[tough voice] i am here to make friends
— deg (@degg) September 8, 2014
boyfrend on our anniversary: u smart, loyual, …u grateful..
me: I appreciate that…thanks fam
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) October 27, 2014
https://twitter.com/hippieswordfish/status/525079938559672321
[séance]
"Everyone hold hands and close your eyes."
[knocking sound]
"Speak, spirit, speak!"
"Hi. It's the pizza guy. You ordered a medium."— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) October 24, 2014
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It's an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it's feet.
-Please leave.— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) October 23, 2014
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you're* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he's right— Adam (@AdamDavis) October 24, 2014
https://twitter.com/jsaffle1/status/523508440476299266
*year end pizza party*
Coach:Im really proud of all of u, except Billy
*points at kid*
Billy struck out and he's why we're not in the finals— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 20, 2014
https://twitter.com/CoolBabyRat/status/194857514267971584
that three stooge thing where you run around in circles on the floor horizontally is actually a vital component of my yakuza training
— wint (@dril) October 21, 2014
I got a new trash can at work so I'm getting rid of the old one. pic.twitter.com/mqN87h5MC9
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) October 21, 2014
Losing to Aragorn in chess, a frustrated Borormir flips the board. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He pouts, tears in his eyes.
— Glenn Loury 2.0 Darker, Gayer, Different (@justabloodygame) October 22, 2014
-LIFE-
PLAYER 1 PRESS START
°born°
no weapons?
°gets married°
how do i jump?
°has kids°
money cheat?
°dies°
i couldn't jump
RESTART
[Y/N]— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 21, 2014
https://twitter.com/glitteratty/status/524273672723648512
https://twitter.com/RobElliottComic/status/328552566747172867
You are the apple of my eye. The peach of my teeth. The banana of my elbow. The orange of my nipples. The watermelon of my wiener. The mango
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) October 21, 2014
https://twitter.com/Sickayduh/status/520409375144697858
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
"both are nice"
[wife calls later]
"how'd it go"
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster— brent (@murrman5) September 22, 2014
[Sees girl reading 50 Shades of Grey]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] fucks all 50 goddamn shades of grey"— chuck🤺 (@Cruise_Hi5ive) October 24, 2014
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I'm on their side.
— jeremy (@Wuttercuerk) October 18, 2014
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles "how to defuse a bomb"*
*clicks top result*
*it's a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*— Dan O'Brien (@OtherDanOBrien) October 14, 2014
