So here’s the story. I’m back from University for the summer, so I’m living with my Mum and my smaller, much younger (by 12 years, I argue 12 and a half but she’s adamant it’s only 12) sister. I was lying in my room and in she comes wielding this penis shaped object like it was some form of Sword. She then proceeded to make it vibrate and decided it was a better massager than a sword. So proceeded to massage my foot, my poor violated foot, with it.
I was fairly flabbergasted by this and didn’t really know where to put myself. Ordinarily I’d tell her off and tell her to put it back where she got it from, but technically it wasn’t dangerous, and I couldn’t exactly explain to her what it was. There are things a 10 year old girl should know with regards to sex and growing up, this isn’t one of them I thought. So yeah, I sort of sat there, speechless. What times in your life have you been truly speechless?
Note to self. Save story for future embarrassment at big life event.
While babysitting, the two kid siblings (boy-11, girl- 7) had a friend over who was the age as the boy. The brother and sister were wrestling like usual next to the friend. The friend then said the most disturbing thing an eleven year old can say. He said, “it looks like she wants you to eat her pussy.”
I was speechless.
Edit: the siblings didn’t register what the friend said and kept playing. I was panicking in my head and thought about calling the boy’s mom to pick him up but I didn’t. I told the parents when they got home and the kid never came over again.
In high school, my best friend pleaded for me to go with him to this girl’s house because she had a friend over, he wanted to get in her pants, and her parents were gone for the weekend. I unenthusiastically agreed and he promised it wouldn’t be that bad. Turns out her friend was a 6′ 1″ black girl named Shaday. I am a 5′ 7″ korean so we were a match made in heaven.
As the night pressed on and we drank her dad’s beers, Shaday suggested we tell our dirtiest secrets. She wanted to go first, but only if we promised to tell a secret that would be as secret as hers. We reluctantly agreed unsure but excited to where this might be going. She began saying that her and her ex were very close and she doesn’t know if she will find anyone she will love more. She followed that by saying her and her boyfriend would make their own popsicles in those old school plastic popsicle trays that was a mixture of milk, sugar, and HIS SPERM… AND THEY WOULD EAT THEM TOGETHER.
There was no chance I could top Sperm Pops.
I was at a friends house and all of a sudden her little sister runs into the room screaming that their little brother had found mum and dad’s ‘willy’. Then her brother runs past the door wielding this massive purple dildo like a sword. My friends face fell. I was trying to hold back the laughter. My friend kicked the door closed, looked me in the eye and said ‘we shall never speak of this again.’
Back years ago when I was around 9 a girl found a vibrator at home and brought it into school thinking it was a portable back massager.
She spent the entire recess break rolling it up and down other kids backs until a teacher walking past saw it. I’ll never forget the look on the teacher’s face when they saw this girl rolling a leopard spotted battery-operated-boyfriend around some smiling kids back, it was priceless.
I remember a few years later when someone found out what a vibrator actually was and told the girl what she’d been ‘massaging’ other kids with, the look of horror on her face almost matched the exact look that the teacher had made.
When I was a kid, I got my parents this little plastic set of pink of handcuffs for Valentine’s Day. They were so small that they could barely fit around your thumb. It was just some dumb kid thing, but my Mom said she loved them and put them in her nightstand, I’m guessing just to validate me or some shit like that.
A week later at preschool, a police officer comes in and does a LI5 for us about what a police officer is and what they do. This was my first real encounter with the police ever, and I thought it was pretty cool, keeping everyone safe and shit.
Then Officer McSmiley got to the handcuffs. She pulled them out of her belt, and a little light went off in my head. After she told us they were used for catching bad guys, my hand shot straight up and I yelled:
“My mom has a pair of handcuffs too! Except they’re pink and she keeps ’em in her drawer!”
I swear, this shit was almost like a Family Circus cartoon drafted by a 14 year old boy. The teacher was bent over crying she was laughing so hard, and my mom got called and freaked the fuck out. Now my parents bring it up every chance they get.
I don’t regret a thing, because I’m a bad motherfucker.
I definitely pulled out a plastic tampon container thingy, found conveniently in the bathroom, in the family van and started trying to toot it as if it were a whistle. My moms face was priceless, it’s embarrassing just to think about. It gives me the icky shivers as a full grown woman now…I was so young it’s one of those fuzzy but it happened memories.
