1. James N.
How many dates have you gone on this month?
I go out once every few days, so probably about 15-17.
Do you shop at Whole Foods? Have you been to one in Union Square?
Can’t say I’ve ever been to a Whole Foods or Union Square.
I saw Seann William Scott there once. He was really tan. Do you like your date to have some tan, or pale, or somewhere in between?
If they’re light-skinned and tan a lot, they’re probably trying too hard, but then again, if they’re really pale it looks like they’re dead and I think they’re cold all the time. So probably somewhere in between.
What’s your opinion on wigs? Would you be okay if your date had a wig?
Admittedly, I wear wigs quite a bit, for fun or for costumes. As long as it’s not an awful wig (I’m somewhat of a wig elitist) it’s fine. Some people wear them for personal reasons, I guess, like if they have a medical condition, and then it’s really not my place to say whether they should wear it or not.
What’s your beverage of choice on a first date? Iced water? Hot tea? Hot cocoa?
Iced tea or soda all the way. If you order coffee, they’re probably judging you based on what you do or don’t put in it, and I know nothing about hot tea.
Would you take your date to a bar/restaurant called “The Penny Farthing”?
It sounds way too much like “The Penny Farting” and I’d think about this over dinner or drinks and laugh to myself and they’d ask why and I’d be way too embarrassed to tell them, so no.
Do you have a style you’re particularly attracted to?
I tend to like punk/alternative style but it really all comes down to the hair. If you have nice hair or eyebrows I’ll go for you no matter what subculture you belong to with the exception of Nazis and skinheads.
Any advice for guys looking for their soulmate? Name two things that come to your mind.
Don’t base your relationships or interest in a person on common interests. Contrary to what most people think, what someone is into is NOT indicative of their personality. You want to find a balance of stuff you both like and things you’ve never heard of – it keeps things exciting and you’re always learning. And don’t date coworkers. Shit gets weird.
2. Matt M.
Would you take your first date out for a slice of pizza?
I just imagined myself taking a girl to a pizza place, ordering a single slice of pizza, ripping it in half the same way that Hulk Hogan would rip a phone book in half, then handing one of the moist, greasy pizza-halves to the girl and saying, “You can just pay me what you owe whenever.” So yes, that seems like it would be a nice first date.
What is your dream sex position?
I am not a very sexually imaginative or adventurous person, but here is what comes to my mind: I am holding a burlap sack full of blank cassette tapes, and so is my sexual partner. We are both wearing swim goggles, and nothing else. We sit cross-legged on a soft, carpeted floor, staring at one another with intense but inviting facial expressions. On the count of 666, we take a deep breath and proceed to hurl as many cassette tapes at each other’s bodies as fast as we can and as hard as we can. Whoever has an empty sack first must call a truce and then whisper, “Do you want to finish, or are we good?”
Have you thought about screaming in the middle of a shopping mall, “I’m an attractive man, I just don’t get it”?
No, but I have thought about screaming in the middle of my college campus, “I’m an ugly man, and I completely get it!”
What do you do to calm yourself down when you notice a potential date?
IRL: Pop a pill, then turn around and walk away from the potential date. URL: Pop a pill, then send the potential date a message incoherently rambling about Antonin Artaud, regardless of whether or not the potential date appears to have any interest whatsoever in Antonin Artaud.
How many times have you thought about asking someone out on a date?
Does anyone ever think about anything else?
Have you acted on it?
I have, without success, but I intend to keep trying because there don’t seem to be many other options.
Where do you usually have lunch?
Interstate 422, by the roadside, where the raccoons keep trying just like I do.
How long is your commute from home to work?
Around 35-40 minutes
Have you seen someone cute on the commute? Ever lock eyes ;)
Yes; it’s usually strange.
Have you taken the first step or is it usually the opposite?
I usually don’t pay attention to that, and don’t notice what I’ve done until it’s already happened. If I approach someone, it’s because I’m interested in learning about them. I guess I do that sometimes.
What was the best date you’ve ever been on? Don’t go into too much detail, keep some stuff a mystery to the readers.
I don’t think I’ve been on a good date yet.
What’s a deal breaker for you? Unclipped nails? Dandruff?
Very small hands.
Would you bring it up on the first date? I mean, if you think they’re amazing, but they have those one or two faults that have simple solutions…
There’s really no hope. I don’t think there would even be a first date tbh.
What’s something you should talk about on a date? The weather? What type of headphones are the best while running?
I think you should ask each other questions and find out more about each other. You should talk about whatever you want to talk about with that person, at that time.
Do you run (for exercise)?
What kind of sneakers do you wear to go outside?
Have you gone on a date with anyone that you’ve met while walking outside?
I have not.
Favorite type of pizza?
Would you date someone if they said their favorite was Hawaiian pizza?
Yeah, but that is a really gross kind of pizza imo.
What advice would you give to women looking for their soulmate?
That they should relax, and figure out their own soul, and then maybe they’ll meet a nice guy along the way.
4. Frank H.
What is your opinion on dating multiple people at once?
I think that there is an element of excitement to dating multiple people, or just in having the freedom to move between partners, but at the end of the day, if you are looking for a deep and genuine connection with a person you have to work to communicate and connect with a single person.
What’s the saddest memory of a date you’ve had in the past?
I was doing research on tantric sex for my book and the person I was dating started weeping uncontrollably until I had to act like a mommy and wipe their nose. There was nothing tantric about it and I ended up having to leave because it went from romantic to sad to pathetic. I couldn’t turn it around.
Where do meet most of your dates?
