It is reported that every single writer is a substance abuser. A recent study by the National Writer’s Association concluded that 110% of poets and authors have taken or take this certain easy-to-obtain mind-enhancing substance to complete their work or get through the day.
Thought to have been first cultivated in Africa, the coffee bean is the most widely abused substance throughout the writing culture. The coffee bean is first harvested from “coffee farms” located in warm climates around the world and then roasted to produce and “enhance” its flavor. “I have to drink this everyday,” a source said. “If I don’t, I can’t get anything done. I get frequent headaches and I feel drowsy all day. I need it the first thing in the morning to feel like myself.”
“You have to understand that this is an epidemic,” an energy drink spokesman said. “Coffee is extremely hazardous to your health. Don’t you know how Shakespeare died? From drinking coffee. The French Revolution? Coffee. The fall of the Han Dynasty? Coffee. Do you know how people can tolerate Dane Cook? Coffee. I can go on! Coffee makes people unnecessarily giddy. It’s a menace. There’s no other explanation.”
An investigation by the FDA proved futile as the agency itself was involved with coffee. “Yeah, we must’ve had like four to five cups a day. I like it black, but people drink it with milk and sugar,” a former FDA agent said. He asked not to mention his name. “There’s a coffee machine on every floor,” he continued. “Once we ran out coffee and people complained a lot that day. I think we bought some bags from Starbucks—or was it Peet’s?” He admitted that he was addicted to coffee and drank darker roasts from Sumatra. “It’s musty and earthy,” he said, “it’s the best kind out there.” A current FDA agent was questioned on the agency’s involvement with coffee. She said, “Jasper drank it a lot, he used to work on the third floor, and he always complained that there was no coffee from Sumatra. I think we only had normal coffee. I don’t know anything really, I just drink whatever is in the pot.” When further questioned about the amount of coffee consumed in the agency, she offered no comment.
There is a variety of this mind-enhancing substance out in the “market” today. It ranges from Kenyan to Sumatran to Brazilian to Colombian to Honduran to Mexican to Vietnamese. All of these countries are considered the leading exporters of the coffee bean. It is here, in the United States, that the majority of these imported mind-enhancing substances are consumed. An estimated $40 billion are pumped into the coffee industry in the United States and an average of three cups a day are said to be consumed. Writers are believed to be the main contributors to the abnormally high consumption, drinking four to five cups of coffee, paying an average of $2.37 per cup from “artisanal coffee shops.”
“There are chemicals in coffee that supposedly stimulate the mind, but you need to drink 8 ounces of it to work and that eight ounces will kill you. You can drink one sip of an energy drink and get the same effects. Of course, we use different chemical compounds that are exponentially safer,” said an energy drink spokesperson.
“The wide variety of strains on the market make it difficult to regulate and censor these products,” he added. “We know what goes into our drinks. Do you know the process of harvesting [coffee beans]? Neither do I. No one can get access to these farms. They’re guarded by militia with guns. You want a tour of our factory? Just ask us. We’ll show you want you want to see—with no guns.”
Just this year, a poet laureate was stripped of his title after confessing to taking the mind- enhancing substance. “We can’t have people taking these to get ahead in the literary world,” an advocate of People Against Substance Abuse for Writers said. “This is doping at its very worst. I can’t believe that we selected a laureate that drinks coffee to write. Writing should be natural. We have taken steps to make sure all contests are written by people that are not under the influence of mind-enhancing substances.” The poet laureate could not be reached for a comment.
The NWA with the help of PASAW have also taken further steps to curb mind-enhancing substances by banning the use of computers, dictionaries, thesauruses and libraries. “We’re promoting an all-natural way of writing. There shouldn’t be anything foreign put into our bodies to help us construct words,” PASAW founder Sandra Gunnam said. “Writing should be pure! From the brain! From the heart!”