“If you drink again, you’ll die.” Of course, I didn’t really believe my doctor when I heard those words. I’m in my twenties, everyone feels like they’re dying after a hard night, right? He showed me my tox report, my liver count, my pancreas in danger of exploding…I thought back on the countless rehab trips, the morning drinking, day drinking, test-taking in college drinking… Maybe he had a point. Guess I had no choice. That was it for me. I quit right there. Cravings stopped quickly. Being around it is no problem. It’s been easier than I thought, but I absolutely hate every second of it for these twelve reasons.
1. Your friends stop calling. It’s understandable; your piss-tank buds might not phone you up. But then, when your regular “have-their-shit-together” friends don’t call because they’re having a casual bbq and don’t want to “set you off” it really sucks.
2. When all the 10’s on your phone have suddenly become 2’s and you think you’ve been hacked.
3. Everyone gives you the “once-over”. They check your eyes, get you to talk to see if you’re slurring, or the old “does he smell like booze” hug. The Pope would have to be on his “A” game to get through this drunk test. You’re the most sober guy at the party and the drunkest guy there just “knows” you’re pulling a fast one.
4. It’s boring. Like, really boring. Your drunk bros that were so fun, are actually pretty boring.
5. You get more done…which means like three times the work-load. I have to do laundry, grocery shop, pay bills…it’s a chore.
6. I quit on my own. No ten or however many steps they want you taking. It works for millions, so all the power to them. To me, it feels like trading one addiction for another. I hear, “Are you working the program and going to three meetings a day?” No, I have a job because of bills now. “Oh, you’re going to fail if you don’t hit like three meetings a day.” I think, if you’re going to quit, you’re going to quit. No book is going to put down that drink for you. (If I refuse any meeting invite, refer to #3.)
7. It’s super hard to pick up girls. It turns out I’m not charming or cool at all. WTF? They need a twelve-step for that I think.
8. Everyone is always congratulating you. They call you a hero for quitting, like I deserve a medal. Really? What about those who drank like normal people their whole lives? Fuck ‘em, you say. Give the guy who drank with reckless abandon and didn’t give a shit about anyone or anything a medal. I needed a punch in the head, not a hero badge and a standing ovation.
9. I found out there is such a thing as Sunday morning and there’s absolutely nothing on T.V. at this time. There’s also a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday morning too, apparently.
10. I now spend all the money I used on booze, rehab, and court, on things like cars and clothes and 2’s. Those come with bills and hits on my credit. C’mon!
11. You’re not introduced as Mike anymore. It’s, “This is Mike, he used to be a wicked bad alcoholic.” What!? Excuse me?
12. Once you stop, clear the fog, you grow up a little and actually find real happiness. It’s not as fun, but hey, at least your pancreas won’t explode.