When I was about 7/8 years old I came across a condom in the school sand pit, a USED condom. I told a couple of older kids nearby about it. They gathered around and stared at the rubbery snake skin, attracting the attention of a five year old kid who had no idea what it was nor our fascination with it was. He picked it up so he could try and figure out what it was. We all stepped back as though he were holding a live grenade. The kid was puzzled by our reaction and started waving it around. He decided to escalate the situation by PUTTING IT IN HIS MOUTH AND CHEWING IT.
I was around 7 or 8 at that time & I was playing in my dad’s car that was parked in the garage, when I found a used condom behind the back seat.
Not knowing what it was, the first thing that came to mind was hand glove.
So I proceeded to squeeze my hand in it & proudly went to show it off to my parents that were in the kitchen.
The mortified look on my parents face as I showed off my “hand glove” & how pale white my dad became.
My mom quickly yanked it off my hand screaming & washed & scrubbed my hand while she continued screaming at my dad.
Turns out she never knew about the condom & a few years later I discovered what “whores” meant.
They divorced a few short years after, I definitely blamed myself for that one…
A very uneducated girl (but still a friend) was talking to me once about how she had gotten pregnant–and that she was worried that her baby might not have all its limbs because “not all the sperm got in.”
Caught my friend’s dad jacking it in our cellar.
A friend in college was a cheerleader, and she needed help with a charity event her cheerleading squad was doing. Some cheer competition with a ton of kid cheerleader teams competing in their age groups. So I, being a gentleman, agree to help out her squad. We get there and the organizers have t-shirts for the volunteers to change into in the back, so we’re all in the back conference room putting on the t-shirts and grabbing breakfast when the Baltimore Ravens cheerleading squad comes in and starts changing from street clothes into uniforms. In front of all of us. I’m the only straight guy there.
Turns out they were there to support the local cheerleading teams or something. I had no idea they were going to be there. The entire Baltimore Ravens cheerleading squad in various states of undress, right there in front of me as I’m putting cream cheese on a bagel. To put it mildly, I was speechless.
Ten years ago, I opened the bathroom door only to see my naked 13 y/o brother playing with a football in an empty bathtub and singing Paul Anka’s Diana. I just turned around and walked away. He never explained. I never asked.
I was speechless when I found a photo in a frame that was of me on vacation as a child. In the background, either my dad or my uncle has his full genitalia hanging out over his shorts, in plain view of the camera.
Also when my mom decided to teach me about tampons by demonstrating the procedure of putting them in and taking them out on herself. My mind treats it like a nightmare but I know it was real.
Oh god why.
One night at my house, we threw a party. This was just a typical college party, nothing too crazy. It’s the end of the night there are only three people left awake, including myself. We all sat at the kitchen table, bullshitting. The guy started to pass out, since he drank too much. I go back down into my bedroom to hook up with this girl. Sexy times commence and before you know it, we’re both butt ass nekkid. Now, the door to my room was makeshift (I put it on myself, including the lock), so it was really easy to get into. Out of nowhere, this girl walks in because she forgot her purse. She stares at us for a long, awkward moment and finally says, “oh, I like penis.” She grabs her bag and walks out. I just stared blankly at my door for a good while.
When I was in my second year of university, I was known as the kid who slept through everything…I actually still am, but I keep telling myself I’m getting better.
This one day I was sleeping through an ODE’s lecture, and something woke me up. I don’t know what it was, but I do know that as soon as a began rubbing the sleep from my eyes, the kid beside me slammed his head into his desk. Hard. I looked over at him somewhere in a sleepy haze of thoughts that he had fallen asleep too, and had just done so with enough force to smash against his desk. Being a good guy, I reached over to try to wake him up, because he had hit himself pretty hard. Then I felt that he was totally rigid, and I thought “Oh shit, this kid is having a seizure right beside me.”
I’ve taken a couple of first aid courses, and I used to be a life guard. But I totally blanked. I tried supporting his head, and then I called around the class for if he had any friends. One guy came over, but didn’t know any more than I did.
Here’s where I was left speechless. The prof, hearing some commotion, turns around. I made eye contact with him, with pleading “Oh god, please help me.” eyes. Of course, the rationale course of action was to. Turn. Back. Around. And keep on teaching the class.
The kid eventually woke up, and I kind of gathered that he epileptic (he was international, and English wasn’t his first language). We bumped into each other later that day, and he thanked me. I never did blackmail that prof for and A, like I should have.
