*Brad Pitt squeezing African children's heads* -Yes this one seems ripe. I'll have him.
— brandon from school (@bakedbrotatoes) May 27, 2014
[at the zoo] Llama spits in my face I spit in llamas face Llama slaps me I grab llamas hair Scuffle ensues Llamas gf shouts "leave it Gary!"
— paul (@FrenulumBreve) July 22, 2014
Screw you recommended serving size, you don't know me.
— Nat (@GermanFreckles) May 29, 2014
if u wanna get laid by the hottest grils u have to have the fastest RC cars
— 1 cute gril (@a_cute_bug) October 7, 2014
*Cool priest moonwalks out* "Hey kids it's time to learn about the J-Dawg. Power up the church ipads & hit up dat bible app" *does the worm*
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) October 5, 2014
Please do not queef in my dojo
— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) October 5, 2014
i'm a 7 year old girl and i want ferocious abs. want to absorb punches to my gut and also i like 2 make friendship braclets
— voraciousbunny (@voraciousbunny) January 21, 2012
these hidden smash brothers characters are awesome!! pic.twitter.com/J2Vm5wRyLY
— lawblob (@lawblob) October 3, 2014
"Who is that stunning young man? Driver, slow down" The wealthy Hollywood producer rolls down the limo window & throws his Slurpee cup at me
— refriend beans (@pharmasean) October 8, 2014
how bout i spell YOUR name wrong, Stahrbux. hm? how bout i pronounce it wrong, too, huh? you like that? how's that feel, Stlerbecks?
— tara shoe (@tarashoe) December 3, 2013
Well…guess my "style" is a layered look: Layer one: fat Layer two: shame Layer three: potato chip crumbs Layer four: Old Navy
— bourgeois beth (@bourgeoisalien) July 14, 2014
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the 'MarioKart Champion' tshirt return to security? There are several women here who'd like to have sex with you
— Brian Essbe (@SortaBad) October 5, 2014
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.
— Witchy Woman (@dreamthievin) November 20, 2011
If you flip someone off at the exact moment lightning strikes it's called The Thunderbird and it's currently the most powerful known swear
— Shed Shitley (@DinkMagic) March 18, 2014
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) July 8, 2011