Usually I meet people at fitness classes through my gym, most often yoga because it is very easy to be receptive to romance after yoga classes. Men are usually very open and horny and women are relaxed and receptive.
Are you dating someone now?
Do you have a pump up song before sex?
I really like to listen to Les-Os by the Unicorns before going out on a night I feel like hooking up. I never think to put music on before sex though because I am usually too swept up in all the physical/sexual/emotional interactions to think about anything but the bed.
Where did you have the best sex of your life?
In a Swiss chalet in Interlaken while we noticed a group of people watching us from a chalet across the road. Instead of stopping, we continued and it was almost as if the idea of becoming a spectacle urged us into a deeper kind of sex.
What do you think about exhibitionism? Have you thought about dating an exhibitionist? What about contortionists? Satanists?
I don’t really have a problem with exhibitionism. I think that North Americans are very centered on the prudishness of sexuality and most people I meet feel closed off. I am interested in people who are very open sexually, respectful but open.
Do you have a place you avoid because of bad memories with a date?
No, I don’t associate location with bad memories. I do get bothered by certain pieces of music or foods though.
What about a song? I don’t like Yellow Submarine because it came on while we were in bed and I laughed and she didn’t and totally made the situation awkward.
I feel like I had a Beatles phase at the same time an ex was going through one and we would listen to the Beatles non-stop and now I struggle sometimes with bad nostalgic yearnings if anything from HELP!, the White Album or Sgt. Pepper’s comes on.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever had for breakfast?
My roommate and I tried to replicate on of Hunter S. Thompson’s famous breakfasts in university and I ended up passing out.
What do you think about morning sex?
I think it is the best kind of time to have sex because when your body is waking up your sexual energy flows differently than after a day of work or travel. You need to use mouthwash though.
Worst place to meet someone?
What is a turn on? Name three things that just come to your mind.
Thick hair, Expressive Eyes, Very forward but respectful in intention
Do you have any advice for people that are entering their mid-20s and looking for romance?
Try everything, protect yourself, get STI tests routinely, don’t masturbate more than once a week because it will help you in the hunt as well as help you to better channel your sexual energy toward others. Avoid misogynistic porn. Learn about chakras. Don’t let jealousy enter a relationship. Have sex drunk sometimes.
Where’s the last place you had a date?
the last actual full-on date i went on, we met at 7.30pm at an NA meeting in Paris and we ended up relapsing together later that night in some club. i passed out and he had to carry me back to his hotel.
Was it worth your while?
it ruined all my romantic fantasies for a few months, but they’re back in full effect now. i’d like to avoid dating, just live with someone until we get sick of ourselves.
What’s the slimiest thing you’ve eaten?
Does it remind you of anyone that you’ve dated?
yes, Amelia. she’s this feral London bike courier, always starving hungry, and she loves pie n mash and yucky eels.
Do you have a particular style that you feel averse to? I find myself repulsed by dreadlocks, especially after someone told me that they leak pus after a while, if you don’t clean it well.
my grandfather had dreadlocks. he once told me, it’s hard work wearing these things, y’know. today is the hottest day of the year. i’m into faces, voices, what are their hands like, don’t get the shoes wrong. i find aftershave repulsive.
What’s your one go-to outfit for a date that you think will be fruitful?
choosing outfits makes me super anxious. i’m more likely to accidentally look good when i’m putting the bins out or something. giraffe leggings, royal blue sweatshirt, 6″ wooden heel clog.
How many times have you felt this way?
snake venom face mask, lung black dress, seven thousand times.
Where can I get a good bowl of soup in Britain?
Round my house.
7. Shane Jesse
What’s the least fun date you’ve been on?
In hindsight this could’ve had the potential to be the best date ever. I took a girl who frequented this bar I use to frequent to see that film SEX: The Annabel Chong Story. It was her suggestion and based on the title it seemed like a somewhat fun documentary. As most probably know Chong became famous for having sex with 2591 men in 69 hours in 1995. It’s a fairly grotesque portrayal of Chong’s depression, suicide attempts and self-harm. Also there seemed to be a lot of white, middle-aged men by themselves eating ice cream cones in the cinema audience. Oddly a film with such so much sex in it didn’t turn out to be a very enjoyable experience. Probably because what was being documented was so savage.
How many times did you Google your date?
I didn’t. I’ve never thought of doing that. It would seem to go against the idea of a date finding out about someone. But shit, that’s not a judgement of someone who does Google. Spy away.
Do you think you’ve been Googled before? I have this Google search notification, so I know when something new happens regarding my name. Does that make me a narcissist?
Not sure someone’s Googled me, or not that I know of, but I’d assume that someone might have. Maybe not for the purposes of a date though. I have a Google Alert for my name, but that’s more for writing sakes or something.
Have you been called a narcissist by a date?
Not by a date, not by anyone to my face. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I am.
Have you ever wished that you’d be back home because your date was a drag?
Why did you think that?
When I was dating, I was pretty much a solid shitbag, and being a guy who is sometimes driven by base needs, I would put up with the most extreme boredom or torturous conversation if there was a slight glimmer of getting my end away.
Where is the best place to take a date? Have you taken a date there?
I always like the cinema. It’s cosy, kills off a part of conversation time. Can then give you something to talk about later.
Have you fed your date before?
I’m not sure I understand the question. You mean, like food. Have I ever taken someone on a dinner date? I was probably uncouth enough to realise what a great restaurant is, or what is needed romantically to make that eating experience a good date. My partner and I of 10 years now regularly go out to dinner and they’re great relaxing experiences and the time is savoured and she is savoured as well.
What’s your opinion on fishnets?
Yeah I dig them.