[tough voice] i am here to make friends
— deg (@degg) September 8, 2014
boyfrend on our anniversary: u smart, loyual, …u grateful..
me: I appreciate that…thanks fam
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) October 27, 2014
"Everyone hold hands and close your eyes."
"Speak, spirit, speak!"
"Hi. It's the pizza guy. You ordered a medium."
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) October 24, 2014
Ok hear me out.
It's an airplane made out of cats.
It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet.
— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) October 23, 2014
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you're* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he's right
— Adam (@AdamDavis) October 24, 2014
*year end pizza party*
Coach:Im really proud of all of u, except Billy
*points at kid*
Billy struck out and he's why we're not in the finals
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 20, 2014
that three stooge thing where you run around in circles on the floor horizontally is actually a vital component of my yakuza training
— wint (@dril) October 21, 2014
I got a new trash can at work so I'm getting rid of the old one. pic.twitter.com/mqN87h5MC9
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 21, 2014
Losing to Aragorn in chess, a frustrated Borormir flips the board. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He pouts, tears in his eyes.
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) October 22, 2014
PLAYER 1 PRESS START
how do i jump?
i couldn't jump
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 21, 2014
You are the apple of my eye. The peach of my teeth. The banana of my elbow. The orange of my nipples. The watermelon of my wiener. The mango
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 21, 2014
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
[Sees girl reading 50 Shades of Grey]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] fucks all 50 goddamn shades of grey"
— chuck🤺 (@Cruise_Hi5ive) October 24, 2014
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
— jeremy (@Wuttercuerk) October 18, 2014
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles "how to defuse a bomb"*
*clicks top result*
*it's a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) October 14, 2014