I have five older sisters. Well, really two sisters and three half sisters, but most people don’t laugh when I say I have three-and-a-half sisters. Most people think I have a sister who was in some sort of accident, or maybe she got a little to close to a windmill, or something. Now, most people react negatively when I tell them I have 5 sisters, but not so fast. How do you think I came to be one of the smoothest, well-dressed, metro-sexual cats out there? I didn’t mean to just toot my own horn right there, but toot toot.
Because I had five sisters, everyone told me I was either going to be a complete ladies man (I’m not) or a gay guy (also not); instead I became a socially awkward introvert who laughs at his own jokes. Anyways, my favorite part about having so many older sisters is all the hand me downs I used to receive. Like, I was the prettiest girl in third grade until everyone realized I was a guy.
In reality having five sisters helped the way I dressed. For example, I wasn’t allowed, much to my chagrin, to wear any “swooshy” pants past the fourth grade. I was upset at the time, but fifth grade was the year I started dating girls, so yeah, I guess it kind of worked out. Now I own an expansive sweater collection and I have them to thank.
Everyone will say, “you didn’t have anyone to physically fight, so you’re obviously not tough,” which is the farthest thing from the truth. Fighting my older sisters was the hardest part of my childhood. Girls fight no holds barred. They bite, they claw — not that I know that from personal experience or anything. So yeah, they prepared me for the real world. I mean I knew how to properly act in school because I had to play “school” for six hours everyday. Probably why I stopped trying in school five years too soon.
Mostly however, they taught me how to escape punishment, and for that I am forever indebted to them. One sister got grounded for two weeks for being on AIM past ten o’clock. I got grounded for two weeks after I had a misunderstanding with the police when I was seventeen. Which sounds worse to you? So thank you sisters, from all the younger brothers out there, for paving the way, for teaching us who we really are, and for always bringing your friends around the house.