I Interviewed 5 People On Facebook About Dating And Sex

1. Jacob

I know Jacob from high school. He’s a year older than I am. We used to talk about bands and we both like Eagles of Death Metal and we saw our social studies teacher at a EoDM concert.

Where did you meet your first girlfriend?
Honors Chemistry class in High School.

Do you remember how you approached her?
I walked in and saw her in the back row sitting w a friend, was smitten by how cute she looked, and I went and sat right in front of her. We ended up doing an experiment together that class, and I got to know her that way. Location Location Location.

Were you drunk? Most of us, I feel, were drunk, or high on adderall. I don’t know.
No

Who did she resemble?
She was a cute lil orange-haired nerd with glasses. Small girl, tiny little button nose, big cheeks, and braces.

Cool. What about Facebook? Ever meet a girl off it?
Nope.

Can you figure out if you want to go further than just hooking up instantly?
No, I’ve been surprised by some girls. My current girlfriend, I actually deleted her number after our first date. I thought for sure she wasn’t into me. Then she called me asking about our second date, and I was like “wait, who is this?” After I figured it was on. I wasn’t originally looking to date anyone seriously at the time, but she was great so…

That’s surprising. I met mine through Twitter. I chased her for like, three months. What’s your advice for a girl looking to meet a guy. Name like three things that just come into your head.
Look cute, be friendly, give him eye contact.

What’s a big turn on for you?
A girl doing something sweet for you. Bringing a gift or making the bed. Shows they care, it warms my heart. If we’re talking physically, besides the obvious, long hair is beautiful.

2. Sarah Jean

I met Sarah Jean on Facebook — we were both part of a literature community that I’ve left a while ago. I saw her at a Steve Roggenbuck reading and we keep in touch a little bit.

What makes a person attractive?
Being in control of situations. Not getting over-upset when things out of their control goes wrong. Being passive, like me. Buttoning the top button. Reading books seems like an obvious answer, but reading books. Writing books. Tipping appropriately. Nice socks. Red beards.

Where do you get your groceries?
The Safeway at 25th Street in Charles Village in Baltimore.

Oh sweet, I’ve never been to Safeway, I’ve heard it’s like Shop Rite or something. Have you ever met someone while grocery shopping there?
No.

Okay. In your first relationship, did you make the first move, or was it the guy?
I liked my first boyfriend, Patrick, for a year and a half before he decided he liked me back. I made ‘moves’ I guess, but I more or less just hung around until he said, “Okay yeah, you wanna do this?” and I replied “Nice.”

Who’s your crush right now? I’m just kidding. You do have a crush though, right?
Keanu Reeves.

Sweet. Your longest ever relationship?
My first boyfriend, age 19-21, a little over 2 years.

How was the sex?
We both lived at home with our parents so we had to sneak around a lot. Once, my dad walked in on us on a Wednesday afternoon when I thought he was at work. That’s what the sex was like.

What ended it?
Not enough sex, moved farther away, ultimately we just outgrew each other and I became interested in hanging around new people.

Damn, I’m sorry. What’s a deal breaker?
I don’t like bigots or cops.

Last question: Least attractive thing about the opposite sex?
Punching inanimate objects when they get angry.

3. Stephen Michael

I’ve never formally met Stephen, but he is a very intelligent and well-read person. I feel like if I met him IRL, we’d be good friends. He’s very terse and I appreciate that about him. He reached out to me when I started “Quickshitstorm” in 2012 against the “Alt Lit” community. We didn’t really see eye-to-eye, at least, from what I’ve gathered.

What was the first thing you said on your last date?
the last ‘excursion’ i went on resembling a date was drunkenly running through the snow with someone i knew of previously through the internet. the first thing i said to her was ‘no way, yes, of course i know who you are’ after we ran into each other at a party earlier that night

What’s a topic you should really not talk about with a date you’re just getting to know?
probably politics, religion, or any topic you feel you could go on an ‘out-of-control, non-stop rant’ about

Have you tried sushi?
want badly for this to be a euphemism for oral sex
yes, literally and figuratively

Recommend others bring dates to sushi restaurants?
only if they asked the person prior to the date if they’re allergic to seafood and have some understanding of how to order/knowledge of preferred menu options at the specific restaurant

What’s a deal breaker in your mind?
~95% of the male population of the world
seeming blatantly, unapologetically racist

Name an instance where you thought, wow, this person is not for me.
x: do you ever just feel bad about black people sometimes?
me: what?
x: like, i’m a college-educated white woman who is very aware of her own privilege, and sometimes i just feel bad
me: what are you talking about?
x: i just think everyone deserves to have a fair chance at success, but sometimes, i just feel bad about that fact, you know?
me: i have no idea what you’re talking about

Holy shit. Wow. I can’t believe that happened. I’m sorry.
Do you have a song you absolutely avoid because of memories?
‘cinema (skrillex remix)’ by benny benassi

How tall are you?
5′ 11″

Is height an issue for you?
only if it is for the other person
though, if the person was less than 4′, there may be some blatant physical intimacy issues i could hypothetically feel enough aversion to to not continue dating them

If the person you’re going out on a date with is taller than you, is that a problem?
no

Would you be jealous of their height? I would subconsciously be wondering why I can’t be 6’4″ you know.
no, i think i have a gigantism fetish or something, 6’+ women seem god-like and awesome to me, as long as [specific person] isn’t physically abusive
i usually feel very attracted to tall women (e.g. ~50% of the 2012 US women’s volleyball team)

Me too. Me too.