When I was in high school, there was a bar that was converted to a teen hangout spot where most of the cigarette/pot smoking, troublesome teens would hang out on the weekends. The owner was really cool and had the best intentions to have spot we could spend our evenings on the weekends that didn’t involve alcohol or drugs. To his detriment, drugs were sold there and most of us would get hammered in the parking lot and go back in to play pool/darts and talk about stupid high school shit.
So one night I’m rocking a good buzz from drinking Olde English 40’s, and out of nowhere this pack of what must have been 12 year old girls walks in wearing their moms’ clothes. I’m talking thongs pulled up to their armpits, high heels four sizes too big, sports bras and GOD AWFUL amounts of makeup.
It was almost like a scene from a movie; these little slut-wannabes walk in and start asking for cigarettes and offering blowjobs. The music stops, everybody is at a silent stand-still and everyone is focused on them. These girls thought they had just become famous, when in all reality everyone in the room had a major WTF moment.
I just stood there, absolutely dumbfounded for what seemed like an hour, but soon realized these children needed to GTFO, now. The owner was so old he couldn’t make out their age, so I just walked up to them and acted like a bouncer. I asked for I.D., and when they couldn’t produce, I just straight up kicked them out, told them to never come back and they actually started crying.
I’ll never know what happened to those girls, but I’m certain that I was able to preserve what was left of their childhood for at least that single night.
Not me, but my friend was called a “young man” by her P.E teacher. She walked in late without a hall pass and he shouted to her “excuse me young man, please come over here and explain to me why you’re late”. She turned around, glared at him, and continued walking. He realized what he had done, so he didn’t stop her.
Oh did I mention that the P.E teacher was my dad? :/
I was at my friends house, and his little dog comes happily running into the room with its new toy in its mouth. I look down, and what is the toy? A giant, dried-up penis. Apparently they sell bull dicks for canine consumption.
I once teased a girl’s small dog with her vibrator. He fucking loved that thing.
In undergrad I decided to cut my hair into a mullet for a fraternity party that weekend (and to later cut off the rest for a drug test). The party comes and goes without incident. Instead of cutting my mullet off, I just wore a hat for a few days.
The following Tuesday, John Roberts (Chief Justice of U.S. Supreme Court, for those outside the States) came to lecture at our Law School. I went and was seated in an overflow room. I waited for at least an hour for him to come to our room and take questions. Upon his arrival, I was the first for him to call on, at which time I stood up and was asked by his aide to remove my hat. I just stood there for a second and stared, lest I reveal a mullet in front of 120 people and John fucking Roberts. After this one-sided exchange, I hung my head and scurried the fuck outta there. You could hear a pin drop.
I’ll never know what anyone said once I left.
My friend was a lifeguard and camp counselor at a ywca and there was one girl who was slightly odd and didn’t really fit in with the other girls. She had some aspergery qualities and was around 12. One day when swimming in the pool someone (maybe one of the real young kids) took a huge shit in the pool.
All of the girls started screaming and while the adults were prompting everyone to get out of the pool safely and control the chaos. The awkward girl, in an attempt to be a hero and save the day, grabs the shit log with her bare hand and waves it above her head in triumph yelling, “Don’t worry guys, I got it!” and brought it to the bathroom. I’m sure everyone at the pool was left speechless.
I was applying Prep-H with a mirror on the floor, squatting over the mirror completely naked when my Dad walked in to ask me for a book that I had borrowed from him earlier.
He laughed so loud and hard, then walked across the room (WHILST I WAS STILL NAKED) picked up the book and walked out of the room, only turning around when he got to the door to laugh again.
So I started talking to this incredibly attractive girl. We talked for about 3 weeks maybe a month. I realized she lived literally down the street from me. So after 3 dreaded weeks of friend-zone time I head to her house to seal the deal. I ask her if she wanted to be more than just friends. She replied with “Sorry, you aren’t dark enough.” I replied with “Well, yeah.” walked my ass home in confusion.
My mom told me where she lost her virginity (at 19), and pointed out exactly where it was on Google Maps. It was on some rug in some guy’s apartment.
