Speculations About WTF My Upstairs Neighbor Could Possibly Be Doing

Upstairs Neighbor–

It’s 11 o’clock, time for you for start dropping objects on the floor. Ever since you moved in above me, I’ve been listening to you through my ceiling — listening to you drop things and move things around. Based solely on the sounds you make, I’ve come up with some ideas about your hobbies and about you — tell me if I’m wrong here:

The room above my bedroom is the Dropping Room, correct? I only say this because sometimes you take a medicine ball and drop it repeatedly for about 5-8 minutes (any longer would be too long), at which point you take a container of crayons or possibly sand and drop that, too.

You know what, go ahead and drop the medicine ball once more. Nice. Okay, last time. Perfect.

Then for ten minutes you drag an industrial chain across the floor. Am I right so far? You just walk around the Dropping Room with a big chain? Classic.

This one I’m not so sure about, but I think around midnight you angrily disorganize your sizable collection of textbooks by tossing them in a pile in the corner (right above my head). Do it, man! Fuck those books. Go nuts.

Now let me guess: one of your favorite ways to unwind after a long day (besides break-dancing) is to find the two creakiest spots on the floor—yep, those two right there—and stand lifting your television up and down? Knew it. Boy, you really creak that shit out of that wood.

But wait—at 2:30 a.m. the real fun begins! Look, we all love a little late night feng shui. Who doesn’t? Like you, I rearrange my furniture all the time. Unlike you, though, my furniture doesn’t consist of irregularly-shaped sandstone formations and rum barrels. You crazy-ass hipster probably and your ironic furniture! How am I doing so far? Dead on, I’m sure.

I’m going to be honest here. I think you’re fucking crazy. More importantly, I think we need to get you a girl/boyfriend. Although… that might be tough considering your strict rule that everyone in your apartment (including your dog) wear cleats and drop Frisbee® discs. But don’t give up! When you finally find that special someone who will accept you and your many strange habits, just make sure you warn him/her that your vacuum cleaner and/or small shelf tends to fall over a lot in the living room, and that once a day you like to bounce on a broken trampoline. I’m just looking out for everyone’s safety.

So basically I’ve got you all mapped out. I’d love to meet you in person one day and violently roll around with you on the floor like you do sometimes in the afternoons. You’re clearly having way more fun up there dropping things than I am down here not dropping things, so why not?

Well, anyway, I’m going to get some sleep now by laying here completely still in abject protest. Goodnight! Don’t forget to wake me up in the morning. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • Josh

    You forgot the drilling at 1pm.

  • http://www.meganxi.com/ Megan Xi

    Sounds more like a case of haunting going on in the unit upstairs.

  • Catgrace86

    My upstairs neighbors are buffalo herders, but props for their dedicated preservation of  stampeding, ten ton endangered beasts.

  • Erin

    This almost exactly describes what my upstairs housemates sound like from downstairs, except you left out the bed-shaking that SOUNDS like it’s caused by sexytimes, but starts and stops way too frequently, not to mention I’ve never seen anyone who didn’t live here go upstairs…

  • your cousin

    Go talk to herm. Our downstairs neighbors became our friends. They’re nice to have around – even if they critique our sex rhythm every once in a while.

  • Anonymous

    I am hysterically laughing in my office right now! so, so good.  neighbors are the worst. 

  • salt salt n pepa

    this is hilarious, thank you!

  • Lisa

    This is perfect. I have a similar neighbor who I assume comes home with armfuls of clogs that she immediately tosses to the floor every day. 

  • MajaSka

    This cracked me up! Soooo well written! Such witty irony :DDDD

  • MD

    This pretty much describes every upstairs neighbor I’ve EVER had. Now, if you included the occasional Earth shaking orgasm, that would be every upstairs neighbor.

  • Tara

    I don’t know you. But I love you. Really.  When I leave this apartment, can I print this out and tape it to his door???  :)

    • Michael Johnson

      That would make my day.

    • Danaxbee

      THIS.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/nvvmxac danne rassle

    My downstairs neighbour is British so I can get away with whatever the eff I want.

  • Jessie

    THIS IS MY LIFE! Argh. I wish I could afford to move to a building that wasn’t built in the 1940’s with wood floors.

  • Guestropod

    I think my upstairs neighbor is a giant spider

  • Bingbongboom

    Oh gawd, how about those wonderful neighbors right next door? I just love when they blast the T.V., it is so thoughtful of them to share that war epic with me. SO thoughtful.

  • Meghan

    try having a group of jazz musicians living upstairs who incessantly practice scales at all hours. the best is that they keep their phones on vibrate and on the floor so i always know that they’re receiving messages.

  • Guest

    that was great.

  • Liz

    THANK YOU for this, reading the title alone made me laugh aloud because I have these exact thoughts daily. Glad to read I’m not the only one suffering!

  • Nichi

    ha-ha-ha-HAAAAAAAAAA!!!! yes, thanks goddess it’s not just me. my particular lot — i swear — like to practice golf on the parquet floor. plus, house cleaning (why else moving the furniture?) starts at 6am and ends at around 6.13am. Just to make sure I am really, really awake.

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  • Leah

    Only after 4am does my upstairs neighbor have jump rope contests and wrestling matches. The dropping of the medicine ball seems on par too.

  • Ted Pillow

    This kicked ass. The title alone is awesome. 

  • http://twitter.com/Gilthwixt Patrick M

    The irony is that many of you who complain about “crazy upstairs neighbors” probably ARE crazy upstairs neighbors yourselves (unless you live on the first floor). The thing about how sound travels through the floor is that it sounds mostly silent upstairs, but travels one way and becomes louder as it reaches you. I’ve had neighbors complain about “the elephants [we] keep in the living room”, but when I invite one of them to spend an evening/morning with us for dinner/breakfast, their roommates are surprised to learn that we DON’T actually have a circus every day, and are just going about normal activities. Even more “surprising” was when we went a floor below to their downstairs neighbors.  When we asked them how they felt about their upstairs neighbors, they said they were “noisy as fuck, but we don’t complain because they’re all hot”.

    So yeah. The chances of your upstairs neighbor dragging bodies across the floor, dumping their shelves on the carpet, or anything else ridiculous every day is pretty slim. At worst, they’re doing a cardio workout. Politely suggest they keep it down, but understand that it’s pretty much impossible, even for you.

  • Lynn L

    As I was reading this, my neighbor was dropping his baseballs on the floor and dancing on his creaky spots in the floor. Cried cuz I was laughing so hard. Story of my life. Thank you for this lol

  • LazyReader

    Dude, you’re late on rent.  I’m just saying, ’cause you obviously live in MY apartment! (I didn’t realize I had a roommate until reading this piece)

    I mentioned this shit on FB the other night to my friends, and someone countered back that maybe the guy upstairs was having sex.  Noooooo, says I, I know what THAT sounds like—the guy DOWNstairs dates a screamer who last week yelled “Oh my God!  Your cock!”, so loud I thought she was IN my apartment screaming it.

    I’ve become an expert on neighbor noise. I swear I could work for the FBI in surveilance.

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