55 Real News Headlines That Read Like They’re Straight From The Onion
By Michael Koh
1. Lonely Curiosity rover sings ‘Happy Birthday’ to itself on Mars
Source: Washington Post
2. Many Americans have no friends of another race
Source: Bangor Daily News
3. Man jailed for vicious attack on four-year-old boy who sighed during Doctor Who episode
Source: Metro.co.uk
4. Darius Slay thought Lambeau Field was ‘like the car’
Source: NFL.com
5. Syria: Al-Qaeda-linked group forbids Twitter trolls
Source: BBC News
6. Pat Robertson: Murder committed in video games is no different than real life murder
Source: The Raw Story
7. Russian Man Arrested For Stealing Entire Road
Source: Sky News
8. Kenya airport fire first responders looted banks, ABM
Source: CBC News
9. Turkish ministry report suggests psychic assassins using telepathy could be responsible for ‘mysterious’ deaths of four young engineers
Source: The Independent
10. Time Warner CEO: ‘Game Of Thrones’ Setting Piracy Records Is ‘Better Than An Emmy’
Source: Uproxx
11. Believe It Or Not, 2.58 Million People Still Pay For AOL Service
Source: The Consumerist
12. Man wants jogger to stop pooping on his property
Source: NBC 12
13. Popular North Korean Comedienne Sent to Work in Coal Mine Over Slip-up
Source: Radio Free Asia
14. Al Roker oversleeps, misses early show
Source: USA Today
15. Hipsters are killing American razor sales
Source: MSN Money
16. Costa Rica To Close Its Zoos And Release Animals Into The Wild
Source: Popsci
17. NY man tried to sell date’s baby online, police say
Source: MyNews3
18. Andy Warhol’s grave is now streaming online 24/7
Source: The Verge
19. LinkedIn pulls tech company ads over complaints women engineer was too attractive
Source: The Raw Story
20. Virginia moves forward with plan to sell air
Source: WTOP
21. Bradford City mascot steps down as he is no longer fat enough
Source: The Guardian
22. Rob Zombie complains of skate park noise in Connecticut
Source: The Norwich Bulletin
23. Anger Management: Over 33 Percent of Americans Verbally or Physically Abuse Their Computers
Source: Hot Hardware
24. Online trolls goading commenters into angry off-topic dialogue
Source: The Star
25. Republicans Won’t Stop Trying to Name Ocean Waters After Ronald Reagan
Source: Mother Jones
26. Children given lifelong ban on talking about fracking
Source: The Guardian
27. Brilliant Idea: Smartphone “Game” Challenges You To Throw Your Phone As High As Possible
Source: OhGizmo!
28. ‘I ❤ Head’ Campaign Signs Being Stolen in Phoenix
Source: Crooks&Liars
29. At ‘Hunger Games’ camp, children want to fight to the ‘death’
Source: Tampa Bay Times
30. Scientists to begin making super strains of H7N9 bird flu, funded in part by US government
Source: The Verge
31. Zoo keeper suspended after allegedly punching a seal
Source: itv
32. Colorado voters will decide whether to issue drone-hunting licenses
Source: NY Daily News
33. Deputies: Men making meth claim to be looking for ghosts
Source: WECT
34. Pastor FIRED For Attending Rick Ross Concert
Source: ATL Night Spots
35. UK teen crowned world Microsoft Word 2007 champion
Source: BBC News
36. Man saves dog from drowning, then wife
Source: News24
37. Couple takes wrong car home from grocery store
Source: KVUE
38. Chinese tourists appall North Koreans by throwing candy at their kids
Source: qz
39. Rep. Ted Yoho: Tanning tax is a racist tax — against white people
Source: Washington Post
40. In Seattle, the terms ‘citizen’ and ‘brown bag’ are now offensive
Source: UPI
41. Chris Rock gave terminally ill teen a copy of Pamela Anderson’s sex tape
Source: news.com.au
42. Stephen King’s latest horror tale: The future of the global economy
Source: Washington Post
43. Woman tries to buy Apple phones online, pays $1200 for fruit
Source: Hindustan Times
44. Lab-grown burger tasted at event in London, said to require ketchup
Source: engadget
45. ‘You’re In Louisiana!’: Rick Perry Corrected By Crowd After Saying He’s In Florida
Source: mediaite
46. Korean woman fails driving test in seven seconds
Source: Herald Sun
47. Anthony Weiner attacked by goat
Source: Salon
48. 4-Year-Old Re-Elected ‘Mayor’ Of Minnesota Town
Source: NPR
49. Cardboard officer cuts crime at Mass. subway stop
Source: Boston.com
50. 13 Wisconsin officials raid animal shelter to kill baby deer named Giggles
Source: Washington Times
51. Tim Allen demands to use the n-word
Source: The Guardian
52. Justin Bieber shoves fan’s iPhone down his pants onstage during concert
Source: NY Daily News
53. Prosecutors: Deputy pepper-sprayed teen’s pizza
Source: philly.com
54. Man Shot Trying to Stop Friend from Driving Drunk
Source: Fox 8
55. Kenyan lawyer suing Israel for killing Jesus
Source: Red Alert Politics