It isn’t my story, but it’s my mother’s. Despite my obvious birth, my mother is asexual. She lost her virginity to my father when she was 25, they had sex only a few times, and remained in a largely sexless relationship for years and years until they finally divorced. (She still hasn’t remarried, and still hasn’t had sex with anyone else.) Thus, my mother was not sexually experienced. At all. She knew sex toys existed, but she wasn’t really sure what they looked like.
Cut to when she’s 43 and a guard at a courthouse. Before entering the courthouse, folks have to pass through security which also includes a thorough search of bags and purses for any dangerous items. There were about 7-8 guards in a row to handle the massive amount of traffic a courthouse gets.
In the middle of the morning rush, my mom searches through a woman’s purse and pulls out a 10 inch long, smooth cylindrical object which she proceeds to hold high above her head for the other guards to look at as she asks, “Do you guys know what this is?” Meanwhile, the poor lady is beet red, and my mother is quietly informed by her fellow guard that it was, in fact, a dildo.
Alright one day me and my best friend at the time went to visit our old elementary school, we were fourteen. There was also a daycare in the school that could play outside a little after school was out. So we were just sitting on a slide reminiscing when these kids (probably 7 year olds) rushed out and then we remembered about the daycare. Well there was this group of boys and they came up to us and asked if we wanted to play and we were kinda like “uhh run along..” and slid down the slide and started to walk away.
There was this one boy in particular who seemed like a “leader” type and he was all “let’s get HER!” and started chasing after me. I felt like it would be pathetic to run away from 7 year olds so I just looked at them like “yeah okay” and headed towards the gates. Well they ended up rallying around me and trying to drag me down to the ground, while they were doing this the leader type boy looked me in the eyes and said “I’m going to rape you.” I literally just stopped fighting the boys and my jaw just dropped and I had no idea what to say I was so flabbergasted.
When I was about 15, I was in New Orleans. My family was leaving from there to go on a cruise and it just so happened that when we came back, it was the tail end of Mardi Gras. This was pre-Katrina and my mother was just in absolute shock she had not thought of this timing predicament. My step father was on our side and understood that this was like an amusement park for my younger brother and I.
So we went out to see some of the parades and so forth. My brother and I ran off to wander the French Quarter while my mother, stepdad, and 12 year old sister watched family appropriate parades.
Needless to say it was a blast. But so that night, we’re back in the hotel, going to bed, and my brother pulls out a condom that Trojan men had been handing out. It was the new ones with the warming lube. My brother only vaguely knew what a condom was but thought it was hilarious that it was similar to a balloon. He proceeded to unwrap and blow it up before anyone started to notice. My stepdad laughed, my mom let out a “Oh for God’s sake!” and my sister and I giggled. My brother proceeds to blow it up and tie it so it looked like a blimp.
I dont know why, but he thought he would toss it up while we were all laying in our respective beds. My brother and I shared a queen size, my mom and stepdad shared a queen size, and my sister had a cot between. The balloon hits the textured ceiling and pops. We were all rained upon by warming lube.
Dead silence in the room
“Ewwww it’s warm” – 12 year old sister.
My dad and I are very close. One day when I was in second grade we were playing a game where we shout names at each other. He was yelling “punk” and I was yelling “wussy”. My tongue got ahead of my brain and I shouted proudly, “PUSSY!”. You can imagine, I stood there speechless. But then proceeded to cry and apologize. He just laughed at me.
There was this little girl (about 3-4 ) in front of me with her morbily obese parents pushing her along in the shopping cart at wal-mart. They reach the fish and meat section and the girl proudly proclaimed ” IT SMELLS LIKE MOMMY IN HERE :D!” The father almost doubled over laughing and the mom got beat red and tried to act like she never said that.
My family and I went on a cruise. It stopped in the Bahamas, Nassau to be exact. Rather than go to the pompous tourist areas, my brother and I thought we’d check out the more local spots. It started getting a little ghetto, but we kept going any way because we weren’t used to it.
Everyone was treating really nicely. We kept walking, and this man with a yellow shirt over his face walk past my brother and I. When he walks past me, I feel a yank on my hip. He’s snatched my $500 Droid Bionic off of my phone. He just stared at me, dangling it with his hands up. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t believe someone robbed me, while I’m on vacation. My bro and I chased him, but the negro was fast (yes, we’re black, but he’s blacker.) The locals told us to stop chasing him since we were in gang territory and was likely leading us into a trap. Ever since then, I don’t like people I don’t know getting too close to me. I can’t think straight when people approach me out of the blue.