Trey Welsh (Zaibatsu Corporation, Omitron)
Hey Gecko, try some of my ragout. It’s my special white bean ragout. I made some toast too, here try it out. I used to make this for Johnny Zoo. He used to love my ragout. We broke up some time ago and took different paths. I mostly deal with narcotics and politics, he manufactures drugs. We were always scheming together. I miss him a lot, but I can’t tell him that! His ego is already big enough, running J-Labs. I send some of my men there to sabotage his production, just to remind him that I’m always on top. I went there! Have you heard his rap? I know it’s all about me. I can’t believe he’s talking shit about me on the radio, that son-of-a-bitch. Try the soup before it gets too cold, okay?
Elmo (Loonies, SunnySide)
Jumbo, hey, let me borrow some cash. I need to buy some ice cream. I can’t walk by ice cream trucks; you know the song drives me nuts. Come on! How many times have I paid you for the jobs I asked you to do? Just get me an ice cream sandwich! I can’t ask anyone else but you! None of my guys can walk past ice cream trucks without torching it first. I can’t have them knowing that I love ice cream sandwiches, just think of the jokes I’ll be at the end of. Goddamn it, Jumbo, you suck. I’ll go bribe a kid or something.
Johnny Zoo (Yakuza, Ukita)
Kosai, have you heard my new song under my rap name, JZ? No? Have you been living under a rock? Listen to the song when you get the chance. What did you say? Is it about who? Have you been talking to Trey-san? Of course you have. He sticks his nose into everything. I needed to break up with him. I could not stand his cooking. Everything he makes is pasta and soup. Just once, I asked him if we could have mori soba and that baka made pasta fagioli. I wanted fucking MORI SOBA. He makes me very angry. Kosai, listen to my rap. You will not regret it. Yes, it is on the radio. Usually Funami FM and KREZ.
Billy Bob Bean (Rednecks, Mobile RV Park)
Hey Rooster, guess what? I just got accepted into ACCC [Anywhere City Community College]. I’ll finally be able to make Elvis happy. You hear that Elvis? I’ll make you proud, you goddamn talented son-of-a- bitch. I’ll be a literature major. I’m thinking of taking up some business classes so I can run the moonshine business better. Right now, our accountant is Pappy and I’m not so sure he knows math too good. I say if I talk better and write better, people will take us more seriously. And taking business will help our business grow and run smoother, right? Right. You helped me out big time, Rooster. When I told Pappy about this, he closed his eyes and right on said, “You go get there an’ we do the rest.” Good man, that Pappy.
Dr. LaBrat (SRS Scientists, Dominatrix)
THC-303, I’ve finally done it. I’ve created an android. Look at her! Just absolutely perfect. She can’t talk yet, but I think it’ll be fixed later this week. Finally, I’ll be loved by someone. For 62 years I’ve been on this planet without feeling loved. I’ve loved, but it’s never been reciprocated back. Why do you think everything in this facility looks sterile? Cleansed and stripped of warmth? I’ve dedicated a big portion of my life on this project. Why do you think I’ve run experiments on Rednecks? Why do you think I’ve had you drive a car around the track? I’ve collected data on just about everything and programmed it into this mobile humanoid computer. I named her TWC-SC1, or Tweaky for short. Next week, she’ll be a freethinking android. Better than a real person, I say. Give her false memories and I’ll go from there. She’ll love only me. My God, I’m a genius.
Jerkov (Russian Mafia, Lubyanka)
Listen Comrade, there is a huge conspiracy that I must confess to you. The Hare Krishna are not what they seem to be. They destroy technology because it is the medium that will expose this group’s intentions to the public. I know, because I captured Sunbeam’s protégé, Moonbeam and extracted information from him. His body is in the warehouse; care to take pictures with him? I’m just joking Comrade, he is somewhere under the ocean. I know about the Zaibatsu teaming up with the Yakuza and having “parties,” where they drug all of the attendees and use them as lab experiments. I know that the SRS have created androids to use in place of goons. The world is becoming a fearful place, Comrade. We have no one but ourselves to trust. I’ve just got word that Rednecks are gearing up to destroy higher education, I don’t know how, but I can only see explosions and fire. Uncle Vanka has been in contact with Raz Putin. Get your assault rife ready, Comrade. This is the year that all hell breaks loose.
Sunbeam (Hare Krishna, Vedic Temple)
Grasshopper, we are tired of renegade vehicles running over our siblings. We are taking initiatives to forever halt this slaughter. Our tambourines have been imbued with the blessing of Titiyahana and our orange robes will repel ballistic missiles that will be flung at us. Grasshopper, say a prayer for the Hare Krishna. Donate a minimum of $100 to our cause. Our bullet-repellant robes are not cheap, nor are our tambourines, which we get from San Andreas. Although our allies, the Epsilon Program, have guaranteed financial backing, we are in need of private donations from believers like you. It is time, Grasshopper, it is time for the Hare Krishna to convert the non-believers to our cause. Our peace buses will run through the walls of the ignorant and into Nirvana! Our flamethrowers will burn the non-believers! Come with us, Grasshopper! Join us in our crusade to reinforce love and tranquility, our crusade to banish cars and crime and hate!