after 13 long years congress approved a bill that will finally let the bodies hit the floor
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) June 16, 2014
I have no idea how people propose…sometimes I feel afraid to ask for extra ketchup.
— Chintan (@chinty88) February 8, 2014
Will future generations evolve longer arms because of selfies?
— ❤♛❤ ~Spaced Princess (@GingerGander) January 19, 2014
What were Chick Fil-A's other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?
— Rob Fee (@robfee) October 10, 2014
oh. my. God. Becky. look at her inner beauty
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) August 21, 2014
please don't open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 7, 2014
There's no happiness in this Happy Meal. What other lies are they feeding us?
— Omar (@23_Lies) December 28, 2011
*sex scene comes on movie while im sat with my family* *dad stands up and points at tv* "THAT. I'VE DONE THAT. I DID THAT TO YOUR MOTHER."
— Hitmonjake (@jake_likes_naps) July 28, 2014
My walk of shame is when I leave the bank after trying to get a loan.
— MasterBaby (@MisterWarr) October 28, 2012
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 20, 2014
I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) July 7, 2012
"I never said all that shit." ~Confucius
— AmishPornStar (@AmishPornStar1) June 2, 2014
*Rick from Pawn Stars at Subway* -Your total's $5.30 -Eh I dunno. That roast beef looks like pork to me lemme call my buddy who's an exper
— brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) October 5, 2014
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.
— Good Noodles (@Jenny4ashley) May 29, 2014
Damn girl are you Internet Explorer? Cuz you are not responding
— Omar Da Big O (@HijoDePolo) August 4, 2014
My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"
— Dan (@Social_Mime) February 21, 2014
Sometimes I just want to go where all the missing socks go.
— Mom of the Year™ (@24HourBitching) April 15, 2012
"I wrote a poem," he threatened
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) September 20, 2013
*Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."
— Grenade Spice (@shadygrenade) July 16, 2014
"OMG HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, how ARE youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!" – girls who don't actually like each other and want the other to be fat
— Buggeration (@VenusRockHobbit) May 26, 2013
it’s called being condescending maybe you’ve heard of it
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 15, 2014