitter.com/mqN87h5MC9
— patrick (@tastefactory) October 21, 2014
Losing to Aragorn in chess, a frustrated Borormir flips the board. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He pouts, tears in his eyes.
— Glenn (@justabloodygame) October 22, 2014
-LIFE- PLAYER 1 PRESS START °born° no weapons? °gets married° how do i jump? °has kids° money cheat? °dies° i couldn't jump RESTART [Y/N]
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 21, 2014
The "fur wolf tail for Halloween fancy dress" I ordered off eBay has arrived. Now, err… any ideas how to attach it? pic.twitter.com/5FullroKKc
— Kelly (@glitteratty) October 20, 2014
I don't mean to brag but I own several shirts with Dragons on them
— Rob Elliott (@RobElliottComic) April 28, 2013
You are the apple of my eye. The peach of my teeth. The banana of my elbow. The orange of my nipples. The watermelon of my wiener. The mango
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 21, 2014
"So where are you from?" - I'm a Liberian "Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?"
— Eldge (@Sickayduh) October 10, 2014
*holds up 2 ties* which one, I have a big meeting today "both are nice" [wife calls later] "how'd it go" well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
— Brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
[Sees girl reading 50 Shades of Grey] “Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] fucks all 50 goddamn shades of grey"
— Robert Jiggly Jr. (@Cruise_Hi5ive) October 24, 2014
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
— Maximoose (@Wuttercuerk) October 18, 2014
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds] *googles "how to defuse a bomb"* *clicks top result* *it's a 17-page slideshow.* GODDAMMIT *an ad plays*
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) October 14, 2014