4. Sian

Sian is a writer in Great Britain. She’s well-read and has some interesting things to say about literature. I’ve never met her IRL, but I know she used to have a podcast.

Do you remember your last date?
Yes because it was last night. I met him under the viaduct near the train station (because I live in the countryside and that’s how we do it here), we nipped into my local pub for a couple of drinks, then we went to the shop and bought lots of food and then he came back to mine and we argued about something and since our faces were close already because of the arguing, we kissed, then we hate-fucked. He’s got dark, curly hair though, which always tends to drive me quite rabid with desire. I also have dark, curly hair. I’m such a narcissist.

What is the ideal set of clothes to wear on a first date?
I tend to go low-cut and quite quirky because I think I’ve got amazing breasts. Also, if we’re on a first date and you can’t handle that I’m wearing a black, velvet opera cloak for no reason then this thing can’t work out.

Have you dated anyone that you met online?
Sort of. I’ve been on a few OKCupid dates – one of them was quite recent and he was beautiful, and clever, and had a fantastic taste in music, but he – like me – is part of the BDSM community, and had been fitted in a chastity belt by a different Mistress that wasn’t me, so it couldn’t work because it’s very impolite to steal another Mistress’s slave. Another one of them, I had a sort of business-like agreement with in terms of casual sex. He’s a criminal, awaiting a court date. Something about that excited me. I should note that both of these men have dark, curly hair. I don’t think I’m going to meet the man I’m going to marry on OKCupid, it’s for hooking up, and I’m fine with that.

What’s the most awkward thing that you did on a date?
Talk too fast because I’m nervous and I really like them and silence makes me uncomfortable, so I end up babbling on about fuck knows what.

What’s a turn off?
Unreliability, people who don’t understand sarcasm, dumb people, blonde men.

Do you ever think about what life would be down the road with the person you’re dating, or is that like, something that you think about once you two enter a long-term relationship?
The person I’m dating is a complete asshole. He’s been in my life for a long time now and I normally return to him when I’m feeling sad and low and he understands that arrangement. He’s rude, condescending, intimidating, patronising, unpleasant, vulgar, and inappropriate. He finds me narcissistic, shallow, exhausting and selfish. Unfortunately, we both find each-other extremely attractive, and he’s got dark, curly hair and is honestly packing some serious, serious heat. I find myself drawn to chaotic, Cathy and Heathcliff dynamics and really, it’s unhealthy. We go through bouts of becoming quite obsessed with each-other, and it all just comes down to sex if we look at this objectively. We’ve never had bad sex. But, I think about a future with everyone I’ve ever dated, not in a creepy way, but the mind wanders. I think in the future with this man, if we ever get our shit together and make it as an actual couple, we’ll implode in a glorious ball of flames and elope and then divorce several times. It will be all fucking and fighting, punctuated with small moments of real affection and tenderness that keep us both hanging onto something potentially disastrous and using each-other as a form of self-harm. But god, the sex. I’m literally sad for all of you that you’re not having sex as good as the sex I’m having. You might think you are, but you’re really not.

What’s your opinion on sex on the first night?
I don’t think it’s wrong. If it feels like it should happen then go for it. Me and my last boyfriend had sex pretty much on the first night and we were together for a year. But, that was a bit of an exception because it was clear it was always going to turn into something real and tangible, and we *had* been flirting outrageously for like 5 months before that, and even though he’s out of my life now, he really was the love of it. But, if you’re unsure about if someone really likes you and you want it to really go somewhere, I’d say it’s probably not a good idea to give it all up on the first date. Basically sex is the end game, and if you give them that immediately, you’re not giving them the time they need to get to know you and start to develop any affection for you. If you hold out for a few more dates, they’ve started to know you and work out what it is they like about you by then, stretching beyond a basic human urge to get laid.
That’s all assuming that what you want *is* a relationship. If you don’t, go crazy on each-other. Smash the life out of it. idgaf.

5. Alexandra

I’m not very familiar with Alexandra. To be honest, I know nothing about her.

How many people are you seeing right now?
Zero.

Why?
I recently ended a relationship.

Ever date someone with like, OCD?
Yes.

How many Facebook friends do you have?
1,137

How many of them have you kissed?
Romantically? Like on the lips? I went through my entire friends list and counted twelve (most of these occurred nearly ten years ago).

Name three things that you think turn guys on.
Confidence, a sense of humor, and not taking yourself too seriously.

What’s the sexiest thing you can think of?
Being in love.

What’s your advice for a guy looking to meet a girl? Name three things that just come into your head.
Be nice, don’t be condescending, listen to what she has to say, and don’t play games, just be real.

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