Too many people I know, myself included, have been plagued by inspired decisions to unfriend people on Facebook. Whether it’s to lower our friend count or to become more ‘exclusive,’ the unfriending ceremony is a phenomenon that everyone with a Facebook account must consider.
Have I ever met this person in real life?
If I’ve never met this person*, it’s easy to go through with clicking the “Remove from friends” link, promptly cutting all ties with the ‘friend’ in question – quite possibly, forever.
*Of course, this does not apply to celebrities, minor celebrities, or people I’ve never met but have a lot of mutual friends with, whom must be significant to some degree.
Is this person still relevant?
If I know this person from high school, I award them anywhere between 1-5 points based on the following criteria: Have we ever talked to one another? / Have we ever drank/smoked/chilled together? / Have we ever hooked up? If a person scores low in each category, they’re rounded up and sent on a permanent vacation to Unfriend Island. (Author’s note: If we’ve ever hooked up, we are unable to be friends on Facebook for a variety of reasons).
Are we still friends?
Listen up asshole; if you and I have not talked since graduation, you are most definitely not a friend anymore. You know who you are. I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL. (Call me back, bro.)
How close are you to my family?
If you’ve met my parents, you will never be unfriended. Unless we dated (and you surprise-introduced me to your parents thereupon forcing me to introduce you to my parents, stating that it was ‘only fair’) and you broke my goddamn heart for some douche with a faux-hawk and frosted tips.
How many friends do you have?
If you have more than 1000 friends, you are definitely a Facebook whore. I don’t talk to you; you don’t talk to me. I might have seen you at a frat party some time ago, maybe I hooked up with a friend of yours, but I’ve definitely never, ever talked to you.* You will not miss me when I unfriend you and I will not miss your TMI status updates. “omg i am not pregnent!!! 10 hours ago via Android for Facebook“**
*We may have talked while one of us was blacked out.
**If you are incredibly good-looking, I will have a hard time unfriending you because I am delusional and think I may have a chance with you.
Do we have anything in common?
Hey, if you like Liverpool FC, I’m your friend. If you’re a Manchester United fan, I’ll leave the unfriend button alone but I will write nasty posts on your wall. If you like Deerhoof, I’ll appreciate your musical sensibilities. However, spew some radical Right Wing or Christian or Jewish or Islamic propaganda and I will go Buddha on your ass. As stated in the Dhammapada,”Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” So if you’re someone who uses Facebook to pontificate radical beliefs (or an ‘unlit candle’) (what I mean to say here is, a dumbass) our time together as Facebook friends has come to an end. May your religious figurehead of choice have mercy on your soul.